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DD is 6 and she & friends have developed worrying behavior

(24 Posts)
ShanahansRevenge Thu 18-Nov-10 13:41:32

DD is in year 2...aged 6. There are only 11 in the class, 5 girls and 6 boys...all get on well wit each other. Last term a new boy arrived and he is apparently (according to his Mum) displaying Aspergers traits which is why she movd him to our tiny close knit school where she hoped he could benefit from more one to one attention and also because he had no friends at his old large, state school.

At first my DD was friendly to him, she told me "TOm played shop with Anna and I today" and things like this....but then another little girl..Zara.. (also new) began making "in-jokes" about Tom...about some of his tics (of which he has many) and some of his behaviour traits....my DD would walk inthe school yard and Zara would rush up to her to begin the "game of laughing at Tom" even if he was not about...they would snigger about him etc.

Last night a seperate friend from school ..Lucy..came for tea...and I was really dissapointed that she has also been drawn into this game of laughing at TOm...Lucy has a whole routine where she imitates the way Tom talks etc.

I spoke to both girls and asked them to please not laugh at Tom and to try to be his friend...and they both said "he doesn't care, he's always smiling and he laughs too"

Which made me even more sad Later when Lucy had gone, I spoke to my DD and she said she wouldn't join in the bullying anymore...I explained that's what it is...but I fear that the other 2 girls have strong characters and may pressure my DD into this horrible behaviour.

Should I mention it to DDs teacher? Or just keep explaining to my DD about how to behave?

I honestly cannot BEAR this kind of thing...I hate to think of children being picked on. I was bullied for a short time and know how it feels.

MaeMobley Thu 18-Nov-10 13:43:39

Please do mention it to the teacher and keep explaining to DD how to behave.

geraldinetheluckygoat Thu 18-Nov-10 13:46:46

yes mention it to the teacher.

ShanahansRevenge Thu 18-Nov-10 13:48:19

Will DD get in trouble? What will the teacher do?

Owlingate Thu 18-Nov-10 13:49:40

Yes yes mention it so she can also inform the lunchtime staff etc. Did you explain that Tom's laughing / smiling do not necessarily mean he likes their behaviour? You're a good Mum btw, poor old Tom.

CarGirl Thu 18-Nov-10 13:52:17

Please tell the teacher, they would hopefully do some class learning about being kind and accepting of one another.

ANTagony Thu 18-Nov-10 13:52:55

My DS also 7 yr 2 is ASD. Fortunately one of his traits is being incredibly independent and thick skinned to peoples comments, especially if he sees them as illogical or false. He is also in a small close nit school that we chose because his old large school couldn't really cater for him.

The school have been fantastic and have had outreach workers in, who work with small groups from his class and talk about behaviour and friendships, how people should relate to each other, what is nice behaviour and how different behaviours make you feel. They have spoken about personal space, reading facial expressions and respecting each other for who they are.

If you raise this as an issue with the school they may be able to access this kind of therapy support to work with all the children. I believe they all benefit and it helps them to think about how they treat others and how they would like to be treated in return.

Francagoestohollywood Thu 18-Nov-10 13:53:34

Talk to the teacher, and keep talking to dd.
I don't think your dd will get into trouble. It is up to the teacher to try to make her class a more inclusive environment.

MaudOHara Thu 18-Nov-10 13:54:19

As the parent of a DS with ASD - please please do speak to the teacher.

There is lots that the teacher can and should do in terms of educating the children about tolerance of difference, about bullying and other elements of social and emotional learning.

The boy may "smile and laugh too" as he is emulating their behaviour - when DS was this age he wanted to play with other children but did not know how - so he let them do whatever they wanted to him as part of a game - - this included being tied up with skipping ropes and having stones thrown at him sad sad sad

Please talk to the teacher - your DD is unlikely to get into trouble if that is your concern.

bisybackson Thu 18-Nov-10 13:56:18

Excellent advice all round. Please tell teacher and keep re-iterating to DD. DD should not get into direct trouble. This is anti-bullying week and they will prob take the opportunity to talk to the whole class.

embracingtangents Thu 18-Nov-10 13:56:48

As the mother of a child with AS, could I please thank you from the bottom of my heart for worrying about this and wanting to help with the situation. If only every parent was like you smile.

Its completely natural for six year olds to struggle with someone who is behaving differently. I don't see malice in this situation but the need to explain that the AS child is different sometimes and needs help and understanding.

I'm sure the teacher is working on this in school but it might help to flag it up so it can be nipped in the bud.

A SN child in my younger DD's Year one class enjoys the help and support of all the children around her as the teachers have really developed a culture of compassion since reception class. It has really brought maturity to my younger DD in her understanding of the situation. In a close knit community it would be very possible to bring out the best in these girls characters and develop their awareness and tolerance.

You might want to post this on the special needs board Shanahan. Many AS parents over there who would comment from past experiences.

My DD is usually rejected by her peers, so we haven't had any specific bullying type behaviour yet.

Thank you for your understanding, and good luck with this.

tethersend Thu 18-Nov-10 13:59:36

Not sure if the children's names are real, but if so please think about getting the thread pulled.

And great advice, definitely speak to the teacher.

tethersend Thu 18-Nov-10 14:00:13

Not sure if the children's names are real, but if so please think about getting the thread pulled.

And great advice, definitely speak to the teacher.

daisyj Thu 18-Nov-10 14:01:09

Are the children's names real? Maybe not a good idea to 'out' them here...

daisyj Thu 18-Nov-10 14:01:19

x-post!

Tikitikitembo Thu 18-Nov-10 14:04:23

Yes please pull the thread if the names are real. Please talk to the teacher. My dd has ASD and suffers from this kind of thing from time to time. It breaks our hearts. sad

MadamDeathstare Thu 18-Nov-10 14:06:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamDeathstare Thu 18-Nov-10 14:08:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShanahansRevenge Thu 18-Nov-10 14:12:25

Of course the names are not real!

fel1x Thu 18-Nov-10 14:19:04

This thread has made me really tearful!!
My DS is a similar age and has AS and it makes me feel so sad to think of this happening too him sad
You are dealing with it really well though and well done for teaching your DD better ways to react to the bullying.
Please pleaase do go and speak to the teacher though. She needs to know what is going on so she can manage the situation with the other girls better in school.

ShanahansRevenge Thu 18-Nov-10 14:19:21

The thing is that there is another child there with Autism and this child has fitted in with no bullying at all...so I feel there's no excuse...the children HAVE encountered people with different behaviour and have accepted it,the school is very inclusve and have very good provision for SN...and bullying is supposed to be non existan. Maybe because Tom's SN are less severe, he stands out more to them in some way?

I will tell the teacher today...not looking forward to it at all...I also feel that other Mothers may not have noticed their DDs behaviour as I am the only one who does not work and so I am the one who is in the yard more...or available to have the kids over after school etc. I see a bit more of how they interact perhaps.

Thank you to all...and especially those with peronal experiences...I HATE to think of this...I have spoken to Toms Mum at the gates many times and heard all her concerns..and this devestates me.

post Thu 18-Nov-10 14:22:03

You're doing a good thing. Especially if it's hard for you, what a great thing to model for your dd.

rabbitstew Thu 18-Nov-10 14:27:45

ShanahansRevenge, your post made me cry. Thank you for being brave enough to do something positive about it. I hope it results in an appropriate and sensitive response.

ShanahansRevenge Thu 18-Nov-10 14:33:55

I just wish that kids didn't do this kind of thing at all!

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