I don't want to go out any more because of DD's tantrums

[Ivortheengine8]

I'm getting a bit down about it tbh. I'm due again in October so am maybe lacking a bit of energy too but I just can't handle them at the moment. They are arent happening just once a day, they are happening 3-4 times a day. I can deal with it at home but it's so embarrassing and stressful out of the house.
I have always made a point of taking her out of the house for her to get some excersise and fresh air at least once a day as she hates being stuck indoors all day.
She has been walking on her own since the day she turned 10 months and hasn't stopped since. She has been having these full blown crazy tantrums for about 2-3 months. She is now 21 months.

When she doesnt get her way she starts screaming and rolling around on the floor, she won't let me pick her up and I literally have to put my arm around her and put her under my arm to carry her away so she doesnt hurt herself.
It's a lot more managable at home as I say but every day I don't think I want to go out anymore.

I am wondering whether to speak to the midwife about it to get some advice. She listens more to my DH but he doesnt see what I see because he is at work all day and only takes her out now and again.

[pranma]

My dd did this and the only thing that worked was for me to move away from her or turn my back.She is most unlikely to hurt herself.If you cant bear to do that then just take a few steps back and say nothing,dont try to pick her up.As soon as she begins to calm down give her a big cuddle and then carry on with what you were doing.The more attention you give tantrums the more they escalate in my experience.Dont worry about other people.

[nannynick]

Agree with pranma, don't pick her up. Just ignore her, turn away and walk away a little bit. She may then follow and throw herself down again, in which case you just repeat.

Try and look at what triggers the behaviour. Is it perhaps that she has become over tired? Is she hungry? Does she need a drink? Is she simply wanting something that you won't let her have... in which case tough luck, a tantrum won't get her what she wants. Be consistent once you have decided No, then it remains a No whatever she may do to try to get you to give in.

[Ivortheengine8]

nanny, today for example we went into the bakery to get a sausage roll (she knows the shop and I had promised her one so we had walked down) and she saw some crisps by the entrance, picked it up and I put it back and said 'no' she started from there in the middle of Greggs so we ended up walking out with nothing and she continued her tantrum on the street outside! I think I am very aware of other people onlooking/saying things or looking at me in sheer amazement, but having said that most people have been quite understanding.
It's usually when she wants something and can't have it as far as I can tell.
She is not eating much at the moment which also concerns me as she is a little underweight so I wonder if she can pick up on that too?

[nannynick]

Sounds like you handled it well. She took something, you said no, she objected, you left empty handed.

It's the other people isn't it... do try to ignore them, whilst you also ignore DD (unless she is putting herself in danger). Most people have experienced the same thing with their own children, so deep down they do know what you are going through.

Children do pickup on your own mood, so could well pick up on concerns you may have. However children rarely starve themselves, surprising how little they can eat some days, whilst then they may eat a lot more another day. If you are concerned about food intake, increase liquid intake such as Milk and Smoothies.

[nannynick]

BTW "the name is Nick, NannyNick" - said in your best James Bond voice
Seriously though, just call me Nick, or NannyNick but not nanny as that sounds so Victorian/Edwardian.

[Ciske]

DD is starting to have her first tantrums, not in public yet but I'm sure we still have that to look forward to.

What helps a little is telling her in advance what's going to happen so her mind is set in the right direction, if that makes sense. We live next to a play area and she used to get very upset if we went out and she wasn't allowed on the slide. So now, when we go out and there is no playing we tell her in advance: "we're going to the car to see grandma, go go, to the car". That helps a little, along with the good old distraction trick ("ohhhhh DD... did you see the cat?")

Also, don't worry about what other people think. Who knows what mad tantrums they had when they were young.

[Ivortheengine8]

Sorry NannyNick!
I think it is, because I am quite a private person and don't like scenes in public and DH is the same.
She is actually very confident and outgoing. She goes to other people easily and isn't clingy to either of us which is good in itself but maybe she is a bit too sure of herself! People often comment on her ease with strangers/other people.

[Ivortheengine8]

ciske, how old is your little one? :)

[OzzieLou]

Hi,

Just wanted to say that you shouldn't be embarrased - you sound like you are doing an amazing job and there's nothing to be ashamed of. My experience is that most people are sympathetic - having gone through it themselves (and if they haven't they are in no place to judge!). I had exactly the same problem and the only thing I could do was to stand one or two steps away and wait until my dd calmed down. It was really hard, especially on a wet muddy pavement! But, she eventually grew out of it.

The only other thing I would say is that hunger does make it worse so just keep giving her snacks throughout the day.

Good luck and best with the new little one, Lou.

[Mobly]

Perfectly normal!! It's all part of learning at this age. She is so young, not much more than a baby. She is expressing her frustration, that's all, at this age. Let her get on with it and don't pay attention. Basically you are doing the right thing already.

I understand the embarrassment though, I'm the same, it draws attention and I don't feel entirely comfortable but it's just part of life with small children and people understand that.

If you can avoid tanrums or predict triggers then obviously do that but don't let the possibility of tantrums prevent you going places.

[Ivortheengine8]

Thanks so much Ozzie. :)
And thanks Mobly, It always seems as though it's my child though! I know inside that every mum goes through this but I don't seem to see any other toddlers having them in the street :(
I'm worried it will get worse when dc2 arrives :(

mmmmm.................so how long does this last aprox?

[HumphreyCobbler]

I think you handled it appropriately. I found it awful when my first child had tantrums (he was a SPECTACULAR exponent of the art) as I felt people were judging me. With my second child I take it so much less personally as I know it is nothing to do with my handling of her but just something she has got to work through.

It is so hard being pregnant and dealing with a stroppy toddler, it all gets a lot easier when you have a newborn and toddler.

[Tillyscoutsmum]

No advice but just wanted you to know you are not alone. DS has monster tantrums. If you stop him doing something he wants or having something he wants, he just goes into major meltdown. I had to take him to dd's swimming lesson today and he was desperate to jump in the pool. He kicked and screamed for about 10 minutes solid

[Ivortheengine8]

Really Humphrey?
A couple of people have said this to me recently but I wasn't sure whether to believe it or not!
I think I am wary of her kicking me in the stomach or something when she starts kicking around being pregnant.
I guess she may also have a feeling that something is happening soon ie: new baby?
She knows what a 'babu' (as she calls it is) and feeds and cleans her dolly though!

[Mobly]

It sort of peaked at 2yrs and calmed down at 3yrs- they are so much easier to reason with at 3- thank goodness! However, they still have bad days and stroppy moments.

I find it easier with DS2 than DS1, you kind of get used to it eventually. It doesn't upset me with DS2 but I still get that hot, sweaty feeling while laughing it off and ignoring it and acting very blase.

[Ivortheengine8]

Thanks Tilly. You had better watch your blood pressure too!
DH thinks I should be taking her out more in the pram to avoid it at the moment which I know would help but she wouldn't get the exercise, but maybe thats one solution at the moment?

[ellie02]

Oh can sympathise with you, I am feeling a bit more confident with dd2 now and she is 2.8 but she has had some horrendous tantrums in shops and in the middle of the street, the one in the middle of the street took me 30 mins to walk 50 yards as she was sitting in the middle of the pavement screaming at me as I wouldnt carry her (had carried her up to shops and half way back to car) my back went into spasm and I had to put her down, I very camly told her to take mummys hand and we would walk back to car, a few people tutted etc but I didnt care there was no way I was backing down to her and there was no harm coming to her.
Someone oncle told me I was doing a great job as a mummy as dd felt comfortable to let her frustration out. Dont worry it does get easier as they listen to reason and sounds like your doing all the right things.

[HumphreyCobbler]

There is 20 months between my two, I can say hand on heart that it did get easier after I had the baby.

[Mobly]

Go to places where tantrums are less likely. The park. Soft play. Anywhere where she can run round freely and burn off lots of energy. There may be a tantrum when you leave- what about distracting it with a box of raisins, ice cream, something like that?

[Ivortheengine8]

Thanks Ellie. :)
Mobley, yes. I was thinking today how I wished we lived somewhere different actually. We live in London (because of DH's job) and don't have our own garden here and although there are parks, it can be quite a walk which I can do but not as easily being pregnant. I really hope we can move soon to somewhere with more open space and a garden. I think that's really important. I hate living in London myself really anyway :(

[caramellokoalalover]

Just wanted to say thank you Ivor for starting this thread as now I don't feel so alone. My DS is 2.7 and had his first proper on-the-floor-screaming tantrum yesterday in Mothercare - in London too, in case you saw me! I was the flustered, sweating woman with the 12wk old baby strapped to me in a sling who was desperately trying to remain calm whilst feeling like I was the only parent in the world who's toddler behaved so badly.

[Ivortheengine8]

You need a hug Caramel, so here you are [hug :)]
Congratulations on your new baby. How is it going?
I'm exhausted today, she is really trying it on at the moment. I hope your DS has fewer than mine. Do you think he has been jealous a bit of the baby?
I was planning on slinging it with the new baby as well but am seriously rethinking the double buggy thing at the moment. I bought a new single pram and planned to swap them if dd got tired. :(

[lookatthatmess]

I feel for you all with toddlers and tantrums, its really embarrassing isn't it when they kick off in public.it must be even harder when you are pregnant or have a young baby. I am having some problems with my dd at the moment, she is 2yrs 8mnths. she normally throws a wobbler when we are trying to do the shopping. I must admit I have reached the stage now where I rarely go out with her on my own. cause I feel so awful when she starts. one day we were shopping in Asda and she decide she was going to sit on the floor and not move and every time I tried to move her(pick her up and carry her) she would scream and kick about it was a nightmare. she usually wont go in trolley either.

[Ivortheengine8]

Mine hates the trolley with a passion too lookatthatmess. Isn't it frustrating when you are trying to get them in it and the the flipping trolley won't stand still either!

[Mobly]

Ivorhteengine, there must be somewhere to go in London that's semi stress free? Maybe start a new thread for suggestions?

DS1 was not great in the supermarket either I found the best solution to this was a lollipop! You can even get sugar free if you're worried about teeth. Just a thought. Or online shopping. But yes, I think we've all witnessed many tantrumming toddlers in the supermarket.