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4 yr old really intense in friendships

(5 Posts)
skewiff Mon 13-Dec-10 11:18:19

DS is nearly 4. Since being a toddler he has been intense in SOME friendships. Always he's intense with younger and/or less assertive children. When he was younger he would smother them with sloppy kisses. Now he wants to play with them (when with them) all of the time, and can't read their body language if they don't want to play with him.

I have not really thought too much about this in the past as when with more assertive children DS's play is totally normal and fine.

But at nursery now (they've brought this to my attention and I can see it for myself) DS has made friends with a little boy who is often into it and sometimes not at all and DS will not leave him alone. Nursery are trying to get him to play with other children but not all that successfully. They say he always goes for less assertive children to make friends with and has to be in control.

DS stays for one extra afternoon and his friend is not there then. Nursery say (and I've observed when picking him up) that for this afternoon he is totally fine and plays with a whole mixture of children and on his own.

I just want to know if any of you have experienced anything like this and what I should be doing.

Unfortunately the 'friend' and DS will be going to the same school - probably - and I'm worried, even if they're in a different class that it will spill into the rest of DS's school life.

Having said that if it wasn't this child it would probably be another one.

Thank you.

Tgger Mon 13-Dec-10 14:02:23

Sounds pretty normal to me. They are just learning how to make friends and how to behave socially. He's still very young.

I would think it would resolve itself in time- I guess a calm chat at home about how children sometimes don't want to play and then you should go and play by yourself or with others would be good. But I would do it very gently. I would hope the nursery staff can gently re-direct him at nursery as they are there and you are not!!!

We have this at home with DS (just 4) and his little sister (just 2). Quite often he tries to involve her in his games. Sometimes she is happy to play, sometimes not, then he gets quite agro sometimes and I have to step in.

I would see how it goes, and then when it gets to school time you can always request to the school that your DS and his "friend" are in different classes.

skewiff Tue 14-Dec-10 13:54:16

Thank you Tgger,

I think part of the difficulty is that I am not there - as you say - so I can't see what's going on. I'm getting all this info second hand really and then my imagination can't deal with it very well.

Not helped by fact that my son has a statement for mild CP and nursery are looking at him as if everything boils down to his diagnosis - which I don't think it does.

Still - the behaviour of small children can be mystifying - and DS is my only one at the moment. I like to understand what is going on and what is the reason behind behaviour - but I can't do it (yet) with this.

Tgger Tue 14-Dec-10 22:35:41

Must be annoying to be labelled, Grrrrrrr.

At my son's previous pre-school they had concerns because he was playing by himself and alongside others and not really joining in. He was just 3 and had also just moved house. WHAT DID THEY EXPECT!!!!!!

Unsurprisingly after another term he had made friends and was joining in....
At school nursery that he started in September he was also shy to start with. He is now making friends of his own which is lovely to see- but I think it's taken him to this age (4 and 2 months) to be able to do this really- just getting older and developing solves a lot of their "problems" smile.

skewiff Thu 16-Dec-10 12:11:15

Yes, I'm less worried now I've had time to process it all.

I talked to the 'friend's' mum and she says her boy is just as much into the friendship and she thinks nursery are blowing the whole thing out of proportion.

I've spent the morning in nursery today (as it was Xmas party and I was helping) and nothing seems that different or strange to me.

I'll just have to monitor it, I suppose.

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