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Please help. Arkward situation which I WILL get wrong

(9 Posts)
tryingtobemarypoppins2 Sat 06-Nov-10 22:04:30

Gosh, I am really worried and not sure what to do.

DS is 3 next week. He is a lovely boy but does struggle sometimes with sharing (speech a bit poor) and we have been working REALLY hard to avoid pushing/hitting/biting etc and he is doing really well. He gets so upset and shows hugh remorse but I have got upset and embarrised at times. Anyway I am kind of dreading anything happening at his birthday as our Zero tollerance approach has been really working. Anyway with carful support he shoud be fine. (its all very normal stuff, but my expectations can be overly high my friends say! HOWEVER

a friend within our baby group has a son who is VERY VERY difficult. He lashes out, pulls hair, screams, bites, pushes and this is off the scale compared to his peers at times. Mum is lovely but doesn't punish in anyway, she distracts which occasionally works for him, but never for the victim and whilst I am supportive of her, week after week after week his behaviour is never addessed and this creates confusion for my DS and his pals.

Unfortantatly a few months ago the little boy dug his nails into the face of another boy in a scuffle and the other child was badly hurt (blood etc) it was nasty. He wasn't punished and we were all very shocked. Quiet righly the other parent went mad at my friend. This didn't really change her approach to his behavior sadly.

My DS struggles around this little boy as all that I tell him not to do, the other boy does to him, and my DS quite righly doesn't understand why X doesn't get time out etc, won't share with him etc. If my DS asks to play with X he screams in DS face, won't share etc.

Now my friend is a single mum with lots going on and I want to be supportive BUT I now feel its not fair on my DS or his pals.

The victim of his last attack is coming to DS birthday and that will cause tension. I want my DS to have a lovely afternoon but I really worry x will make things difficult.

What do I do!!

tryingtobemarypoppins2 Sat 06-Nov-10 22:29:31

Bumping for some advice

purplepidjin Sat 06-Nov-10 23:33:30

A tricky one. Not sure I have anything to add, but I'll try.

Can you explain to her that in your house, your rules apply? Then, if he is aggressive, put him in time out yourself.

If she objects, she can choose not to come. Or, if she gets in a strop about it, you don't have to let your ds play with x again.

Actually, now I've typed it that seems pretty win-win to me lol

RoseMortmain Sat 06-Nov-10 23:53:44

I think you will have to be very, very brave and go with purplepidjin's suggestion. As soon as X starts being violent, pick him up, say 'We don't hit/scratch/bite/pull hair here' and remove him, just as you would with your ds. Once he gets over the shock of the first couple of times he may well start to behave - at least for you, in your house. At 3 he does need to be learning that certain behaviours are not acceptable and will result in unfavourable consequences. If his mum won't do it then someone needs to - it takes a community to raise a child, isn't that the saying? Hopefully she may realise it's a technique that works and use it a bit herself. Or at least have the self awareness that she isn't doing what she should to curb his behaviour.

Or, if you can be even braver, ring her beforehand and gently tell her that you appreciate how hard things are for her, how you all value her friendship but her ds's behaviour is causing big problems for the rest of you and your dcs.

You're right, it's awful trying to hang on to a friendship when it causes nothing but trauma and tension for everyone else involved, especially when the other person doesn't appear to be doing anything about it.

If nothing changes then I'd say you are well within your rights to just let the friendship die. If she isn't willing to help him behave then you owe her nothing, your responsibility is your ds's well being.

diorama Sun 07-Nov-10 05:53:31

I'm afraid this is one of the ongoing parenting issues we all face with different styles and expectations of our dcs.

I have a couple of friends at the moment who are lovely people, but whose dcs are out of control. The difference though is that it has been more about trashing my house than hurting other children. Tbh it has made me invite them over much less often, but when they do come I tell the dcs if something is not ok, nicely at first as they don't know my rules, not their fault, then more firmly if they don't listen. Neither of my friends have objected, but I suspect they talk about me behind my back about it. So be it. I've found that the dcs in general behave quite well for me now - they learn fast!

If the child hurts your son, I think you should immediately say something in your house. Your son needs to see that you will stand up for him if necessary. With another child I'm not so sure, up to the mum then I would say. But equally if he damages property etc you should step in.

I wouldn't be surprised if the mother of the boy is struggling a bit and needs support. It could be nice to ask her sensitively at some point about this, however your first loyality is to your son.

tryingtobemarypoppins2 Sun 07-Nov-10 19:39:46

Thank-you all so much. Have been thinking a lot today and think that as I have adopted zero tollerance for any unwanted behaviour my son carries out it is only fair that in our home those rules apply......it's not fair on our DS if the other child gets away with the same things, so I will speak to her saying that I need her "help" to keep the house rules (and the party rules)??? Think that would be quite sensitive??? I still don't really know what to do about DS party.....I can hardly take him home if he acts out in return for anything X does, although I would in any other context...Ah!!!! I think I will have to be very active and distract lots at the party......I'll be gald when its over!

CaptainBarnacles Sun 07-Nov-10 20:02:14

I think your idea of asking her to "help" is an excellent one. You could phrase it in term of "they are all so rowdy at this age, aren't they? I have been trying this with DS and it really seems to be working. Can you help me keen an eye on them all during the party?" Then it doesn't look like you are singling out her DS, but you will get the message across.

tryingtobemarypoppins2 Sun 07-Nov-10 20:06:38

Thanks captain god this situation has been making me feel sick, glad of the support.

SkyBluePearl Sun 07-Nov-10 22:55:59

yes go with the helping her out theme and put him in time out. Act as if he was your own. I had to do this for about two years with my friends child and she really liked the support. She is aclosefriend and trusted me to be fair, suportive and consistent. Maybe talk to her first say you plan to help as she seems to be struggling - that way you don't have to worry about upsetting her at the party.

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