11 yr old boy with 2 yr old tantrums.(12 Posts)
Hello all. (you may need a cuppa, this is a long one)
I could do with advice please.
Our family consists of; 15yr old step daughter(my husbands), 13 year old daughter(mine), 11 year old step son(my husbands), and 4 year old son(ours). All the children live with me and my hubby, we got together 7 years ago.
The situation is, 11 year old behaves like a 2 year old most of the time. He will cry over dinners, throw himself on the floor when he is asked to do something he doesnt want to do, ie/ homework, tidy room, put clothes away etc.
He is constantly unpleasant to the 4 year old, pushes, snatches, argues, calls him stupid, and he is unpleasant to the girls most of the time also again arguing, pulling faces , calling them stupid...
Not too bad so far, yes?
He also is aggressive and violent to me. It can be over the stupidest thing. Yesterday is an example. I said "you have 4 or 5 playstation discs on your bedroom floor" he interupts saying "theres only 2 actually" I say" well they need putting in their cases , they are going to get scratched up" he says, " I already did that" I say " ok, let me show you" We go into his room and there are the discs out of the cases. So I pick them up and one from the side of the tv. Unbeknown to me, that one was keeping the playstation lid open for some reason? At this point, he starts shouting " you stupid idiot" and grabbing for discs. Then I see a cd rom broken into pieces on the shelf. I ask him what it is, he shouts "I dont know" I say well where has this come from? he shouts" I found it" , I say where?, he shouts "outside of course, what are you thick" I say where abouts? He ignores me and carries on playing the playstation. So I say, " no, you are going to talk to me" and i turn the PS off. This erupts. He is screaming, shouting, "you idiot, you stupid idiot, get out of my room", and starts hitting me and pushing me. His dad comes up, I try to tell him whats going on, and 11 yr old still screaming and shouting, "get her out of my room." Over and over and over. The girls are not home and the 4 year old getting distressed. His dad tells him to be quiet, calm down etc but to no effect. I take the ps out of the room. Boy flies at me, clawing at me to grab it back. I put it away. Then we have maybe 2 hours of "give it back, i want it back" over and over. He wont go to his room, he follows you round the house shouting, you cant close a door behind you as he will put his foot in the door, and hang on the door. 2 weeks ago , he had hurt his brother and i sent him to his room, but he refused to go, and when me and his sister were trying to stop him going in the living room, where his step sister was looking after 4 year old, he kicked me a few times, I had a bruise on my leg the seize of a melon, and he grabbed one of his dads shoes and threw it at his sisters face.
His dad seems to bury his head in the sand. He does "talk" to him, but after the talk everything is hunky dory and 11 yr old is happy as a sand boy.
11 yr old has been in my room early hours of morning and stolen money from my purse, has taken jewellery to his mum! ( she sees them once a fortnight) he is totally destructive,scratches paint work, rips curtains, slams doors, spits phlegm out on the carpet ( yes , really). He has climbed out of his bedroom window onto the flat roof and shouted at the children 2 doors down, and they are only little 6/7 yrs, and he has taken candles and melted coat hangers, pens I dont know what else in his room. When you confront him he lies, even if you see him do it he lies! Then goes off on a tantrum.
Today, the school rang, said he was complaining not well, I said well he was fine this morning when I dropped him off ( he had only been there 30 mins). Apparently, he had told the teacher he didnt see me this morning and his dad had taken him to school. I said well his dads in london today, and she said, well what he actually said was, that I had gone out last night and hadn't come back!
He has done so much more. The list goes on. My problem is he has made everyones life miserable and hes getting worse. More aggressive, more disrespectful. I fear that its only a matter of time before he picks a knife up instead of a bowl or shoe or he succeeds in pushing his brother down the stairs, and then its too late. His dad wont even discuss him going to live with his mum ( who says hes good as gold there!) as "she left him once already"
I am considering leaving, taking the other kids, even my step daughter says she wants to leave. I see no other solution. My mums says take him to the doctors, but hes sly, he obviously doesnt behave like this at school, all though he is on report. My dad says pack their bags.
Any ideas? and I am very sorry for the length of this post.
Wow there are severe issues here. A lot of jealousy and a lot of wanting his dads attention and obviously thinking getting rid of you will get his mum and dad together. You need to be firmer with your husband and perhaps jointly speak to your stepson and say that no one is happy with this kind of behaviour. His dad has got to tell him that he loves you and wants to be with you and his son, and that he has fallen out of love with the Bio mum and they can't get together. Some sort of family therapy is required as there are serious issues. He can control his behaviour at points so he is doing this on purpose and it is against you.
Really sorry to hear about the difficulties your family are having. I'm afraid I've not no experience to offer you as a parent but your DS's behaviour is quite similar to that of my DB's when we were kids.
I really think I would help for you to seek some family therapy-Your GP should be able to direct you. do you feel like your DS gets much time 1:1 with his dad? He might feel like he doesn't quite fit in -2 older sisters & one much younger brother.
I know it's really hard to try to see things from his pov especially when he has hit & kicked you, but there must be some things - feelings/ emotions he wants to vent. The incident with his PS sounds like he was almost trying to protect his turf & trying to find a way in between you & your DH. Do you feeling that you & DH can come together & decide how best to handle this? It's really important you present a united front.
Agree with previous posts - you definitely need to present a united front with your partner. I think a visit to the GP and exploring family therapy / other alternatives may be in order. Even if your GP doesn't see the behaviour 'in action', this shouldn't impact on their willingness to make a referral, given some of the issues you mention above and assuming you feel able to talk to your GP about some of what's been going on. Thinking of you x
I couldn't live w someone like this. If you and the other three children left, it would be up to your DH to parent this kid. Which would probably suit the kid just fine! At least then your husband could get the full picture of what a handful he is.
The boy seems out of control. He needs counseling and maybe even a residential placement. You need to have safety for yourself and the other three children.
You need family therapy, and your ss needs to see CAHMS. If he is on report at school, obviously not everything in school is ok .
My son has (at various stages) done most of the things you have listed. To outsiders (and to some family) he is a brat. In reality he has a diagnosis of Asperger's - though there are many people who think he suffers from "bad parenting".
You sound as though you really don't like him (using the word sly doesn't sound nice), and although you probably have reason not to like him much he is, at the moment, one of your children and you have to work with him. You may want to walk away (God knows, I sometimes do), but in fact you cannot completely walk away unless you also walk away from your dh and your sd.
You need to start with your gp and the school, and access someone to talk to - maybe a parenting course for you and your dh to go to. You need a plan, a list of what is acceptable and what isn't, consequences that you can enforce. But you also need to understand that under the aggression there is a miserable small child screaming for attention .
As the mother of a DS (age 14) with Asperger dx everything about your stepsons behavior is shouting out "ASD" to me.
The rages at his stuff being interfered with, his space invaded etc. You say he cries over dinner, are there tastes/textures/combinations of foods that upset him? Does he get upset at changes to his routine? Has he always had episodes where his social behavior is years too young for his age? How is he at school?
It could be worth considering that the boy may have a "real" problem, it may have nothing at all to do with upset at family break up, his present reconstructed family or intentionally nasty feeling towards his step/half siblings.
Thank you all so much for your support.
Me and hubby did manage to talk today, and have written down a " behaviour- consequence " list.
My step son came home from school and my hubby talked him through it. It starts with time outs progressing to bed at 6pm to going to his grandads.( who he wouldnt dare mess with. It also states that any breakages/damages he makes ( in temper) he pays for out of money he gets.
He said ok and he understood.
He was then asked to tidy his room, but he just started with the shouting"I dont wanna tidy my room" repetitively , and after his dad telling him to calm down and go and get on with it etc, he went upstairs and started banging doors, throwing things etc.
I really dont know.
@maryz, at this point you are right, I dont like him at the moment, I count down the minutes til I have to pick him up from school with dread, he makes everyones life miserable, and I have tried to be compassionate, but its thrown back at me at every opportunity.
I think you guys are right, we need help. Maybe school first, and then I will see the GP? I know nothing about aspergers or ASD ( are they the same thing?)
Thanks again, I am grateful for your comments.
Aspergers is considered to be a form of autism. ASD is Autism Spectrum Disorder. It has a range of severity--from one end of the spectrum to the other. I too thought Aspergers when I first read your thread but I did not voice it as I probably suspect Aspergers too much.
Aspergers people have a different wiring in their brain. They cannot read emotions. They may be interested in one particular subject--and go on at length about it even it no one is interested. They are a little quirky, have a hard time fitting in. Their senses may be touchy--cannot stand tags, don't like new clothes, like their old comfy ones better.
I see it in myself. I've had OCD in the past (thankfully. medicine helped), and have obsessive interests which change. Currently it is Lego. In the past it's been quilting and gardening. Detergent has to be completely gone from clothes--I give them an extra rinse. I prefer wearing cotton and linen.
If you want to read about Asperger's have a look here. Don't worry too much about the lists of "symptoms". In my experience many of the "symptoms" vary so much from child to child that it is hard to see a particular pattern. But do have a look at some of the articles linked to at the top of the page. In particular I found this one useful to explain ds to other people. There is also a very good second on meltdowns and anger in this article - scroll down to the end of the page.
But I agree with what oldmum says - if you can work out why he is reacting as he is and realise that he cannot control some of his behaviour, a more sympathetic attitude to him might get to the bottom of it.
Essentially it sounds as though he might have a lot of sensory issues (and you need to go over to the special needs boards where you will find experts on this). For example, my son hated certain clothes, certain colours. Some sounds really distressed him (he has told me recently that fluorescent lights make loud bangs, to him, which made school difficult).
ds can only follow simple one step instructions. At 17 he still finds it hard to "tidy his room". I would need to say: Bring out all the cups and plates. Then: Put all the dirty clothes in the washroom. Then: Here's a brush, sweep and pick up the dirt. Then: change your sheets. He finds order difficult. Confusion results in a complete meltdown "how do you expect me to tidy my room, you are always nagging me, you are the worst mother in the world expecting me to do this every day, it looks fine, I'm ok sleeping in it like this"...... rising to a complete loss of temper.
This is just an example.
I remember about a year after ds's diagnosis, the head teacher apologising to me because she realised how ds's behaviour had all been the result of stress. When they (and I) started treating him differently, explaining things, keeping to routines etc., his behaviour (and his mood) improved no end.
Of course your ss may just be a brat. But it is rare for children to be so persistently difficult without an underlying reason. And although I don't advocate self-diagnosis, if even any of the things we are saying ring bells it would be good to get a bit of outside help and input.
Interesting that others have raised the suggestion of Aspergers; it was my first thought when I read the OP yesterday but as I have a son on the spectrum I wondered if I was just looking for symptoms.
There's a huge amount of information online about AS and lots of books too (Jessica Kingsley publishes a lot of titles). It took a long time for DS to be diagnosed and personally I wish that I had just gone ahead and started reading around the subject and started using strategies earlier, instead of waiting for it to be confirmed by a professional. At the end of the day, you just have to use whatever tools work for you and your son, and the label is less important.
this screams aspergers to me aswell, look into it. lyign when you ahve seen him do something and having meltdowns. there si so much to it. consequences are hard to get aswell. the following u aobut not bieng able to stop arguing it all screams aspergers, everything you posted
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