He just doesn't want me and finding him difficult

[clare40]

My 3.4 year old just doesn't want anything to do with me, and it is really getting to me. He wants his dad to do everything and will say he doesn't want me to come on trips or to help me. He actually says "mummy can't come". I don't really know what to do in this situation, he will cry and make a fuss if I try to help him, so we are kind of going with it and letting his dad do a lot with him, but then I spend all my time with my other child. I don't want this. I want to spend time with him too. It is so hurtful.


He has always been a spirited child, and I have found my relationship with him much harder and more complex than with me other child. I just don't know where I have gone wrong. He sometimes seems really mean - not just to me but to other children - saying he "hates" them or trying to do stuff that he knows will upset them - ruining their games. I must add he is not like this all the time, and has some really nice relationships esp with his sibling and some slightly older children.

He can be such a well behaved loving child, but he can also do things that he will know cause upset (like throwing my clean washing on the floor or throwing his cup). I just don't "get" him.

Please help if you can??

[gingerjam]

I think it may just be a phase that your partner needs to help encourage him out of. positive/negative encouragement at appropriate times. He is still very young and has plenty of time to change.

[SkyBluePearl]

Have you tried having more fun games and being silly with him? Trying not to be so needy?

[clare40]

Good points made, I am definitely the less fun one out of me and my husband! I will try. I know this sounds odd, but I find silly playing difficult.

[ttalloo]

Has anything changed recently (i.e. new baby, moving house, or you going back to work)?

It sounds like a phase he's going through, which involves him testing to see just how much power he has, and what he can do with it. If you don't show any anger or distress at his behaviour he will soon find it boring, and stop doing it. It's hard, I know, because being rejected by your child is not nice (DH has to put up with it from DS1 and DS2, and sometimes really struggles with it), but I am sure it is just a phase.

You're his mum. He does love you. He's just pushing buttons, I'm sure.

[clare40]

Thanks ttaloo, I am actually less sensitive about it today.

On the being more fun bit - I pretended to a sleeping bear - which made him scream with laughter. May be there is hope ;-)

[UniS]

who does he want when you NOT there? who does he want when hes ill.
My DS adores his dad and "says " daddy is his favourite and he loves daddy more than mummy.

BUT when I'm working ( infrequent but always a full day and night).. and when hes ill, its me he wants.

[RealName]

My DD 2.5 is like this and I know how it feels. I find it helps to be less needy but frankly it's two steps forward and one step back. No real advice, but just wanted you to know you're not alone.

[Joolyjoolyjoo]

It does sound a bit like he is pushing your buttons. DS (3.2) did this tonight, only we had it the other way around- he wanted me to dress him after his bath, not DH, and he actually hit DH when he tried to help him with his PJs and threw a MASSIVE strop because I didn't immediately come running.

As I felt he was attempting a little power game, I told him that DH would help him get dressed, then I would come and read his stories, but he went berserk at not getting his own way, so I left DH to deal with him. Once he had calmed down (a little!) I went up and explained that I didn't appreciate that kind of behaviour, and that it made me very sad to see him behaving that way towards his daddy. DS can also be a real daddy's boy when it suits him, so I did feel that his behaviour was more about getting his own way than about missing me! I asked him to apologise to DH and give him a cuddle, which he eventually did, then I gave him a cuddle.

I do feel that sometimes children do this kind of thing to almost play parents off against each other, so I think it's important that they see in response some kind of united front. Sure lots of people will be on soon to tell me how wrong I am, but it was important to me not to rush in and "rescue" the situation as I could have. It hurts me on DH's behalf, and I feel I need to convey this to DS.