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Ok, so how would you have handled this?

(13 Posts)
MrsGravy Mon 06-Dec-10 09:45:11

Because I handled it badly. Very badly.

My nearly 4 year old DS is being incredibly 'challenging' lately. He is particularly defiant - usually to deliberately wind us up. Getting dressed in the morning is sometimes a flashpoint so I generally get him (and his big sister) started 30 minutes before I need him dressed so I have plenty of time to deal with him calmly when he starts messing around. He used up the full 30 minutes this morning but eventually got there and I remained calm. But just as we were about to leave for school he decides he's not wearing his coat, hat and gloves. It's below zero and a 15 minute walk to school so this is simply not an option. I did try physically wrangling him into them but he's a sturdy boy and I got nowhere with this approach.

So, what would you have done?

And also, any tips for dealing with a child who refuses to do anything you ask him to do whilst smirking to try and wind you up. He is also now doing things that he's not supposed to do i.e leaving banana skins and rubbish lying on the floor. Again he wants to wind me up as he smirks at me when I tell him to put it in the bin etc. Some stuff just can't be ignored but any attempt to deal with his behaviour seems to make it worse. I should add that, despite being 1 of 3, he gets loads of attention and I make sure to spend a decent portion of the day doing stuff with him.

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly Mon 06-Dec-10 09:54:17

I would have let him out of the door without them and carried them. Within 5 minutes he would have been saying he was freezing and asking for them, whereupon he would have put them on.

As for the rubbish stuff, well, I'd try totally ignoring him. Just pick it up and don't react to him. At all.

I have been known to step over mine when they were on the floor having tantrums.

If tv is on turn it off until he's done what you want him to do?

Engage him - let's do X together then we can do Y (fun thing) ?

erm... go into his room with a bin liner and remove all his toys and make him earn them back?

er <thinks> star chart? X number of stars for good behaviour earns a treat?

Hand over hand - physically make him pick up (I did this with mine, yes it requires great strength so if he is too strong for you, that won't work grin )

Don't get wound up! Leave the room. Have a coffee. Develop a neutral face. Yawn. Don't ever let him see that he's getting to you.

And that's all I can think of atm. grin It's early and it's cold and I need more coffee!

MrsGravy Mon 06-Dec-10 10:19:55

Well we got as far as coat and scarf on in the end and carried his gloves and hat. He didn't give in and wear them! Maybe he would have done on the coat though - I might try that next time, I guess I couldn't help but worry what people would think of me letting him walk down the road with no coat on in minus zero temperatures.

TV goes off when he won't co-operate and I can happily ignore tantrums, for some reason they don't get to me. It's this smirking, laughing at me when I'm cross stuff that is like a red rag to a bull. And doesn't he know it! Am going to try harder to ignore it. Getting into a battle with him (as I did this morning) achieves nothing. Thanks!

Poledra Mon 06-Dec-10 10:24:50

My DD2 was awful earlier this year, behaving much like your DS. She was at her worst at my CM's. So, we started a star chart for her (at the CM's house) and, when she got to 7 (I think) stars, she got to cook with my CM - we chose cooking as it's one of her favourite things. It worked really well after a difficult two weeks, where she got really upset if she didn't get her star. However, we just stayed calm and explained why she hadn't got her star that day and that she would get one tomorrow if she behaved.

We found that the start chart was no longer needed when she went to school - we had suspected she was bored and didn't like being at home with the 'babies' and would appear we were right. She loves school, to the point that she wants to go even when she's not well.

You're doing really well if you can keep your cool. That was my hardest thing, and I will admit to some days when I just yelled at her blush

plus3 Mon 06-Dec-10 10:26:25

My DD is doing this too - her first term at school and I know that she is tired but God is it trying.

This morning she asked for chocolate spread on bread for breakfast. DS asked for boiled egg. Said to DD would you like an egg instead and she said YES PLEASE(!) made eggs , then she threw an absolute tantrum because she wanted choc.spread on bread. So she went to school without any breakfast.

How mean am I????

MrsGravy Mon 06-Dec-10 10:32:06

Oh Poledra, that's the problem, I DIDN'T stay calm in the end! I managed for a good 30 minutes and then just absolutely exploded. DS loves cooking too...maybe a star chart would work too...if he behaves we'll do some baking after lunch I think. Don't reckon he'd stick with it for 7 days but maybe earning 3 stars over the course of a morning?

Plus3, misery loves company, it's so helpful to know I'm not the only one!

Gipfeli Mon 06-Dec-10 10:35:11

If you're worried about what others think, you just need to wave the coat around whilst periodically saying "Are you sure you don't want to wear the coat, ds?" and anyone who's ever had a small child will understand!

I would have let mine out out without a coat too and taken all the stuff with us.

For the rest I ignore lots. Lots. And if DD doesn't do things when I ask her, then I don't do things for her when she asks me.

Ragwort Mon 06-Dec-10 10:41:46

You have my sympathy - my DS was like this at 4 - he is still like it at 10 sad.

Its the rudeness and 'belligerent' attitude that I really dislike - I would love to know how to be a better parent, I try the sanctions, withdraw 'treats', reward chart, ignore the behaviour, try to discuss it rationally etc etc etc - what else? grin. He is an only child so he gets plenty of attention (note - I don't believe he is spoiled, has far less 'materialistic' things than his peers). I look at other mums with their sons who really seem to enjoy their company, my DS seems to hate me - loves his dad though.

Sorry, not much help at all !

Agree - don't worry about what others think, my DS often goes without warm clothes, even in this weather !

annoyingdevil Mon 06-Dec-10 11:24:20

Yes, my DS is like that too. Very worried as he starts school in January.

Gems this weekend include: repeatedly hiding the set top box behind the sofa, weeing in the sink of his toy kitchen, and hitting daddy in the face with a coat hanger

Appletrees Mon 06-Dec-10 11:27:20

Sorry to say this but I have taken mine in winter round a supermarket in bare feet and a t shirt and in and out of the car park. Total refusal was history after that.

couldtryharder Mon 06-Dec-10 13:18:20

Feel for you MrsG. My DD (5yrs) can be very trying sometimes and whilst I try my hardest to keep my cool as losing it helps no one, sometimes I blow my top. I too have tried all kinds of approaches and find they only work until she suses (sp?) it out. Her current favourite is to tell me 'I don't care mum' whenever I try to explain to her why certain behaviour she is dispalying is not appropriate/appreciated. Infuriating.

No answers I'm afraid, just a fist of solidarity for the stressfest that is parenthood.

MrsGravy Mon 06-Dec-10 14:13:53

Oh god ragwort, dont tell me I have 6 more years of this I do feel better knowing its not just me. He's actually been fab this afternoon so maybe we've magically turned a corner hmm

InkyStamp Mon 06-Dec-10 14:24:55

Mine wouldnt go upstairs to change this after noon after he deliberately wet his pants because I put him on the naughty step. SO he got returned there. He wouldnt stay put so I just kept on returning him till he did. Then he apologised and we started again. He wouldnt go upstairs so he got put on the step again. Again I had to return him over and over. We went through this for at least 45 mins. He sat there eventually...and fell asleep!!

Basically, I feel your pain!!

<goes to step to check on child...still asleep!>

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