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please!! make the screaming stop!!!

(17 Posts)
BooyHoo Sun 29-May-11 18:09:29

i cant take it anymore.

ds2 (2) has started this high pitched screaming that goes right through you!! that alone would be fine if there were no triggers. but there are. well, there is 1 big almost 6 year old one. ds1 just wont leave him alone. he pokes at him and winds him up constantly. ds2 can be playing quietly on his own with one of his own toys and ds1 will just walk over and take it off him. cue screaming match and i spend most of my time ferrying them alternately to 'time out' just to keep them apart. ds1 for the 'winding up' and ds2 for the screaming. i cant take it anymore. i tell ds1 constantly to leave ds2 alone and he says he will but he just cant help winding. what can i do? i cant keep them apart forever.

SilveryMoon Sun 29-May-11 18:15:51

I feel your pain BooyHoo
I have a 2.3yo and a 3.9yo who spend every waking moment winding each other up which results in crying/whinging/screaming.
Drives me to despair, but as they are so close in age, are of similar size and ds2 is now able to stand up for himself, I am trying to just block it out.
I'm pretty sure they just do it for my audience and because they know it winds me up because they do not behave like this for their father.
Infact, just yesterday I had a lovely long lay-in, I got up because I thought they'd all gone out, only to walk into the living room to find both ds's playing nicely whilst dp watched telly.
The minute they saw me, it all kicked off and they turned back intot he little horrors I know so well!

Will be watching this thread for tips.

BooyHoo Sun 29-May-11 18:21:06

i think you are right about the audience thing. it used to be that when ds cried out i would go to him as you normally do with a young baby. i think he has caught on to this fact and has just upped the volume level to get my attention.

but how do i deal with it?? how does your DH deal with them so they dont squabble?

SilveryMoon Sun 29-May-11 18:35:41

I have no answers for you I'm afraid. sad
If I knew what my dp was doing, I'd be doing it myself!
The thing that really gets me is that I am the one who plays with them, who makes them nice dinners, who looks out for their emotional well-being, who gives them hugs, kisses, tells them all the time that I love them.
It's me who tries to keep things fun and interesting, it's me who tries not to shout, who tries to get them to understand their feelings and the feelings of those around them.
Dp puts the telly on and leaves them to it.

There are times, at bedtime where the boys have kicked off that much that dp has told them I am going out, I say bye, he walks with them to the bedroom screaming, I open the front door call out "bye, see you in the orning", close the door and guess what? They shut the hell up instantly!
Wtf is that about?
So is def for my benefit, but have no idea why they are doing this to me

Hassled Sun 29-May-11 18:39:06

I think all you can do is absolute, complete zero tolerance for DS1's antics. Sit him down when all is calm and explain, slowly and clearly, that the next time you see him take one of DS2's toys or do anything to deliberately annoy him, you'll take X toy away and he'll be in his room for X minutes. No debate, no discussion. And then see it through, every single time. It will be grim as hell for a few days but if you can get DS1 to sort himself out, DS2 will have less cause to scream.

Hassled Sun 29-May-11 18:39:45

you'll take X toy of DS1's away, I mean.

BooyHoo Sun 29-May-11 18:41:30

oh that must be infuriating for you. i am a single parent so i dont really know if they would be any different for their dad. my mum wont care for them together. she will only have ds1 as he is 'easier'. i cant blame her really. i am thinking if i just ignore all bickering and squealing unless someone is actually being hurt to see if it improves. ds1 is off school tomorrow and thursday so it would be a good chance to try it.

BooyHoo Sun 29-May-11 18:43:46

oh, xposting with you hassled. i have tried the sitting down and explaining. i have snet him to his room, and i have even got him on a good behaviour promise at the minute so when he has 7 days of good behaviour we will go and find a dance class for him which is something he really wants. he agrees at the time but seems to forget, no matter how many time si remind him of his agreement.

SilveryMoon Sun 29-May-11 18:45:04

One thing that sometimes works for both of mine is, I have given them both an 'angry pillow'.
I sat them down and told them that I could no longer allow them to hurt each other and that it made mummy very sad to see them getting angry and upset with each other, so whenever they are angry or upset, they can find their angry pillow and they can hit it, throw it, bite it, kick it, anything they like, but they cannot do any of that to each other.
It's working really well for tantrums, but they need reminding about it.

I've tried all that removing toys, but maybe because mine are so much younger, if I take one of ds1's toys, he just takes another of ds2's, so doen't really work very well.

If they are fighting/arguing over a toy, I set the kitchen timer for a few minutes then tell them when they hear the buzzer, they hand the toy over to the other one and so on (only of I can't at that precise time sit down to model to them how to share). That works well.

Hassled Sun 29-May-11 18:47:36

Well what's DS1's motivation? Jealousy? Does he have reason to be jealous (in the mind of a 6 year old, I mean)? Do you get any 1-1 time with him or are you at the stage where that's impossible? Coudl it be made possible?
I just know with all my DCs when I've got to the point where I know I love them but I really don't like them much, a bit of time on our own - cinema, bike-riding, board game, whatever - has made all the difference. It's made them nicer, it's made me nicer with them, and it does usually restore domestic harmony for a while, at least.

SilveryMoon Sun 29-May-11 18:48:32

That's a good idea, but do you think maybe 7 days is too long for a 6yo? Could you work towards small treats to have at the end of the day? and then the dance class at the end of the week?
Mine get a sticker for being kind if they can go 15 minutes without fighting! They don't understand the concept of time obviously but I tell them if they can be kind to each other whilst I do the hoovering, they can have a sticker on their chart.
3 stickers, they get bubbles, 5 stickers they get to jump on mummy's bed and so on.

CarGirl Sun 29-May-11 18:55:24

sounds like a competition for attention and perhaps you generally give them too much hence their is much to compete for?

Try letting them be more ferral?

SilveryMoon Sun 29-May-11 18:58:31

That's my plan for now CarGirl now that ds2 is a bit bigger and is fighting back.
I am over them all of the time!
Not sure it's the right move for you though BH, being that there is a 4 year gap between your 2........................but not sure what else to suggest

CarGirl Sun 29-May-11 19:09:48

Try turning the music/TV up, shut the kitchen door?

BooyHoo Sun 29-May-11 19:17:15

we do get 1-1 time. not so much during the week but at weekends we do as ds2 still naps in the mornings and on saturday nights me and ds1 have a DVD night where he gets to pick the movies and snacks and at the minute we also watch BGT as he loves the dancers. during the week it is more difficult as he is at school but i put ds2 to sleep half an hour before ds1 so we can have a bit of a snuggle and chat just the 2 of us. that's not to say jealousy isn't the motivator. it could be.

the 7 day thing could be too long. ds is aware of how many days he has racked up and knows how many left to go etc. but yes maybe i should reward a day at a time.

i am thinking i will ignore as much as i can for a while and see if it helps. (and buy earplugs)

SilveryMoon Sun 29-May-11 19:18:42

Goodluck BH smile

BooyHoo Sun 29-May-11 19:22:15

thank you. i think i will need it!!

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