I just can't do this anymore....(13 Posts)
but know i have to.
I am struggling, really struggling with my twins. They are 2.10 yr old identical girls. I also have a ds (9yrs) and another dd (6yrs).
I've had two kids before, you would think I would know what I am doing but I feel like such a DREADFUL mother because alot of the time all I am thinking is 'I wish you'd never been born'. Never said that to them, been close, but held it in.
They are lovely at playgroup, with a friend who minds them one afternoon a week, for dh, for grandparents, at toddler groups etc. Just the usual toddler type stuff. BUT, the minute it is just me and them on our own, I find it hell.
I cannot do anything right, I drive around a corner and I get screamed at, this morning one said 'you're not mummy, you're Lucy (she is actually the friend who minds them)' so rather than disagree, I agree so as to stave off another screaming fit, but then the other one pipes with the correct names and screams at the first one for getting it wrong. Who then screams some more. And I am sitting in the front thinking, how did that just happen?
Last night one had a fit because she couldn't see our house from a distant road (we can see it in the day) because it was dark!! 'Want see our house, want see our house!!!' screaming, screaming and kicking my chair. Like it's my fault. Out of the blue, again, how and why did that happen?
One's on the loo having a poo so I say call me when you've finished, back and forth I went 3 times because she would shout she'd finished but when i got there to wipe her bum, no she hadn't finished so pushes and screams me away. Meanwhile, twin 2 in kitchen asking to get down from lunch 'finished mummy' so i go to help her get down and she screams that she wants to finish the remaining kiwi on her plate. Meanwhile twin 1 shouting she's finished in the loo.... again! Back and forth, back and forth, running around after them getting stressed and knowing that, God, if anyone was watching me right now I would be so embarassed.
So many more examples but too many/boring to mention.
I have just read that back and i know it sounds a) quite funny b) toddler behaviour but when every bloody interaction you have with you child/ren follows that same vein, and I do mean literally EVERY one, and just for me, not for anyone else, it makes me feel somehow mocked.
But then I think, how can an almost 3yr old mock me? They don't know that's what they're doing, but it's how it makes me feel. Like they're taking the piss, like their thinking, if we do this/say this, don't do this mummy won't like it and it's fun to see mummy stressed!
And sometimes I hate them for it, and hate being their mummy. And then feel guilty for feeling that way.
I know it's normal, I know they all tantrum, I know it's just a phase (bloody long one but hey ho), I know I should ignore and I know I'm not alone (I stayed up til 1.15am last night reading threads from this board to try and make myself feel better) BUT I am really not coping with it and am finding it really hard. And my other two are getting it too, sometimes they just have to walk into the twins room and they get told off - 'NOOOOO not like you, get OUT'.
Is there anyone out there who has the same sort of thing going on? Like I can be driving along and one says 'want see Jake' (the brother of a toddler friend) out of the blue. So I say, 'Jakes in school today' 'No he's NOT, want see Jake' 'But he's in school' - cue screaming fit/tantrum. WHY? Just because she can? But what should I say/do?
I wish I had an earpiece in my ear with a child psychologist on the other end who would tell me what to say/do/whether to ignore because at the moment I feel like I can't do anything right.
Sorry it's long, sorry its pathetic, sorry it's self centred.
I'm just at my wits end.
I remember finding my dd very wearing between 2 and 3 years (for exactly the reasons you mention) and I know that it would have been far worse in stereo with other children to think about too.
The first thing that crossed my mind is how much of a break do you get from them, and how much time do/can you spend with each individually? I find that time apart does mine and my dd's relationship the world of good and only having one child to think about for a bit is good for them and you.
They do go to playgroup 4 mornings a week which they absolutely love. And so do I lol. And they sleep well and still have a nap most days. Which makes it sounds as if I am moaning about a very small amount of time doesn't it!
The one thing I am going to do next week is take one of them out of playgroup and spend just one to one time with her, and then do the same for the other one on another day. My dh seems to think I will be making a rod for my own back and they will then expect this all the time but I don't think I have ever spent time with just one of them in almost 3 years. It may help, it may not, but i'm going to try.
Thanks for your thoughts.
might be worth looking at the book how to talk so children will listen etc, as just thinking from some of the things you mentioned in your post eg the last thing about want to see jake and that kind of thing, they have some techniques in it which may be worth a try. cos it seems like u telling them he's @ school doesn't satisfy them so there was a technique i remember where instead of saying that you would like validate their wish by acknowledging it and then you can expand on it more, so instead of saying "no he's at school" could say something like "oh you want to see jake? what would you all play if he was here now?" that kind of thing just to acknowledge the topic and distract them into a conversation about it, rather than they might feel they want something but you've just said no to them so it becomes a confrontation
not sure if it will work but worth a try, you may be able to just get it out the library
Do you go to any special clubs for twins etc? Have you spoken to TAMBA (twin & multiple birth assoc)
Eg in my town there are a few mum and child groups specifically for those with twins etc. They have volunteers as extra pairs of hands and you'll get advice off other mums with twins.
Quality time is a great idea btw, they will really appreciate it. I don't have twins but I love spending time with my DD while DH has the baby.
I have got that book, I read it with my first but have forgotten alot of it. Maybe it's time to dig it out! It's a good idea and just reading your Jake example made real sense.
i dont go to any twins clubs because it is on when they sleep and when I did go, I was the only one once and it just wasn't very active.
My dh, mum and dad all think spending time with one whilst the other is at playgroup is a bad idea. Because the twins both love playgroup they feel the one with me would not like missing playgroup! I think that 'mummy time' would be (hopefully) better. So I am going to do it and see what happens. My mum is also worried that it won't live up to my expectations and if they are still 'difficult' for me i will be really upset. Time will tell.
Many thanks for your comments.
Gosh...twins. I have a dd of two and one of six and I fear I am going mad at times...yours is doubled!
I think spending time alone with each one is a good idea...they will each beneit from this...after all, Mothers of hildren who are not twins do it...ensure each chid gets time alone with Mum...so wy shouldn't twins benefit too?
I hope you manage to get some time alone...it must be very challenging!
I really feel for you, it sounds like a difficult situation.
I am not a twin Mum but I am a twin and feel that for the majority of my childhood I missed out on individual attention or being allowed to have a personality and space of my own (everything was 'the twins'/'the girls'). As ShanahansRevenge says, why shouldn't we ensure twins get 1:1 time with their parents just because they were born on the same day? It seems to be a given with children who are not twins after all.
I think it is important to treat them as separate individuals with their own interests and personalities and not constantly worry about being evenhanded with them. My Mum has said to me she didn't pick up/cuddle my sister and I much in case the other one got jealous (seems to be a fear she projected onto us or possibly the fashionable thinking at the time) but that definitely had a negative impact us both. And incidentally made us much more competitive as we were vying for what little attention was on offer. I have absolutely no idea whether 1:1 time with them will help in your case (and I'm not trying to criticise - I can't imagine how hard twins must be, I find it hard with one DD 2.7) but I thought I'd offer my insight.
Hope you get some good suggestions - have you posted on the multiples forum?
It's hard because we're always told to reason with children and explain things etc - but most toddlers aged 2/3 don't really 'get' logic - let's face it, toddler logic is equally puzzling to adults - and some can actually find it frustrating, it sounds like your girls might do. I guess it's the same feeling as if you're just having a rant and someone keeps coming in with solutions when what you wanted was a listening ear.
Hi there. There has already been so much sound Advice, but I just wanted to add that my 3yr old son certainly has quite similar behaviour which can drive me maaaaaaadddddd!!!! I try and remain calm, positive etc but at times, as awful as this sounds, I seem to find myself swearing under my breath about him ALL DAY ie as I walk away from yet another unexpected meltdown about things out of my control I'll quite often been muttering things like 'liitle s**tbox!!!!!!!' repeatedly or even stooping to an incredibly childish level and as he walks away I'll be walking behing him flailing both hands with the 'v' sign behind his back.... Incredibly immature but somehow relieves part of my frustration which would otherwise all come out directly at him....! Guess I'm trying to say having negative thoughts and reactions bout ur kids is certainly guilt-inducing, but normal I think when they r going thru certain difficult patches. U sound like a bloody good mum who is trying very hard to make this situation better-one on one time, to me, sounds like a really worthwhile thing to try. I have a 3 yr old, 1 yr old girl and3 month old baby and my son's behaviour is DEFINATELY better when I really make an effort to concentrate solely on him even if it's just for 15 mins a day-but as u know even trying to find 15 mins alone is hard so I reckon ur playgroup tactic is good. Best of luck x
My 3 and a half year old DS has been behaving alot like your DDs although I have seen some improvment recently. I have one year old twins and thinking of them reaching the terriable 2s fills me with fear. Your childrens behaviour is normal, Your feelings are normal. Just keep doing your best. Good enough, is Good enough! You will survive this.
Sounds to me like they have you wrapped round their little fingers. It has to be much harder with twins, so I really feel for you. But I think it's the age old thing of setting boundaries, setting up sanctions - and being consistent. And spending one-to-one time with them as much as you can.
Get your older ones involved, they are old enough to help by playing with their siblings.
Thanks for all your messages and advice, I really appreciate it. I have a busy week this week but next week I am going to do the 'one on one' time and see what happens.
McGill - your post made me laugh. I do exactly the same sort of thing. For F**CKS sake is my mantra!! Under my breath of course. lol. And tearing my hair out actions!!
I am trying hard to ignore some of it these last few days because I am sure some of it is done to provoke a reaction. It's bloody hard though!
twinsplus3 - good luck to you over the coming 2 years!!!
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