Is there a hotline for bullied parents ?!?!(16 Posts)
If there is already a thread on this please let me know where i can find it. Thanx.
With all this pc business of listening to children, respecting their feelings and ensuring all is done to keep their self esteem riding high, I sometimes feel that my kids end up ruling the roost. I have 1dd aged 10 and 1ds aged 4 and bouncing between their different issues and age appropriate ways of dealing with things leaves me feeling out of control and overwhelmed. I try so hard to be the adult and respond in a mature way but often am left feeling bullied. I feel there are respect issues towards myself and the house. Think being 43 doesnt help. Also look after 1 child before and after school who is very sweet but very high maintenance. Not really sure what i am asking for here but had a c***p week and feeling so low. Maybe i just need a holiday!!!!
No, you need to put yourself first more. I'm all for listening to children, and respecting their feelings, but you're doing them no favours if you don't teach them to listen to you and respect your feelings as well! You're just teaching them to be self-centred and selfish, and they will pick up on your inevitable resentment of them.
Gosh, never thought of that, good point about resentment. Think I will start my recovery mission with ds's bedroom, somewhere i feel particularly resentful about!! Thank you for a very helpful reply.
Do you get some time off from being a mummy to recharge your batteries, you sound tired
With all this pc business of listening to children, respecting their feelings and ensuring all is done to keep their self esteem riding high, I sometimes feel that my kids end up ruling the roost
I love this and I totally agree. I think we've gone way too far in this direction and it's why I disagree with Alfie Kohn and crew on a couple of points.
Sometimes they just need to do just as they're bloody well told!
Sorry I really don't want to start an UP row but I needed to say that
You can ring parentline, but what you actually need is a good parenting course - I am not of course saying you are a bad parent, by the way, but you need to be able to sit down and look at things outside the box and plan more when they aren't around.
I went on a parenting course when mine were about 9, 7 and 5, and it really made me think about what was important. We got exercises to do each week, and the following week we would discuss what had and hadn't worked. I discovered that I was actually doing quite well (even though I thought I was out of control).
You need to make a very short list of what is really important and work on those things one at a time. You need a timetable with some time to yourself (even if it is half an hour with a cuppa while the youngest watches tv). You need instant consequences, and you need to apply them every time. For example, my biggest issue was fighting and whinging, especially my two boys. The day I decided that if my children got physical I would turn off all electrical items and send them all to their rooms, life became much easier. I got a few "that isn't fair" and "he started it" complaints, but as soon as they realised I was serious they pretty much stopped.
You can call parentline, but in my experience even though they try to help they tend to sound shocked, which may make you feel worse .
Deal with one issue at a time. And tell yourself you are doing well, because more than likely you are .
"With all this pc business of listening to children, respecting their feelings and ensuring all is done to keep their self esteem riding high, I sometimes feel that my kids end up ruling the roost"
Getting the balance right is very hard isn't it. Children should be listened to, it sets an example of good behaviour, one that they should follow. When they don't we need to set rules and explain things.
You need to explain clearly to them how they make you feel. I usually relate it back to experiences they have had so they can understand. Although having said that I admit to resorting to hopping up and down sometimes! I've even cried in front of my 10yr old. I don't think they should be spared from facing the fact you are only human too.
I agree about the resentment, you need to impart to them that respect is a two way thing.
I agree, I think it's quite possible to listen to your child and respect their feelings while still making it abundantly clear that they are The Child, you are The Adult and it's your house, your rules and you WILL be treated respectfully. If they want respect themselves then they have to dish it out too. Keeping their self esteem riding high doesn't necessarily mean them having their own way all the time - learning how to behave properly can be a source of self-esteem too!
People who think that UP etc. means letting your children be in charge of everything have got the wrong end of the stick! And you don't need to make ' it abundantly clear that they are The Child, you are The Adult and it's your house, your rules and you WILL be treated respectfully.' either!
There is no reason whatsoever why you can't show your children that all of the members in the family are equally deserving of respect and of being listened to. It's not PC at all, it's just taking children as seriously as you expect to be taken!
Thanks for this everyone, agree with all of it, particularly being tired. Went ten rounds with 4yo last night getting him into bed until in the end i dragged him, by the arms, kicking and srceaming and vertially launched him on the quilt. Had good nights sleep and feel alot better but definately think it is time for a rethink on the respect issue. Thank you for taking the time to reply, its great support xx
Just thought I'd check back and let you know I have had a day of hopping up and down!
I very much like the idea of unconditional parenting and I try to always explain things to my children. Thing is I am finding that they are not always listening and recently the eldest has been pushing boundaries. So whilst it's nice to reach a consensus with them I think I might have to start setting firmer boundaries.
I hope you get some more sleep Panicky and start to take control, not just of the situation but how it effects you and find a way of retaining some time for yourself.
Sorry been away, so feeling alot better as had DH taking charge alot of the time AND had lots of rest. Tho was bit annoying as DS didnt even question him, he just seems to have this aura of 'dont even think of crossing me'. They play me like a fiddle. Feel bit more in control. Thanks everyone
How to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk is a good book when it comes to actually getting kids to listen to and respect you while still listening to them.
It can be hard to get the balance right.
Good to hear. As the main care giver he's probably better at pushing your boundaries
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