Ds is 11. Year 6 at a boys school, where he is quiet, gentle and well-behaved. He's been bullied intermittently over the years (boys have teased him verbally) but the school has always stepped in promptly and put a stop to it. He likes the school and hasn't wanted to be moved when I've suggested it. He is introverted but has 3 good friends. He's into maths and ICT. He needs to use a laptop for his work because of lack of coordination and 'processing delays.' He's a very bright child but lazy. I don't push him.
At home he is a nightmare. He is deeply jealous of his 8-year-old sister. I have never seen such intense sibling rivalry. Dd goes to school with scratches, bruises and black eyes (which she has been asked about at school). He can't go past her without hitting her. She is terrified of him (but nonetheless occasionally does the younger sister thing of winding him up, which I don't tolerate). He is convinced I love her better. I don't know how he can think this. If anything I have given him more attention over the years than I have given her.
He is violent with me: hitting, punching, slapping, hair-pulling, pushing (once into oncoming traffic), throwing objects at me such as heavy books. Over christmas he threatened me with a knife. Except for the knife incident, he does these things in public as often as he does them in the home.
He is extremely tall and strong for his age. He is the tallest in his year and almost as tall as I am and over 100 pounds. Restraining him is almost impossible. In fact his father recently developed a hernia, which I suspect is a result of physically lifting him and off me and dd when he is walloping us. We are gentle people and he has not 'learned' violence off of us.
He is never violent to anyone else except his 3 closest family members: his father, his sister and me. He was a dream child from the ages of 3 to 7. This troubling behaviour has been going on, with increasing severity, since he was about 8.
We have gone to the GP. We have been in family counselling for 1 year. Ds hates going. He hardly talks to the therapist, who has examined the home life and doesn't find anything too problematic with our limit-setting and discipline strategies. She doesn't know what to suggest, except to keep ds in therapy in the hopes of some break-through.
When he started complaining of mild headaches, it gave me leverage to ask for a scan. The doctor herself suggested there could be a physiological problem, like a brain tumour. The scan was negative. But the neurologist who ordered the scan said ds needs to be seen by a psychiatrist and perhaps, too, an autism specialist. I explained that ds is empathic, sensitive and funny and that I doubted he was ASD. She said that some children on the 'spectrum' show atypical features of autism.
After 3 years of this I feel defeated, powerless and terrified of my son. It has depressed me, and his father too. I have been wondering if I should move out with my daughter temporary, before ds accidentally puts her in hospital, just until we can find a way to help him. It can't be good for her mental health, to grow up in this hellish environment. I can't imagine she has a single happy childhood memory. But if I left it would probably be ds's biggest nightmare. But I have a responsibility to dd too; she needs to be protected.
I wonder if anyone else has experienced anything similar?
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Behaviour/development
Violent, out-of-control 11-year-old
44 replies
Medea · 09/01/2011 15:39
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Toughasoldboots ·
13/01/2011 13:17
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