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Judgemental people

(23 Posts)
foxy123 Wed 03-Aug-11 14:35:10

Does anyone else hate those judgemental people who say 'oh, your toddler is having a tantrum, you must be doing something wrong' or 'if a toddler is a fussy eater it must be the parents' fault'..... especially when they don't even have children themselves! Everyone's a critic eh?

bozemum Wed 03-Aug-11 14:40:53

Yes, especially annoying if they haven't even got kids. Also, the people whose kids sleep through the night and wear it like a badge of good parenting skills. Kids all have different personalitys and some more determined and more likely to have tantrums.

holyShmoley Wed 03-Aug-11 14:42:43

Honestly, I find most people don't judge, or are just grateful it isn't them in the parents' situation.
Sure some give the benefit of their, not relevant, experience, but you have to just let that wash over you.

Has something specific happened?

foxy123 Wed 03-Aug-11 14:43:59

Oh gosh yes I've had that one too. It's mean, but I secretly wish their children will start playing up. My mum keeps trying to assure me maybe their 'good' toddlers will turn into 'bad' teenagers!!!

I just do take it very personally. I mean, who 'lets' their child have a tantrum? They are either that way inclined or not!!

petaluma Wed 03-Aug-11 14:48:28

Yup, particularly the people who you've only just met and they think they know exactly what the matter with your dc is "oh he must be really tired" (no, he's only been up 2 hours, he just doesn't want to be your performing monkey) etc.

My ds has the tendency to be very possessive over toys, whether they are his or not, and he is going through a phase of hitting other children to get the ones he wants back. I've been working very hard to stop this behaviour, to some success, but he has his inevitable relapses - however, I've come across the most vile of parents who seem to label my ds with the 'thug' brush. Some (including so-called mates) make thinly veiled digs about him, and others are not so indirect.

I've left a few toddler groups really upset, sweating and stressed - not because I think my ds is a 'thug' but because some others clearly don't understand toddler development (he's not even 2 yet) and think it's some ingrained trait and I'm a bad mother, despite my helicoptering, refereeing and apologising for 2 hours! I've even withdrawn from most groups we used to visit as the fear of judgement and potential stress got worse. What makes it even worse to bear sometimes is that these very same parents blithely ignore their own dcs doing similar things, but because it's not quite as obvious, they don't bother intercepting.

Sorry, rant over!

foxy123 Wed 03-Aug-11 14:49:29

I've had various people give me 'gems' of information about how I should be feeding my child or get her to sleep in her own bed. All of which I have tried. Some people just don't understand.

My child will quite happily go for weeks without eating if I try to force her to eat what she doesn't like. She will also quite happily scream for hours in the middle of the night if we try and make her sleep on her own.

But all these Supernanny Wannabees without children know it all already and I'm sure their children will be saints!

Can you tell I'm wound up?!...

foxy123 Wed 03-Aug-11 14:52:22

petaluma my mum could have definitely sympathised with you, as when she had me I was a complete angel who never had tantrums. She thought it was the parent's faults, that they were doing something wrong. Then she had my brother. Her opinion changed quite swiftly once he started throwing other kids off 'his' truck at the nursery and turning himself blue with rage!!!

llmills Wed 03-Aug-11 14:55:31

'good' toddlers to 'bad' teenagers - when mine grow up they wll be saints!!!

My toddlers are always doing the dramic tantrum bit - especially when there are lots of people like in the toy section of sainsbury's. But.... before children I will admit to being one of those who used to 'tutt' at ''parents who have no control'' over their children. "of course... mine would never be like that!!!!"

Now that I have children of my own I have a better appreciation for different people and different situations.

I always hold my head up high - afterall they know nothing about you or your situation.

bozemum Wed 03-Aug-11 14:55:33

I know the feeling. They make it look so easy in supernanny. One night of returning them to their own bed and hey presto. But I just know my ds would stay u all night to get his way.

foxy123 Wed 03-Aug-11 15:05:09

some of our children just have more personality than others!!

blewit Wed 03-Aug-11 16:09:40

I think the ones that really did it for me were those that "don't agree with reins" and would make disapproving comments, when they don't have a bolter.

bozemum Wed 03-Aug-11 17:37:35

I never realised people don't approve of reins! People must really disapprove of me, we use them all the time! It's as much to catch ds when he falls over though.

colditz Wed 03-Aug-11 17:40:34

Pssst

Ds1 always slept through the night. From roughly 6 weeks old he started going 8 - 8

I was baffled then and I'm still baffled now.

MoonFaceMamaaaaargh Wed 03-Aug-11 19:39:30

I often wonder how many supernanny's get filmed but never shown. Where she inflicts all her (imo) over simplistic and potentially harmfull crap and, suprise, it doesn't have the desired affect. Plenty i bet. I reckon she must have a tougher screening process than derron brown.

TheRhubarb Wed 03-Aug-11 19:43:41

Actually I find opinions of childless people interesting. Not everyone has children and if that's how they view my kids or my parenting skills then I reckon perhaps I need to take some of that criticism on board.

Obv if your child has special needs then you cannot help the judgements being passed onto you and that's from parents and non-parents, so you have every right to feel aggrieved in that instance. But if a friend without kids told me that she felt one of my kids was being misbehaved, rightly or wrongly I'd probably take it on board anyway. I'd either admit that they were but I couldn't be arsed to discipline them or I'd tell her that she's actually witnessing good behaviour and god help her when they are really naughty!

Octaviapink Wed 03-Aug-11 19:54:58

I'm far too aggressive for anyone to dare say anything judgmental to me. wink

MoonFaceMamaaaaargh Wed 03-Aug-11 20:14:47

Rhubarb but ime people without dcs are often unable to distinguish between misbehaviour and something that, while a pita, is developmentally typical. I was. blush

TheRhubarb Wed 03-Aug-11 20:23:28

Me too, which is why I have sympathy for people without kids as I remember what it was like. Now we have kids I think we expect people to understand or be sympathetic but they can't and they aren't.
Remember how we used to tut at kids in pubs? Now when we drag ours in for a much needed glass of wine (us not them) we glare at anyone who dares to even think about tutting!

We kinda need to understand where they're coming from too. Sometimes we're too harsh on those without kids, too patronising. We forget that we were once them.

MoonFaceMamaaaaargh Wed 03-Aug-11 20:32:57

Yes i agree, esp the pub bit. wink

TheRhubarb Wed 03-Aug-11 20:34:10

I still think kids shouldn't be allowed anywhere near pubs, apart from my own. grin

MoonFaceMamaaaaargh Wed 03-Aug-11 21:03:10

I don't mind really. As long as they're in different pubs to me. Applies to mine and anyone elses. grin

foxy123 Thu 04-Aug-11 07:58:57

Well I have calmed down today and have actually taken on board the opinion of 'remember what it was like before you had children'. Yes I do. I remember sitting on the plane with a child behind me kicking me constantly in the back. Now I'm the mother of that child, who on my last plane journey threw her Upsy Daisy at the person in front's head!!

SnarkHunt Thu 04-Aug-11 08:36:26

Oh God I've got all this to come! But if you are starting to avoid going to groups that you used to go to because of it then that's a shame. Can you look into other groups nearby? We've got a few groups of people who tend towards 'natural' parenting and there you will not find people asking your baby to share toys when they're too young to understand, intervening with unwanted advice or scowling at you if your little one is having a bit of a moment. You might need to travel a bit further than your local stay and play but it might make for a more enjoyable time. HTH

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