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DS showing problem behaviour all of a sudden

(14 Posts)
worryingbehaviour Tue 11-Jan-11 16:00:43

Hi - have namechanged obviously.

My ds (Year 2) has bitten another boy today - completely out of character and then burst into tears and didnt want to go outside at all.

Yesterday he soiled himself and ddint tell anyone and his teacher (in a long phone conversation just now) has said she has been concerned about him all term really as he has been very withdrawn.

His dad has remarried and changed the days he has him and the routine has been lost and we have had an elderly relative move in as well.

How can I help him through all these changes and talk about how he is feeling (he clams up like a teenager or gets shouty)

He is unable to express any emotion through talking - we have had success with Hot to Talk type iniatives in the past but even these seem to be failing now.

Its all so upsetting sad I really want to help him and cant believe this is all happening.

purplepidjin Tue 11-Jan-11 16:14:15

Behaviour is a form of communication, so you need to find out what he's trying to tell you. You already know this from your post smile

Does the school have a counsellor or particular staff member he likes more than the others that he could spend some time with? Doesn't have to be a teacher - sometimes the maintenance person or a dinner lady seem less threatening. They could liaise with you about what to ask him about, and he may feel more comfortable talking to a neutral person.

You could also try visual conversations. I assume at 6/7 he's not tremendously emotionally literate, so drawing - both of you - what happens and how it makes him feel might be easier.

HTH

worryingbehaviour Tue 11-Jan-11 16:14:16

Please help - I feel like a complete failure. Like I've obviously really let him down.

purplepidjin Tue 11-Jan-11 16:14:39

Sorry, worrying I took too long typing!!

crazygracieuk Tue 11-Jan-11 16:15:35

I would hug him lots and reassure him. His Dad has a new wife but won't be replacing his son, the access arrangments won't change again soon... Change is scary but can bring new opportunities and greater happiness. Maybe talk about big changes you've been through or that he has overcome in the past.
I find that when kids are badly behaved, that's when they need you most. Would he write in a diary or could he call a grandparent or neutral third party? My ds is not a talker but has a book that he writes in when he is angry and likes screaming into a pillow. Does your ds have sone way to release stress and fears??

crazygracieuk Tue 11-Jan-11 16:18:43

What my son also does is list specific worries then works out counter arguments or solutions to the problem. Eg S said that he hates me and will never be my friend ever again. His counter arguments would be something like last time he said that, he was totally normal with me the next day. Or if he is still mad with me tomorrow I will play with T

crazygracieuk Tue 11-Jan-11 16:26:01

Me again!!
My son is not a talker and he sometimes feels reasly reassured when I hug him or stroke his hair in silence. He knows that I love him and I know it's sometimes hard to talk about feelings. I like to think that when I do that, he is quietly off loading and feeling better as a result.

worryingbehaviour Tue 11-Jan-11 16:35:16

He has come in now and I asked him if anything happened at school today (as I always do) and he said nothing and is playing rummy with his grandad really happily.

I will try the writing and drawing solutions - thankyou all.

I cant change what happens at his dads house though - ie I cant make his dad talk to him in the right way iyswim and he is so unengaged with all the emotional stuff as well.

I thought we were all doing ok as well so its come out of the blue.

They dont have a counsellor at school - and his teacher had waited a whole term to tell me that she thought ds 'had a real sadness about him' sad

crazygracieuk Tue 11-Jan-11 17:12:19

The teacher's comment must have broken your heart. sad

worryingbehaviour Tue 11-Jan-11 17:41:58

It did - and I was a bit confused as to why she hadnt raised it before.

worryingbehaviour Tue 11-Jan-11 19:59:54

I spoke to him about it tonight and probably made the whole thing worse - sometimes you just feel like a shit parent dont you.

purplepidjin Tue 11-Jan-11 21:31:27

You're trying. That makes you an awesome parent.

Maybe print out something like this and work through the bits you think will help?

crazygracieuk Tue 11-Jan-11 22:01:27

Don't feel like you're shit. If you were you wouldn't care.

You are clearly a fab parent who wishes that she knew what to do (and we've all felt like that) I wish that I could offer you a magic wand sad

worryingbehaviour Tue 11-Jan-11 22:50:06

Thanks for those resources - I will have a good look through them.

It turned out that ds had bitten the other boy because he was teasing him about the accident he had had whilst backing him into a corner of the building. Should I tell the teacher or does it not matter? I mean it doesnt matter in that what ds did was utterly unacceptable but it does give the context.

How do you unpick all the things that might be affecting them if they dont tell you btw?

Ds also says he doesnt enjoy school because its really boring and the teacher acknowledged that she knows he knows what shes teaching already but that she doesnt give him extension work because he doesnt ask for it - but thats the point - he cant ask for stuff becasue he cant express himself at all like that.

Very frustrating. We did have a really good chat after he came downstairs later on and we cuddled and I listed all the things that made him special to me and tried to tell him that I loved him whatever he did. He doesnt like to hear it though.

Thanks for today - it really helped me smile

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