3.5 year old becoming REALLY unpleasant and unkind and I don't know how to deal with it, can anyone advise?

[Caz10]

I am a fully paid up member of the "support group for parents of 3yr olds thread, so I know that some amount of nonsense is to be expected! I can cope with the tantrums, the whinging, the why why why, the tears because I cut her toast the wrong way etc!

But I am struggling with the way DD can act towards other children - her first reaction is NEVER to smile, say hello etc. If she is at the swings for example, and another child comes to use the same piece of equipment as her, she will tell them to go away, shout, stomp etc. She can be horrible to friends who come to visit, "X can NOT use my train set" etc, and in particular struggles in groups of 3 or more children, always wanting to divide and conquer, saying things like "let's hide from X" and so on.

It really breaks my heart as I know she can be a lovely lovely girl, she is bright and articulate,and can be a joy on other occasions. I don't want her becoming the child no-one wants to play with. I always intervene if I see her being nasty to others, take her away, make her apologise etc, but it is constant,I can never relax when she is playing with friends as I'm always worried she'll be awful to them. I see other children being friendly and open and if they approach her they quite often get a mouthful .

I think I model good behaviour, manners etc, try to always be kind to her and cheerful, but she just seems so grumpy and unkind. I don't want to tolerate this behaviour, although am aware of the irony of growling "be nice, don't be grumpy" etc!

Is there a better way to handle this?!

[TeddyBear55]

We have this too with DS 3.5.

I find he is better out and about or at other people's houses (as opposed to at home). He is also better one-to-one.

I use time out and always take a buggy/car as a last resort if he won't stay in time out when we are at a group/outing.

Also, try to look at other children's behaviour. I often find that if I really watch they are just as bad!

[Caz10]

Thanks for replying! Does he struggle with having people at his house? This seems to be a particular issue for dd. Do you speak to him when he's in time out?when I remove dd I always try to talk to her re hurt feelings etc but she is annoyingly unrepentant, just says things like "but I don't like x"

[TeddyBear55]

Yes he does, not necessarily saying he doesn't like them etc but, if he has two friends over, they will play nicely with his toys while he spoils their games by pretending to be a ghost by walking round with a blanket on their head or driving a ride on through. He has at least one friend who does the same when we go to his house (where DS mostly plays nicely). DS is also similarly behaved at our local toddler group. To me, it is almost like they are his "turf" or comfort zones so he is showing off in them or being proprietorial and this is the way he shows it. I try to be consistent with warnings, time out etc but it is hard and you have my sympathies. I have been known to bring him home from toddler group and that often deters him for a few following weeks.