DD is regressing - I think I may be babying her can anyone offer advice?(10 Posts)
OK am going to be totally honest here to get feedback; things my close Mum friends don't have a clue about. This may be long but I really could some help from experienced, confident Mums
I think I need some real help with my DD just turned 4. Good points are she is mature and extremely well behaved, has gone to pre-school from 2 and is very well behaved and sociable at school. She reads and has a passion for learning new things. Although she is my only (I am unable to have any more children don't really want to go into it) she has half- siblings and sees her friends as much as possible.
Fort he end of this term she has been really ill, one things after another, she is quite delicate and not a big eater so she tends to get quite nasty infections (a couple of hospitalisations) and drops loads of weight. She has had loads of time off school and it has been just me and her dancing around her trying to get her to eat and drink, taking her temp and well worrying myself sick about her.
I feel I am a very serious Mother and find it hard to mess about and play and I feel she has turned into a very serious soul because of it. I also suffer from anxiety and when she is ill I just do anything she asks because I am so worried about her.
To get to the point, I don't know if our relationship is normal. She comes into our bed every night and DH sleeps in the spare room. This has gone on from pretty much birth. She is very possessive of me at night. When she wakes (when not at school) she wants to play on her DS or computer and I set it up for her, then I will often have to take her her breakfast and feed her as if I don't she won't eat. The same with lunch and dinner really. She also still has a bottle of milk I really haven't told anyone that but it's awful. It's just again because she is so slim that I have wanted to get calories into her any way I can. She has never had a dummy but her bottle she loves. I don't think she totally respects me somehow - she loves me but she likes me to baby her and i don't mind to, I have never been "strict" but she has never been "naughty" iyswim..
There are other things but it will be far too long
Will she grow out of this behaviour naturally or is it something I need to do - to be stricter with her?
I do think you need to get her into a better routine - she should be stopping what she's doing for meals, in fact I hope you don't mean she's spending all day on a computer or DS as that's very limited for a child (even if she's poorly). I'd also be moving from bottle to cup.
Personally, I'd also want her to sleep in her own bed and let you and DH go back to sharing a bed - I don't imagine it is helping your relationship to sleep apart, and it is giving her an odd view of her own place in the family to be allowed to be "possessive" of you in this way.
You don't have to be "strict" in a nasty way, but you do need to push her to move on to what is more appropriate for her age, for her own benefit.
I don't think any of it very serious individually, but her illness has meant you have been spoiling her a bit, which is fine.
As she will be heading to school, I would work on one thing at a time and just tweak her day to suit a slightly more grown up format. Eg have a big clear up for her Xmas gifts in her room, maybe give her a big girls nightlight and get her in her own bed. I do think you should have your bed as a couple, as not good for a marriage otherwise.
Get rid of the bottle of milk and give her a lovely yoghurt that she is allowed to choose as she is a clever/bigger girl.
Make sure there is a 'problem with her ds' so it needs to charge while you have breakfast together at the table. Rave aboutnhowmgreat it is. Then shape her day to follow.
As for being 'fun' mum, I'm not really bouncy type, but I do try to play a practical joke, or tell a joke! So pretty non-spontaneous, but I compensate with arts and crafts.
Don't panic, but encourage her to learn skills that she will need for school and going to play with friends.
I think you are babying her.
Ditch the bottles, replace with hot chocolate of smoothies in a proper cup
Then stop feeding her, i would just stop cold turkey, serve her favourite foods to encourage her to fed herself. Sit at the table with her.
I would do this one at a time, maybe over a period of week 1 change 1, week 2 no new changes, week 3 change 2.
Then tackle the sleep thing, new sheets, nice calm bedtime. Then return to bed repeatedly. Maybe do this in half term or when you have a quite time as it will be knackering.
Thank you all.
She does not have her DS on all day no - but in the morning during all this time off it has become her obsession because we have been stuck in so much. I will certainly start putting it on the top shelf now.
Yes I really want my bed back - it has been so hard sharing my bed for this long and her posessiveness during the night is a sore point for DH big time, I am just trying to please everyone and get at least some kind of sleep.
If I stopped feeding her cold turkey I fear she will not eat a bite, but realise I have to start somewhere obviously as I would not have posted for advice.
I am defo more an "arts and crafts" type Mum, lots of reading, drawing, number work. I also try to compensate so much for her being my only one, and feel with all this illness/ time at home she has become too mature in some ways and too babyish in others if that makes sense.
Aw, they are all a mix . Once you get her being a little more self sufficient you will relax. How about making her breakfast together! Or even baking and cooking together? Only bigger girls are allowed you know!
I agree with what the other posters have said.
I'm just wondering - do you get much time to yourself to do your own thing at all? I know that's easier said than done (am at home full time with a baby and toddler myself) but your posts give a way a sense of her having completely taken away anything that was you outside of her.
Apologies if that's not the case, but you may relax more with her if you feel more refreshed after spending time on yourself?
I am a firm believer that children will eat if they're hungry enough. When you stop feeding her she may have a couple of meals where she refuses to eat, but if you try to keep it low key rather than a battle I think she will start feeding herself. Can you cook something that you know she really likes, start feeding her and then get called away to do something? Leave her with the food there but just let her get on with it. Do you eat at the same time as her? What does she do if you give her finger food like sandwiches rather than something which needs to be spoonfed?
You will have to stay really calm though and not get worried when/if she doesn't eat. Otherwise she will use it to get her own way- "I'll only eat if you feed me"
That is exactly what I do Pozzled , exactly - I feed her a forkful then disappear, but the TV is on and she will continue. Lately with all this regression she is not but that was my plan.
pgtt - No you are right, I haven't had any time lately because she has been ill I worry and worry about her health. I suffer from anxiety and particularly when she is ill it is really bad. I have also had to quit my job because it hasn't worked out with our family life, but that is another thread!.
The reason i suggest the cold turkey approach is because otherwise it becomes a battle
I would just calmly stop, put appetising things in front of her and eat yourself
She may last a few meals without eating much but she wont hold out hungry forever
Otherwise come september you will be worrying yourself sick about her not eating her lunch at lunchtime at school because you arent there to feed her
Come up with some new 'big girl' treats to spend quality time together, mine love snuggling up on the sofa with popcorn for 'movie nights'
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