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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Behaviour/development

Don't know what to do :(

14 replies

emmsmama · 28/02/2011 22:53

My son is 8 and he told me a few days ago that a while back (he says it was probably a year, but I can't be sure), that he asked to see a girl friend of his's private parts. That would mean that he was 7 and she was 3 at the time. He said they also touched each other's parts.

I know without a doubt that my son hasn't been sexually abused and I know in my heart that this was just normal kid curiosity.

I'm worried about telling the other mum and wonder if I should. I don't know what good it would do and I'm very afraid that if she doesn't take it as an innocent child thing that she will call somebody to report my son and put him through the ringer.

I told my son that it's normal for kids to be curious but he should never do it again because people's private parts are for them only. My husband and I have talked and neither of us is sure what to do.

We both know it was an innocent childhood thing, but I'm petrified of how the other child's parents will react. My son said he's never done that with anyone else. I don't want him shamed over this and depending on how the other mother reacts I don't want the other child to feel badly in any way either about what happened. The really tough part is that I can't even be sure when it happened because they've played together a lot over the last couple years.

I'm really torn on what to do right now.

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lookingfoxy · 28/02/2011 23:01

Im not really sure that I would do anything tbh.
It does sound like childrens curiosity and what you've told him sounds fine.
If your son is generally honest and open with you I would be tempted to leave it.
Children always have been and always will be curious in this way.

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emmsmama · 28/02/2011 23:59

I just talked to my son again and asked him if he could try really hard to remember what happened. I told him that no matter what he said to me I wouldn't be upset and he wouldn't be in trouble for it.

He told me that the little girl said she was going to touch his private parts and put her hand in his pants and touched his private and then he said he would touch hers and he did and that was it. He also said he's kissed her a few times.

I told him again that it's normal for kids to be curious and just to not do it again and if anybody ever asks to see or touch his privates to just say "no" and tell me, but that there was nothing bad about kids wondering about things like that.

I'm a worrier by nature though and although I'm glad he got it off his chest and we could talk about it so he wasn't walking around any longer feeling guilty about it, but it makes it hard for me now feeling torn about what to do.

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Maelstrom · 01/03/2011 00:15

Well, I was writing a message saying that it was probably just innocent stuff, but your last post... change the things a little bit.

One thing is for children to be curious about their differences, but if he was kissing her and touching her parts at the same time, I would be more worried about how my child came to try to do this, this doesn't seem age appropriate at all, has be been been watching stuff that had some sexual content? has he accidentally seen you and your husband doing something similar?, or more worryingly, has he been subject to some sort of sexual abuse?

But be careful with the questions you ask a child, as he may end up telling you worrying things that never happened just because he thinks, in his mind, that's what you want him to say. So if you talk to him instead of saying things like "did you kiss her?" do ask open questions like "is there anything else you want to tell me?" to avoid leading his answers.

You can try to ring the NSPCC for advice. You don't have to give your details or those of your child, just ask for guidance on how to proceed.

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hellymelly · 01/03/2011 00:17

It seems quite strange to me that a 3 year old girl would touch a penis in this way,my dd is three and I can't imagine this at all-what are her family like? Maybe this was part of a jokey conversation? My dds do laugh if they see DH naked, so I suppose if they were talking about willies or something she might have been curious? Still sounds a bit funny,the way your son described it.His side of it does sound totally normal and the sort of thing seven year olds might do,but her side sounds more worrying.I am not sure at all what I would do in the cercs. I see how awful it could be for your son,who is still very young child,to be demonised over this for no reason.Probably it is best left and forgotten about,but I do have a niggling worry about the little girl,as it seems very overtly sexual behaviour for three.

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LauraIngallsWilder · 01/03/2011 00:30

Hi
My first instinct was do nothing, as it seemed like fairly innocent children being inquisitive behaviour.

But your later post is worrying.
A 3yo would not IMHO be inquisitive about a boys 'bits' and would not ask to put her hand down a boys trousers. It sounds like (from your post) she made the first move.
Very odd behaviour and overly sexualised for a 3yo.

I would talk to the NSPCC and ask their advice.

I understand that you wouldnt want your son to get into trouble over this but OTH how awful if it turns out that the girl is being sexually abused.

Why did your son suddenly decide to talk about this now I wonder?

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Maelstrom · 01/03/2011 00:34

But wasn't he the one who put her hand on his parts?

If they had only done that, I may understand, but if they were kissing... well if they were adults I would thought they were masturbating each other. So, if I were the OP I would be trying to find out if it was my son who initiated the behaviour and if so, where that behaviour came from. If it was the other child... I would tell the mum, but expect the sh8t to hit the fan. :-(

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emmsmama · 01/03/2011 02:04

No, he didn't put her hand on his parts. He said they were playing and she said she would touch his and did and then he touched hers.

The kissing was a separate thing all together. He said that the touching part only happened once and the kissing happened a few times. It definitely wasn't masturbating each other. From his description it was a quick silly thing. I can see the concerns about why she would initiate it, but I still think it was an innocent thing on her part.

I have no concerns about my son being sexually abused or the other child. I suppose it's possible for the other child, but I still don't think so. I think it's normal for kids to be curious about stuff and it's not like they were on top of each other or rubbing each other, they just touched each other once and that was it when it happened. The kissing isn't like French kissing, ds said they kissed on the lips but it was a peck like a kid kisses a relative or a parent.

My son doesn't watch any sexualized movies, violent shows, nothing like that. I'm surprised it took him this long to tell me what happened because he's the type of kid who is very sensitive and can't keep a secret for nothing. That makes me think even more it was an innocent thing that he didn't think a lot of until more recently, though I don't know for sure what brought on the concern now. He's been confessing stuff left and right to me over the last few days, nothing off-the-wall at all, just stuff as trivial as that he hid a toy behind his door so he wouldn't have to clean it. Anything he might feel guilty about he's been telling me about.

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MadameSin · 01/03/2011 11:10

Be very very careful. Are you still good friends with the little girl's parents? As your son was the older party, it would almost certainly come back and smack you in the face ... it's just how it will be. As worrying as it may or may not be, I would let it go. You only have the words of a young child to go by and as it was long ago, facts may be squiffy. Seriously, think about all consequences if you mention it. What do you honestly think the girl's parents reaction will be?? You could be turning something 'healthy' into a very 'unhealthy' issue. By all means, talk and educate your son on appropriate behaviors in this area, but don't make a mountain out of it ... it will confuse him further still

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CharlieBoo · 01/03/2011 13:05

I would let it go, I really would. It sounds innocent to me. A friend and I (boy) always would pretend to snog and fall onto the bed together. (I had seen it on Dallas). We were only 5 or 6. Try not to worry, kids will be kids.

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Chundle · 01/03/2011 13:20

hi, my dd is 6 and has a 'boyfriend' when i was in my friends car both kids were in back seat i saw them both pull down their pants and show each other their bits! i was shocked but turned round gave them a look and they stopped. when i got home i gave dd the talk and hoped she understood why we dont do things like this. I wouldnt say anything like others have said, your lad would prob get the blame and in fairness it wasnt his fault - kids curiosty thats all. If anything the 3 year old wanting to touch boys bits sounds like she has seen something she shouldnt in my opinion. your lad sounds like any other his age

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emmsmama · 01/03/2011 13:41

I've booked my son an appointment with a psychologist today because he seems to be worrying excessively about things since a couple days ago. He's been telling/confessing to me the most insignificant things. Anything he thinks he could have possibly done wrong is bothering him and I'm concerned about the worry he's having about everything.

Also, I will be talking to the mother today because my son told me something else this morning that puts a whole new twist on things. He said to me, "I'm worried that K has it now too." By "it" I think he means the curiosity about other kid's private parts. "K" is the other little girl's older sister (she's 6). He said that when they were at a playdate last week at McDonald's that when they were at the top of the slide she said she was going to touch his private part and he told her "that's inappropriate" I hope this doesn't come back on my son in any way, but the fact that the older sister said that to him makes me concerned about the two girls and the mom should know.

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lookingfoxy · 01/03/2011 21:20

I would still be hesitant about saying anything.
The big sister might be curious as well (obviously) and this is where the younger one has picked it up from.
It really all does sound like kids stuff today and your ds done the right thing, your chat obviously worked.

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RNIB1234 · 25/04/2020 07:10

You should allow small children to see other children children undressed so their curiosity is dealt with, bathtime, normal changing cloths or swimming changing for example. When a child shows curiosity answer it, 'your like daddy Jane is like me.