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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Behaviour/development

DD doesn't want to go to friend's birthday party

14 replies

marykat2004 · 06/01/2011 20:59

Ok here we go again.. it just seems odd to me. Tomorrow there is a joint birthday party for 2 of DD's closest school friends. DD says she doesn't want to go. She doesn't want to miss her swimming lesson. I told her it's ok, that swimming is every week, she can miss it once, and I even offered to take her swimming on Saturday to make up for missing her lesson. But she insists that rather than go to the party with her entire class (and 2 friends - if it was a child she wasn't friends with I wouldn't question it), she wants to go to swimming lessons.

I also explained that if she doesn't go to people's parties she can't expect them to go to hers. To which she said she didn't want a party next year.

She has never liked games like pass the parcel or musical statues. I guess I have to just let her choose what she wants to do, though it seems awfully young to be missing out on social events.

Is this ok? I know when she was 3 and 4 she didn't like party games, but it seems like she should like them by now? or not? Can you still have friends if you don't go to their birthday parties?

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marykat2004 · 06/01/2011 20:59

DD is 6 by the way.

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lizandlulu · 06/01/2011 21:15

its an awkward situation. my dd has just turned 5 and has said she doesnt want to go to one of her closest friends party on sunday. i feel that i have to take her, weather she wants to go or not. they are friends and i think my dd just needs pushing in the right direction (not saying that yours does) my dd doesnt really like party games either and often is a sore loser, but i feel that if she has been invited then she should go. at least until shes older.

if dd was screaming blue murder in protest about going then i wouldnt take her, but otherwise i am just going to make light of the situation (come on lulu lets time to get ready, lets go have fun, that sort of thing)

just realised this post is not much help to you,sorry

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marykat2004 · 06/01/2011 21:22

Well it is awkward. It's good to know mine is not the only child like that. I don't feel like I should force her. Also, I don't reward for tantrums. So I don't want to drive her into screaming in protest, or I would make her go, just so she would not think that screaming is a way to get her way (we have some issues with tantrums).

I guess I should have just told her she is going and that's that...but too late now.

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lizandlulu · 06/01/2011 21:24

we have issues with tantrums too definately a girl thing.

have you told the parent she will be going?

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CarGirl · 06/01/2011 21:24

Not my dd but know of dc who are like this, no idea how to handle it though - I guess it's all just too much for them?

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Ponders · 06/01/2011 21:25

could you explain to the mums, & arrange for the 2 friends to come to your house for a separate birthday tea another day?

(I never liked big birthday parties when I was little either )

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differentnameforthis · 06/01/2011 21:58

Can you still have friends if you don't go to their birthday parties

Of course you can! I think I would follow her lead tbh. She doesn't have to go.

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differentnameforthis · 06/01/2011 22:05

i feel that i have to take her, weather she wants to go or not

Why? My dd is 7 & had a party for her 7th birthday.

We gave out invites. dd & her friend (L) are a week apart in birthdays & got her invites in first.

A was invited to both parties, but her parents could only buy a present for 1 girl and because L had invited her first, she went to hers. I told her to come to dds & not bring a present, but her mum didn't like the idea of doing that.

They are still friends, I don't see you would let a party come between friends at the age of 6.

I think it is good that she isn't wanting to follow the 'trend', isn't going just because it is expected of her, or just because everyone else is.

She has made her own mind, independently of what others are doing. That's good! Will stand her in good stead later if she learns that not following the pack is acceptable now. Could keep her out of lots of trouble in the future!

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stealthsquiggle · 06/01/2011 22:08

If she doesn't want to go, don't make her. She seems a very self-contained young lady - she can decide for herself when/if she wants to go to parties, and I see no reason why it would have any lasting impact on friendships.

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elphabadefiesgravity · 06/01/2011 22:09

I think that is is really nice that your dd has such sommitment to her swimming lessons that she preferes to miss the party.

My dd is not allowed to miss regular paid for in advance activities for parties, people know and understand that and they still come to her party.

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lal123 · 06/01/2011 22:11

Why is this an issue? If she doesn't want to go then why would you want to make her? Do you always want to go to things you're invited to? In the grand scheme of things she will not suffer because she didn't go to a party when she was 6??

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marykat2004 · 06/01/2011 22:12

"She has made her own mind, independently of what others are doing. That's good! Will stand her in good stead later if she learns that not following the pack is acceptable now. Could keep her out of lots of trouble in the future!" -

I like that. One good thing about her stubborn-ness is that (hopefully) no one will be able to push my DD around later in life. It's just hard work for us now.

one of her friends is a twin, and the only time we had them round the boy twin fell off the swing. I'm not sure if his mum would let them round again? that's another thing entirely. I felt bad about it, but I never had a boy, and didn't know you had to stand over them even when they are 5. anyway maybe we can have a special play date with the friends.

I didn't like big parties when I was little either now that I think about it.

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arcticwind · 06/01/2011 23:01

I agree - don't make her. Even at such a young age it helps her to know that you respect her wishes.

If she does not want a full on party how about a sleepover or a cinema trip for her birthday, or as she loves swimming a swimming party?

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marykat2004 · 06/01/2011 23:15

yes I said if she wants a cinema trip instead and she liked that idea. It's not til September anyway.

Actually now memories are flooding back of my mom making me have birthday parties when I didn't want to. The first time I enjoyed my own party was when I was 30. There are plenty more things to do than have parties.