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My behaviour is terrible.I lose it every day.Please help.

(37 Posts)
mollyt Thu 14-Apr-11 12:49:34

I lose the plot with both of my little girls (2 and 4)almost every day - the red mist decends and before I know it I am literally screaming at them. I then spend the rest of the day feeling very shakey,my blood pressure is through the roof, slightly blurry vision and very guilty .
I think I need help with anger management - I have very little patience despite how hard I try and vow most evenings and mornings to be a nice mummy.
I find both girls whiney, demanding and difficult and every single thing is a huge battle - hair,teeth ,shoes,breakfast etcetc is a nightmare.They are not good sleepers (never have been) so we are all permanantly knackered.

I really am hanging in there and just wanting to fast forward a couple of years which I know I'll kick myself for.
I really feel very lost and alone with this and need outside help.
my partner and GP are both fab but can't be there 24/7 - I take a/d's.
Any supportive comments /suggestions welcome.

TotalChaos Thu 14-Apr-11 12:53:11

webster stratton course/positive parenting - often put on by surestart etc

going out, whether it's toddler group, park, shops etc - is it easier for you to keep your temper in public?

nursery/cm for a day a week to take some pressure off you if you can afford it.

the sleep thing probably is key to a lot of this. went through sleep hell myself (3 year old with SN up till 2 am most nights), so sympathise but have no genius tips. If HV or GP is supportive they may have useful input re:sleep.

mollyt Thu 14-Apr-11 13:10:56

thans for that - a parenting course might help

slipperandpjsmum Thu 14-Apr-11 13:26:40

When you are stressed things that prob wouldn't get to you really get under your skin and people see things slightly out of proportion. It also means you focus on all the stuff the children aren't doing right rather than what they are doing.

I def agree about getting out of the house with them and meeting up with some other Mums. Everyone struggles sometimes but some people are very good at hiding it.

Do you work? What about a college course? Something to give you another focus in your life.

At times we can become really worn down by life and things all seem too much but I think your posting is really honest and brave. Being a Mum is such a hard job. Please remember you are not alone in how you are feeling x

pinkdaisy Thu 14-Apr-11 13:28:36

I can't offer much advice, but I often feel the same. I have 2 ds's (4 and 22 months) and they are also very demanding, ds2 in very whiney and ds1 is very boisterous.
After they go to bed at night I am often feeling guilty for moaning and shouting most of the day.
I think a course would also help me, am also thinking of trying a meditation course. Any other tips would be greatly appreciated as ds3 is due in 4.5 months and don't want to still be like this then!
Lx

springlambkin Thu 14-Apr-11 13:55:21

Sympathies.

I think you need to sort the sleep out and everyone will feel better.

HOw you do it I don't know though.

<useless>

purplerabbitofinle Thu 14-Apr-11 14:06:29

Cross post to Mental Health, and maybe try general health. Blurry vision isn't a symptom of anger afaik.

Put the kids into nursery one morning a week. This is not because you're a crap mum it's so you can be a fantastic mum the rest of the time. The kids will love having lots of friends to play with smile

Oh, and it's only four and a bit months til September when i assume the oldest will be out of the house all day? Not that long to go...

sarararararah Thu 14-Apr-11 14:10:46

A tip that is often mentioned is to imagine there is a film camera in the room. Try it! I find it makes me really think about my actions and reactions towards mine (DD, aged 3 and DS, 5 months).

It seems like there is a bit of a negative cycle going on, which can be hard to break. Parenting course would definitely help with this, I'm sure.

Can you have a "children moon" for a couple of days where you only do the very bare minimum housework wise and just be with them. There is a fantastic blog - nurturestore.co.uk with millions of ideas of things to do. I try to let them lead the activity and just sort of do a running commentary on what they're doing. You'll have to force yourself at first, but I find when I do this and stop sloping off to do other things, things improve.

Can you tell us a bit more about the sleep to see if we may be able to help? Quality sleep all round would obviously be of benefit to everyone!

Sorry if you've tried or this, or if I'm teaching my granny to suck eggs, just trying to help.

Tgger Thu 14-Apr-11 16:55:00

SLEEP!!!!!

I would make this your priority. The best of Mummies can become monsters when sleep deprived (speak from personal experience here, well not sure I was the best but...)

I would research sleep techniques (ie how to get your daughters to sleep through consistently), decide on one and go for it! You will be amazed by the results smile.

There are lots of books- the one I used was "Teach your baby to sleep" from the Millpond sleep clinic, very straightforward, offers a range of techniques and not just for babies- up to 6 I think.

Could suggest a whole lot of other things, but when I saw your post I immediately thought SLEEP! and so it is.

Perhaps you could get some professional support on the sleep thing if it is a big problem and you haven't managed to solve it yourself in the past- I know how easy it is to feel defeated when you're in a vicious cycle, but actually sleep problems are often easy to solve if you are consistent and can carry through a programme for a couple of weeks or so.

Good luck!

WMDinthekitchen Thu 14-Apr-11 17:06:11

Hi Molly, sorry it all feels so hard. One tiny little thing which might help while you take classes, get more sleep etc and which might save your vocal cords and more yelling sessions (clearly upsetting for all of you) is, when you feel yourself getting angry, take deep breath and take one step backwards. I know it sounds nothing and pointless but I found it helpful sometimes. I found it had a slight calming effect on me and it is something you can do today. Good luck for the future.

TheVisitor Thu 14-Apr-11 17:10:52

Can you afford a couple of nursery or childminder sessions so you can get a few hours of time to yourself to recoup? That was essential to me when my children were small.

mollyt Thu 14-Apr-11 18:47:46

thankyou all for your ideas - i work two days a week - I might put ds2 into nursery for an extra day for a while whilst i get my breath back.thanks

blinks Thu 14-Apr-11 18:53:32

i posted on your other thread in M/H asking if you've had a full medical assessment for the BP/shakiness /blurred vision?

also when did you start a/ds and why?

blinks Thu 14-Apr-11 18:53:50

plus are you taking other medications?

mollyt Thu 14-Apr-11 18:57:05

yes take thyroxine been on a/ds 20 yrs for depression

blinks Thu 14-Apr-11 18:59:30

is your thyroid monitored regularly and how is it normally?

what a/d do you take?

i think you should get thineself to the gp to ask for full assessment based on what you've mentioned.

ABouttoeatalltheeggsGIRL Thu 14-Apr-11 19:01:41

Sleep! I have been going to bed much earlier for the last few months as DH is getting up very early for work and the difference in my mood, temper and general happiness is amazing. Also, probably the last thing you want to think about but some exercise daily (even if just a walk with DDs) will help you all and some healthy food. Finally, I just decided to stop losing my temper so much, it was a conscious decision and making it and remembering it often has helped me - I also apologise to DSs if I do lose my temper now. Good luck...

blinks Thu 14-Apr-11 19:02:31

not to ignore your other issue of anger towards your kids- 2 and 4 are difficult ages, you're knackered and it sounds like you have poss medical concerns also.

i think extra support, perhaps some relaxation techniques, sticker charts/reward sytem for good behaviour and some effing sleep would sort that out for you.

day in bed. someone to babysit somewhere other than your house ALL DAY. can you sort that out?

mollyt Thu 14-Apr-11 19:05:29

could take a day off work and have day to myself (work 2 days) no there's no one to sit - family miles away mates already got their hands full.good idea though.

blinks Thu 14-Apr-11 19:09:51

speak to friends anyway, ask if any of them would be willing to do it.

can partner not do it one day at the weekend- take them out for whole day?

and are you going to see your GP about the physical symptoms?

homeboys Thu 14-Apr-11 20:10:13

Message withdrawn

legobuilder Thu 14-Apr-11 20:31:33

Try and step back when you feel the anger setting in - leave the children in a safe room and go and take a few minutes to regain a bit of calm - they will probably cry when you do this, but so be it.
remember that you are on their side. you want what is best for them, and you are the one who will always be there for them, fighting their corner. try not to see battles where you could just go with their flow, accept that their flow is different than yours - in other words, don't sweat the small stuff, and don't beat yourself up for "giving in" or "letting them away with it" - you do ahve to take the easy route sometimes, and let them guide you.
have faith in yourself- the fact you recognise it and are concerned shows that you are a fab mum, and will get through this exhausting and stressful time, my kids are 2 and 4 - it's neverending i know. good luck.

mollyt Thu 14-Apr-11 21:28:50

thanks all for tips and advice and general words of wisdom.much appreciated

nannynick Thu 14-Apr-11 21:33:01

Parenting class I doubt would help given that you can get practical advice on here as and when you need it.

What routines do your children have?
Do you play with your children, get involved in their games?

Are you consistant with discipline. If you say No, can they whine enough to make it become a Yes?

Work on one thing at a time. Perhaps start with establishing an evening winddown routine if you don't have one already.

Turn some requests into a game, such as getting dressed... who can get their clothes on first? 2yr old will need your assistance. Sometimes you let your 4yr old win, other times you get 2yr old ready quickest.

Shoes - do they always need shoes? Welly boots are sometimes just as suitable. Provide limited choice, so your children feel they have some control.

nannynick Thu 14-Apr-11 21:35:15

As legobuilder says, there are times when you go with the flow. Keeping in mind that their timescale is different to yours.

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