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How can I help DD? She's having a difficult time at the moment

(7 Posts)
yetama Sun 19-Jun-11 23:21:19

DD is 22 months old and me and her dad have just separated (2 motnhs ago) and even though she seems she has adapted very well to the new situation she comes back very clinggy and angry when she sleeps at his house. She is fine the two nights that she goes to his for dinner but when she sleeps over the situation gets very difficult. She is used to be with me all the time as I am SATHM and this has not changed.

She goes very happy with him and I always tell her when she is seeing him and when she is sleeping at this so she knows in advance and she is prepared. I think she is suffering a bit from separation ansiety when she sleeps at his and maybe she even thinks that I am abandoning her (I supposed this because she can not express herself as yet). I am explaining her that mum and dad do not love each other any more and that is why we live in different houses but we both love her so much that she spends time with both of us.

I do not know how she is with him because her dad is not explaining me anything or even if she asks about me. At the moment we are sharing the bed and I don't know if the problem is that I am not sleeping with her when she is in his house and that is why she is so angry with me when she comes back.

Can anyone help me to help her please? I don't know how I can make things easier for her. I can't explain this to her dad because he will believe that I am manipulating her or even lieing to him, sad but true. Any advice please?

Thank you in advance

SouthStar Mon 20-Jun-11 00:54:48

I think it could be like you said, maybe because you are sharing a bed with her. Is there a specific reason why you share a bed with her and does she share a bed with her Dad when she is at his?

How often does she stay at his?

When my ds first started going to nursery he must have been around a year and half. He only went one day a week, so when the next week came around he had forgotten all about last week.
So depending on how often she stays over, it could just be that she has forgotten she stayed there before so it all seems new again.

Does she take her own pillow or blanket with her, that may help her feel more settled.

yetama Mon 20-Jun-11 13:44:04

We are sharing because he kept her cot and I still don't have anough money to buy her a bed as yet (will do in the near future hopefully). He lives in the house we used to share as a family so is familia with the environment. She takes her confort blanket with her which she needs to sleep but she does not use any pillow.

She sleeps at his once a week so you maybe right when ou say that she may have forgotten even though I explain her that she will be sleeping at her dad's. He never says anything to me even if I try to ask. He thinks if I ask that I am controlling if he is doing things right. He doesn't realise that I am just worrying for our daughter.

I just needhow I can try to make things easier for her at the moment. It is funny because once she is back she settles after one or two days until she goes to sleep again at his.

Any other advice please? Thank you

MovingAndScared Mon 20-Jun-11 14:00:09

Hi - maybe the lone parents section would have some advice - I had some friends whose daughter was about the same age as your DD when they seperated - and she was often unsettled after she had been to her dads -and actually thinking about it my DS1 used to play up after he stayed over at his GPs - still does a bit and he is 5.
I think its partly that when they come back that realise how much they have missed you - she is proably fine when she is there - and having a good relationship with her father and also you having a break are both really important

yetama Mon 20-Jun-11 14:34:16

Hi moving and scared. She goes very well with her dad so I know she is happy when she is with him. I only wnat to try to help her to know that I am in here waiting and that I am not abandoning her as I thnk this may be part of the problem. I will try to lone parent section but I thought it was more about behaivour than anything else but thank you for your comments

MovingAndScared Mon 20-Jun-11 14:52:39

the lone parents might be able to help with ideas to let her know this

but I do think its a common issue when a child is away from their main carer - what ever the circumstance -and also 2 months is not long for such big change so she might be a bit unsettled because of that
my friend eventually shifted to two nights every other weekend which helped a bit -
Also ideally when your DD is away try and do something fun and for you - go round to a frends/exercise something like that

and other thing is that is unusual for the mother/stay at home parent not to be in the family home - have you had legal/benifit advice

and freecycle can be a good place to find free furniture

yetama Mon 20-Jun-11 20:45:04

Hi Moving and Scared, it's a very long story but my daughter's dad doesn't believe that morlly I am entitle to anything because for the last two years I have not paid mortgage. Everything is with solicitors but as I still got a property even though I do not live on it or I am keeping I am strugglig to get benefits. But hopefully at some point everything will get fixed and I will get my DD a bed.

I will post in lone parents. THank you again for your comments

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