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Really Stressed bedtime problems please help!

(9 Posts)
aneesyboi1 Thu 23-Jun-11 19:42:08

Hi i'm new here, i'm pretty stressed out so i thought i'd join and see what feedback i get from others.
My kids ( i have 3, under the age of 7. My eldest is 6, then a girl 3, then another boy who is 8 1/2 months.
They go to bed at around 7-730pm. Their dad gets back from work at around that time, and then they get over excited and end up crying all the way to bed, and becoming so aggressive.
I let them spend half an hour with their dad, it seems as though the more time i give them the worse they get.
I feel like the bad mom in this and the dad is like their super hero.
The baby doesn't mind either way as he's only a baby, but the other 2 make me feel so bad.
Does anyone have any tips on how to make ME out to be a Goody too??

All comments welcome i really need the help, to get a smooth routine going.

thank you xxxx
Leah

osd Thu 23-Jun-11 19:50:58

Well my situation is different but my kids hero worship there dad too, i know your partner gets into work at bedtime so could he go straight into bedtime routine, bath, story, pjs, while you stay downstairs and make lovely meal and alcohol for partner as a reward for bed time with kids straight after work. If you remove yourself and let him do the settling it might balance them and see dad as a rule setter as well as play god. Good luck.

monkoray Thu 23-Jun-11 20:19:29

You could try getting them ready for bed before dad gets home. Then they get more time with dad doing fun stuff but then make him do the, ' time for bed' put to bed and stories. That way if they kick off about going to bed its dad that they have just spent happy time with who also has to be strict bed time dad too. Also frees you up to do his tea or if you are like me, put your feet up.

monkoray Thu 23-Jun-11 20:21:53

Oh forgot to say you also need to sit down with your DP and tell him how you feel and get him to agree to a plan. Just talking it through with him will make you feel better

WishIWasRimaHorton Thu 23-Jun-11 20:24:11

get DP on side. is HE getting stressed by this? or does he leave you to calm them down? he needs to understand that he can't hype them up like that before bed. he either needs to accept that that doesn't happen, and that they read stories together for instance. or, if he wants to throw them round and hype them up, he comes home earlier and does it!

aneesyboi1 Fri 24-Jun-11 00:13:47

Thank you so much guys, well i've figured that my partners pretty insecure and enjoys the attention he gets from the kids, when their not showering him with affection then he thinks that thy dont love him. So he never tells them off. He thinks they go to bed too early! And he could never do bed time routine because he would probably be up partying with them! Ive had so many disscusions with him, and i dont have family here to turn too, feel so tired and alone!

WishIWasRimaHorton Fri 24-Jun-11 13:36:11

oh dear, OP. that's the problem then. he needs to take some time out to be with the kids and build his confidence with them. can he do that? can he get home earlier? can he spend more time at the weekend? that doesn't sound like a recipe for harmonious parenting, tbh, and the kids will pick up on it and capitalise on it as they get older. you both need to be on the 'same page'. all the supernanny episodes you see where there are two parents come to the same conclusion - it's because the parents are not working together / backing each other up. if he is undermining you because of his insecurity, then he needs to do something about his insecurity, before it drives a wedge between you and causes major issues with the kids.

Catsycat Fri 24-Jun-11 16:01:06

I agree with the above - I think you need to make sure you agree how to discipline the children so that it isn't always good cop / bad cop, with you as the baddy.

My DH and I try to give the same punishments / rewards, and have also agreed on what is generally good / bad behaviour and worthy of praise / censure. That way we are both equal, and so are the kids, if you see what I mean. They know that certain behaviours will always get the same response, whether it is Mum or Dad watching them. We also have a few rewards / bribes worked out for DD1 (shes 3y 9m), like a sticker, phoning Daddy (when he is away overnight), ice cream after tea, etc etc. and reminding her of this seems to really help. Also, although she is complying with what I want her to do, she is also happy in the end because she gets something nice. And I do try to explain to her why I am asking her to do things, or why what she has done is naughty, so it doesn't seem like I'm just laying down the law (of course sometimes I do just lose it and shout a bit, because I'm not perfect).

Where it falls down a bit for us is that my husband works away for half the week. Especially the eldest of our two ADORES Daddy, and can be very naughty when he is at home, which we think is just an attempt to monopolise all his attention for the time he is here. When I tell her off and DH is away, she always cries "Daddddyyyyyyy", which really gets on my nerves TBH! I just remind her that if Daddy could see what she was doing, he would be very disappointed and cross too! So, I'm not saying we have it worked out perfectly, but being consistent between the two of us definitely seems to be the right thing.

I think that the parent who is there for less time is probably often the hero, and sadly that is something I (and lots of other mums I know) have to live with. After all, if Mum is always there, then there is no real novelty value to getting her attention. Please don't take this personally as I'm sure children don't realise how hurtful this can feel (I feel it too sometimes, though I try to ignore it). I also don't have family nearby and it is very, very hard sometimes, so I do sympathise with you.

Hope you can talk to your OH and make some sort of plan to tackle this. Only other thing I can suggest is if the local children's centre offers any sort of help that would be relevant - ours does a parenting course that tackles discipline among other things, and it also has a dad's group where the Dads can do fun activities with the children once a month (and leave mum free to do her own thing...).

Good luck! Sorry for the long post - trying to take my mind off my own problems at the moment!!!

startail Fri 24-Jun-11 16:18:28

Lighten up, be glad DP wants to spend time with the children. Is it really the end of the world if they go to bed happy at 8 or even 8.30 rather than 7.30.
Personally I'd say wild play first then pjs teeth and story. DP does need to do both and you do need to agree that they need to know that they must calm down when told.

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