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want desperately to change

(11 Posts)
JohnStuartMills Thu 26-May-11 20:00:28

Today had been a disaster. We are regularly late for school. I said to my son that when we were late 'cos he dilly dallied or didn't do his end of the morning with purpose, I would ban x-box that day. Problems are (i)coming to table to eat breakfast, (ii)eating in time ('cos of reading or lego at table), (iii)getting dressed in any decent time even though I lay his clothes out (again reading). This morning as I was waiting for him to come to the car, I was wondering why he was taking so long to wash his hands. When I opened the bathroom door, he was simply making faces in the mirror. His hands had still to be washed and he was not yet dressed. He knew we were going to be late. We were around 10 minutes late. I do not want to be barking at him all the time. I ban tv in the morning and then reading at the table and lego at the table but we keep having the same battles over and over. I have to shadow him to get anything done.

This evening we were due to go to beavers. I told him he would have to have his homework done and dinner eaten or I would not drive to town and he would not be able to go to beavers. He started watching a dvd. I kept giving him a countdown but he ignored me. I then told him as it was 6.15 and nothing was done were would not be going. He broke down in tears saying I was mean. I then asked him to pick up the detritus he had on the floor, dvd cases, lego pieces, various toy swords, toy leaflets and he eventually picked then up but was very cheeky. Eventually got to the table to do homework and dinner. When I checked his work, I told him to correct some things and he threw another barny about how mean I was and he wasn't going to do it. I then said I would cancel his playdate tomorrow AND he wouldn't be allowed to the birthday party on saturday. He is inconsolable at the moment. I insisted he go to bed. He says he wants to go to an orphanage sad .

I am not calm myself now. We were at a friend's house yesterday and the kids did what they were asked to do. They also had a sheet of light chores for my son's friend to do each week. I'm pretty exasperated at the contrast and need to put some order into our home. I pick up everything after him and have to get hot and heavy otherwise.

JohnStuartMills Thu 26-May-11 20:03:54

Sorry about such spleen venting. I think I am ineffectual but feel it will just become ugly and if I become too authoritarian. I don't want him to grow up in an emotionally lousy home.

Latootle Fri 27-May-11 19:50:53

I think you need to take more charge. remove things at breakfast table why does he have a book or lego at table?????switch tv off and maybe you do need to physically supervise a bit more. try gold stars or extra pocket money I think we all know children do have to be bribed. but hey so what if they do the things they are asked and it gives us an easier time.

skybluepearl Fri 27-May-11 20:18:23

it's hard isn't it. we get by by getting changed first before we do anything else (this makes a huge difference time wise for some strange reason). kids lay out breakfast things and we eat. next we do 20 mins of homework. then leave the house. we have banned reading or any other activity in the morning but if he is ready fast enough he might have 10 mins to read/play a game. They don't get pocket money but instead they get rewards for getting breakfast things out/being on time/having uniform ready night before/loading dishwasher/politeness/tidying away toys etc . 5p per day per task. For an older child maybe a bigger reward worked towards with points might work.

CarGirl Fri 27-May-11 20:21:06

How old is your son?

AngelDog Fri 27-May-11 21:15:39

How to Talk so Kids Will Listen is really good.

izpie Sat 28-May-11 04:46:44

How about a reward system? Write up a chart with clear morning expectation, stickers for achieving the expectation & then 5 stickers= small prize. 10stickers= bigger prize etc. My sister has had quite a bit of success with getting her 9 & 11 year old boys on track with getting ready/chores.

JohnStuartMills Mon 30-May-11 21:37:23

Thank you all for your suggestions. Lots of good ideas to ponder on. He is 8 1/2 yo. I was ill for a while recently and things were let slide a bit. I now feel quite guilty for outburst of anger 'cos on reflection feel I didn't give clear guidance and therefore my reaction was grossly unfair. I will go through what are the core expectations with him. I'm a little bit like a sergeant major in the morning now though. I would like it to be more pleasant. I've ordered that book. I would like explanation and reason and CALM.

CarGirl Mon 30-May-11 21:43:37

Okay at 8.5 he is old enough!!!

I find getting our up and dressed before they come downstairs for breakfast makes a huge difference. Also no TV/Playing etc etc before they have got dressed, eaten and then finished getting ready for school - it works. My 5 and 7 year old find it harder but my 8 year old is absolutely great about it now. My 7 year old is a book addict which is her weakness but has got much better in the last year.

CarGirl Mon 30-May-11 21:44:47

I also think we did have to use time out for a while for non-compliance which then helped it sink in that we meant it!

We both work and have to get them all out of the house for 7.45am, faffing just wasn't an option anymore grin

jenmelbourne Mon 06-Jun-11 08:34:30

Wow, your friend who gets her kids to do chores is going to have HORRIBLE teenagers lol. I feel like a useless parent when my kid misbehaves and won't do what she's told, especially when others around her smile sweetly and say "yes mummy, of COURSE i can do what you ask me to"..grrr

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