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related, respectful and reasonable

(16 Posts)
yawningmonster Sat 06-Nov-10 10:14:00

Ok help needed to find suitable response to ds' behaviour tonight. We try to keep any consequences related, respectful and reasonable but I need help with this one as I am so wild I'm not sure I can be reasonable and also having trouble with related.

So ds behaved appallingly at fireworks display...running off, ignoring us, being rude, a couple of meaningless tantrums, back chat you name it. He is 6. To cap it all off at the end of the night when everyone was leaving he wanted to dash through the crowd to grab a lid from some crazy string and I said no. Cue massive tantrum and attempts to dash off anyway. I had to grip him really firmly and literally drag him all the way home screaming and struggling while also trying to manage other children and a pram. He has been sent straight to bed and is now asleep.

I would have taken him home much earlier if we didn't have others that would miss out with us and yes he was tired but he was really out and out noxious and I'm not sure that anyone really enjoyed their night as a result.

So other than straight to bed (which would have happened anyway as fireworks not let off till 9.30) I am thinking all screen time to be cancelled tomorrow.

Problem is he will not get that his behaviour was unreasonable he will focus purely on "but you should have let me pick up the lid"

Is screen time cancellation related? and is it reasonable?

yawningmonster Sat 06-Nov-10 10:26:54


TheProvincialLady Sat 06-Nov-10 10:30:03

It does sound like he was up far too late. He probably was not in conrol of his actions by then.

Screen time cancellation sounds reasonable to me but you need to give him specific reasons, not just a blanket "you behaved badly."

yawningmonster Sat 06-Nov-10 10:45:52

yes he was up too late you are right...however the behaviour started at 6ish which is well before his bedtime.

We will give him specific reasons if he will stop long enough to listen to them.

Good to know it is not an unreasonable consequence though.

purplepidjin Sat 06-Nov-10 10:52:47

Echoing TheProvincialLady, make sure you're specific about the behaviour that you didn't like - and how dangerous it was. If he does it often, maybe write it down as "rules"

To turn it to a positive, maybe he could get a sticker everytime he behaves well, leading to a reward each week?

To have maximum impact, could you reward each of your other children, perhaps with sweets after lunch, for their good behaviour last night?

TheProvincialLady Sat 06-Nov-10 10:54:21

They can be a nightmare at special events can't they. Far too over excited and it can last for days afterwards. I am just slightly dreading Christmas!

purplepidjin Sat 06-Nov-10 19:36:26

TPL, I'm helping my DSis out-of-law with it this year by making fabric decorations for the tree. DNiece (5, ASD) apparently spent much of last year smashing the plastic baubles by chewing them shock. I'm both excited and terrified of spending my first Christmas with them grin

yawningmonster Sat 06-Nov-10 19:46:20

thank you for your input. He has got up this morning, yelled at me for dragging him home and then asked immediately for tv. Howling, screaming tantrum currently underway.

purplepidjin Sat 06-Nov-10 23:35:33

Yawning, keep going. You are right. You are in charge. It sounds like you're doing well

He needs to learn that his behaviour has consequences, and you are the best person to teach him.

TheProvincialLady Sun 07-Nov-10 10:11:37

Oh dear, but it was to be expected. Like PP says, he needs to see that you are in charge.

PP I share your trepidationgrin Ouch to chewing plastic baubles.

Faaamily Sun 07-Nov-10 10:14:10

Sounds like he was tired.

JiggeryPoverty Sun 07-Nov-10 10:22:51

He's knackered.

Stand firm, you are right.

I find when occasionally [hmmm] a little darling gets a bit too big for their boots, I have to say "Because I am a grown up and you are a child, and you have to do what I say because I am your mother."

And the reply to the ensuing "It's not fair!" is "yes that's right, it's dreadfully unfair and I'm terribly mean. And one day when you have your own children, you can torture them, similarly." And then you walk away, closing all available doors behind you.

purplepidjin Sun 07-Nov-10 23:22:55

My mum always said "When you're a grown up with a home of your own you can do as you damn well please."

So I did. I have 2 cats. grin

Onetoomanycornettos Sun 07-Nov-10 23:42:50

My daughter (same age) got removed from a firework display last year for running into a river specifically when told not to. She was wet and cold, so it was a shame for her to miss it, but one parent went home with her, and it kept the punishment to the same day.

I wouldn't personally apply a random TV punishment, he had no warning of it at the time, and now it feels unrelated and he's kicking off again. I would have a serious chat with him, tell him what he did was wrong and why (at 6 he's old enough), say you expect an apology, and that you can't go on with the day (going out, having treats, watching TV, whatever) til you have one. Then wait. It could be an hour or two, but he has to reflect on it and see why it's bad to run off and kick off in public.

I feel your pain, my daughter had the meltdown of all meltdowns just the other day in the street, it was mortifying. But, unless it happens all the time, or is part of a pattern, I would chalk it up to tiredness whilst still expecting an apology for it, there's no point in dragging it on for days.

yawningmonster Mon 08-Nov-10 02:41:48

Funnily enough after the initial tantrum on Sunday morning. He was lovely all day afterwards and there were no further complaints about tv etc though he did say a bit ruefully "My favourite program would be on now but I can't watch it can I??"
Onetoomany I agree that the best option was to leave and if I had had someone to stay with the others I would have.

It was unexpected he is usually pretty good out and about but his behaviour had been getting subtly worse for a while and I knew there would be a point where he would step over the line and need to be reminded that our boundaries are well and truely still in place. Just didn't expect at fireworks, he has been fine every other year and usually manages well with the odd late night or two.

yawningmonster Mon 08-Nov-10 02:43:00

btw we are in NZ (so is now Mon afternoon)

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