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Ds never gets invited to play

(24 Posts)
lookout Thu 26-May-11 15:32:29

Ds (6.5) has always had lots of friends. Then at the start of year 1 he started playing with a boy in his class with SN (ADHD), and now plays exclusively with him. He never plays with any of his other friends because when he tries to, the other boy gets in a tantrum, cries and stamps his feet and basically won't let him. And because ds is one to go with the flow he just kind of goes 'oh, ok, i'll just play with you'.

Now as ds now no longer plays with anyone else, he never gets invited to anyone else's home to play. Never. And it makes me feel so sad to see his other friends going home with each other and never ds. We've tried inviting his other friends here for tea, but he never gets invited back. The idea that the other boys don't like my son in breaking my heart sad

Pancakeflipper Thu 26-May-11 15:38:29

It's very unlikely they don't like your son. it's probably more of a he's kinda out of sight with this other kid so out of their minds....

Do they do 'classroom' shuffles in Sept? If so could you speak to the teacher to see if your son is getting isolated? And if so if he can be in a different class to this child? Or are there lunch/afterschool activities you can sign your son up to join if this other hold doesn't go?

But have a chat with the teacher first to find out what is going on. The teacher should be able to help and they won't think you are silly asking.

lookout Thu 26-May-11 15:47:15

No, they'll be in the same class next year as well. He does do an after school club without the other boy, but it doesn't seem to be making much of a difference. I will definitely chat with the teacher after hald-term. I now have a whole week of mulling it over and depressing myself with it all.

Thanks for your reply.

purplepidjin Thu 26-May-11 15:57:04

What a lovely and kind son you have! I bet the boy with SN doesn't get asked to play much either, and your son is the only person to show him some kindness and respect smile

Worth chatting to the teacher - both boys should be encouraged and supported to play with a wide range of children

lookout Thu 26-May-11 16:03:30

Thanks, that's a really lovely thing to say - I hadn't thought of things that way before. I am worried about him being isolated though, as he does sometimes want to play with other children. I will try not to worry about it until I can talk to the teacher. Thank you.

bidibidi Thu 26-May-11 16:11:59

We've tried inviting his other friends here for tea, but he never gets invited back.

Normal in my experience (three DC). I've had some children come around here several times but invites back are always rare, some parents evidently don't invite back or stop bothering to reciprocate if even if they seemed to before. Some MNers actually brag about how they never have other people's children to visit. Out-of-school clubs don't make a difference, either, I'd say (DD attends five social clubs/week, but has never had a social invite as a result of any of them). The best thing you could do is to really stoke up friendships yourself with the other mums. Chat constantly to them and try to find the nicest ones to have a social life with. This is the surest way imo to ensure your child develops a strong social life (being friendly with their mums).

Else, you do get used to it, OP. A small minority of parents conscientiously invite back, but the vast majority don't, unless you are already on their radar as part of their social set. At least it doesn't sound like people are blowing you off with a disgusted facial expression for even daring to ask if their child would like to come play (yes, I've had that, too).

purplepidjin Thu 26-May-11 16:12:47

Unfortunately, that is a risk. However, it will be your ds and the lad with SN who are both isolated, and really the teacher should be working with the class so no-one is excluded! Are you in touch with the other boys parent/carers? There might be some strategies they can use to support their ds to understand that just because X doesn't want to play at morning break doesn't mean you're not friends and he might play with you at lunchtime....

lookout Thu 26-May-11 16:46:32

bidibidi, I don't talk a lot to the other mums. Not because I don't want to, but I am studying for a degree atm and always drop and run so I can get home to study, plus am not particularly confident anyway, so I am very conscious of not having any social ties myself at school. My finals are in three weeks (eek) so I expect to have more time to chat, if I can psych myself up to it! I can see how that would make a difference.

purple, I would never be able to mention it to other boys' mums. We talk to say hello or whatever, but I am no way close enough to any of them to bring up my worries. Tbh, I am also concerned about the boy with SN's mum being upset about it as well. I would worry about gossip if I started talking to other boys' mums.

purplepidjin Thu 26-May-11 17:21:34

Sorry, that's what I meant - talk to the boy with Sn's Mum. She most likely feels isolated because of her son's behaviour and most likely needs a friend. There are things like Social Stories she can use to help her son behave appropriately in friendships, but it will depend on whether she knows of the issues iyswim? She's likely absolutely thrilled that her son has a friend, and totally unaware that he's controlling with it.

lookout Thu 26-May-11 18:38:13

Oh I see. Funny thing is, at the beginning this boy was really horrible to my son. He even stamped on his head one day shock. And his mum apologised for that at the time and everything. I would rather, I think, speak to the teacher first and see what happens. I totally understand that the other boy's mum might find school hard, and I don't want to make it worse. But yes, I guess you're right, if she knew what was happening she might be able to help her boy understand, I just don't want to embarrass her.

Chundle Thu 26-May-11 21:25:29

Hi just wondering if you had thought of inviting this new lad with SN back for a play? Perhaps just to the park after school one day then take him home I bet both boys would love it! Good for your lad for befriending him

lookout Thu 26-May-11 22:19:30

It hadn't really crossed my mind. I'm more worried about ds losing all his other friends that encouraging this friendship, if I'm honest.

Tgger Thu 26-May-11 22:51:57

Ah, but if you encourage/ "support" this friendship the other boy may feel more secure in it and then let your DS play with his other friends more easily smile.

Oblomov Fri 27-May-11 07:45:49

Ds1(7) has had 3 friends round, twice each int eh last few months. Not a single reciprocal invite. One mum keeps saying, oh I must have your ds round, but hasn't.
It does seem to have dried up alot recently.
Yet in and amongst that ds got invited to all 3 boys birthfday parties, wehre theyr only had a couple of friends and my ds was chosen.
So I try not to get worried about it, but just keep on going.
But maybe a quiet word with teacher about encouraging other freindships, becasue of SN boys dominance.
And before you ask, my ds has AS, so its not like I am not understanding to SN.

Oblomov Fri 27-May-11 07:48:32

Don't talk tot he other mums about SN biy. Talk to his mum. And only her. If she has any sense the dominance biot will not be a surprise, but she wil be so glad you told her, and then its up to her to atleast 'try' and have a chat with her ds about this.

lookout Fri 27-May-11 07:56:37

Oblomov, I never would have spoken to the other mums about it, I'm never around long enough to gossip! I will speak to the teacher, because as someone else said, she should be tring to make sure noone is excluded, and then try and pluck up the courage to speak to the other boy's mum. I have a week!

lljkk Fri 27-May-11 08:10:02

Try inviting different boys back for playdates, different parents might be the ones who invite back.

mrswoodentop Fri 27-May-11 08:18:46

It's not always easy having friends over.I work ,I also have a 17 year old who needs picking up half an hour after ds3 so any playdate has to be prepared to sit in car for 30 mins and then 10'min drive home.I also have a middle son with Spld,he rarely has friends over and finds it difficult when ds3has friends over so this has to be dealt with.ds1 also has AS levels at the moment and needs quiet after school to study ,we have quite a small house and ds3seems to have the louder boys as friends LOL.

Before you criticise people for not reciprocating maybe think about their circumstances ,this is not aimed at OP by the way.your ds sounds lovely and I agree start by talking to teacher

lingle Fri 27-May-11 09:06:00

what lovely replies you've had on here.

Do take a little time to be very proud of your son.

I agree with Tggr. If the formerly friendless boy is still developing his social skills, I think it may be fairly normal for him to go through a phase of first of all clinging to just one "trusted" child and needing to control him. My own son was the "trusted" child last year - it was the headmistress who told me that his time with the formerly isolated child was being monitored and limited, so I appreciate that this exclusivity is a real problem.

The mother of your son's mate sounds very nice - it must have been so hard for her to apologise for her son's behaviour. I do agree with others that your best long-term strategy here is not to try to separate the two of them but to befriend her and engage with her. If she feels more confident on the playground, she'll also be trying to widen her son's social group. But at the same time, talk to the teachers about working towards some long-term plan for the friendship group to be widened.

This means an awful lot to the little boy and his mother.

lookout Fri 27-May-11 10:28:16

lljkk, we've tried that - his four old best friends, the only one's he's asked for have been invited but no return invites - although apparently according to others in here that might be just quite normal.

mrswoodentop - I haven't been criticising anyone, only wondering about the reasons why ds hasn't been invited. Your, and other, post makes it obv that there are reasons other than him not being liked. However, I know that 3 of the 4 families of other boys don't have tricky circumstances, particularly as I have seen other boys going to play with them after school.

lingle - your post makes a lot of sense. His mum is lovely, and I appreciate how difficult school might be for her son. I just am afraid of that exclusivity that you mention, and I think the best way to deal with that, as others have said, is to talk to the teacher. I would in no way feel comfortable suddenly bringing it up out of the blue with the mum, but perhaps if we got to know each other better it might help me to talk to her about it, eventually.

Thanks for all your posts. I really appreciate other people's input, it helps put things into a different perspective.

lingle Fri 27-May-11 17:23:43

oh yes bringing it up out of the blue would be horrible for both of you <<shudders>>. Let her be the first to say she wishes her son was equally comfortable with other kids......

Tgger Fri 27-May-11 20:18:14

Hope you get some joy with the teacher. The teacher certainly needs making aware of the issue and perhaps can direct the SN boy towards different children other than just your son the whole time.

Maybe there are strategies the teacher can use for this-eg getting all the boys (and girls too if approprate) in the class involved and setting up some system so perhaps a group of children include SN boy in their play at certain times.

If it was me I would get to know the other mums a bit better so you can voice your concerns to them- all be it in a gentle/friendly way- and also get to know the SN Mum. Completely understand re the studying but as you say this will be done soon. It doesn't have to take that long in any case, just 5/10 minutes can make such a difference. This could actually make the difference between your son being invited back or not - perhaps as you haven't had time/inclination to stop and chat you (and your DS) are not on their radar as much as others who do.

minxofmancunia Fri 27-May-11 20:43:37

Your son sounds like a sweetie with a big heart and he must have got that from somewhere smile.

My dd graduates towards kids with diffculties, she's v nurturing, she tries to be kind, i refuse to get involved with any social politics so she plays with everyone, i know some mums deliberately keep their dds away from on eparticular little girl with issues. As a result dd is her only friend and i won't be a bitch and deprive this girl of her only mate, her self-estemm is rock bottom as it is.

I'd talk to the teacher and keep plugging away with the other mums, he'll get more invites eventually.

lookout Sat 28-May-11 18:34:35

Thank you so much for all your very kind messages. And the advice has been really useful. I will talk to the teacher after the hald-term break and once my exams are finished, I will be desperately hanging around trying to get to know people better wink.

You've all given me a bit more confidence, and thank you so much for your positive advice and comments.

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