Sod's Law as applied to Child Rearing...add your own here!

[PussinJimmyChoos]

No-one will want to pop in for a visit when your child is playing delightfully with minimum mess. Expect lots of visitors when they are smearing sudocrem on the curtains and having toxic nappies

They will ALWAYS nap for hours when you are wide awake and in the mood to play

They will ALWAYS be wide awake when you have a stinking cold and wish to lie on sofa gasping quietly

They will never need the loo in places where the loos are clean and child friendly

They will need the loo in places where the loos are life of grime

The one time you forget the potty/the spare pants/the wipes will be the time that they poo their pants or wet themselves

Food that you have lovingly prepared from scratch will be rejected

The same food that they reject from you, they will eat with gusto at nursery/granny's/friend's house

They will always need a wee/poo just as you have got into the bath/shower

They will decide to have a lie in just when you need to be up early

[TimothyTigerTuppennyTail]

When they have pocket money to spend in ToysRUs and you want them to be quick - they take ages.

When they have pocket money to spend in ToysRUs and you've got loads of time to kill - they choose something in 10 minutes.

[SagacityNell]

They never need the loo when there is one within a 4 mile radius.

[Checkmate]

They wake up before the alarm clock until the day you don't bother setting it, when they sleep in, and you're all late to school.

[5inthebed]

You go out for the first time in months, the kids are in bed and you're dressed to kill. They will get ill when you're 5 minutes into your evening despite being fine all day.

[PussinJimmyChoos]

You plan an exciting trip to Legoland..they go and then bitch and moan so much you end up leaving early

You put them in the garden with a trowel and a water pistol, and they are happier than ever

[Tillyscoutsmum]

They wake up at 5.30 am every morning in the week (when I have to get up with them) but on a Sunday morning when its DH's turn, they sleep in until 8.30

[PussinJimmyChoos]

When you look after them all day, they play up

When DH/DP or whoever has them, they are angelic and you are met with 'I don't see why you have such a hard time when you do it'

[Galena]

As you're fitting a stairgate to your living room door they nearly launch themselves out of the patio door cos you aren't watching them. (Happened to us yesterday)

[lifeas3plus1]

When you want them in bed early, they want to stay up.

On that one night you need them to stay up late, they want to go to bed early and moan constantly because they are tired!

[CardyMow]

You can guarantee that just as you have got your older dc ready for the school run, the baby all snowsuited up, get out of the door and shut the door, that the baby will do the most toxic poo ever, and has to be taken back in to get changed, despite the fact that this will most definately make your older dc late for school!

[SparklyJules]

They repeat, word for perfect word, your favourite swearwords to Granny; yet when prompted to recite some lovely singing they learned at nursery will look at you with the blankest of blank faces.

[YunoYurbubson]

They absolutely, definitely do NOT need to go to the loo until the very second the waiter brings the food to your table. And then they need a poo.

[mathanxiety]

They will come down with a raging fever about half an hour after the doctor closes on a Friday afternoon.

[Kathyjelly]

They will refuse the homemade chicken risotto or pineapple rice pudding that they usually bolt down and then you catch them with a snail in their mouth.

[lavenderbongo]

They will repeat all the things you said in confidence to your DH/DP/BF in a very loud voice to anyone who is willing to listen.

[IvaNighSpare]

When you are having a long-deserved and much-needed nap/ soak in the bath, the DCs will ignore Daddy who is sat in the same room as them, no more than ten feet away.
Instead they will exit the living room, mount the stairs and bang loudly and repeatedly on your closed door, shattering your peace, to demand a drink/ bum-wipe / ask a pointless question. (insert here any task that could have been much more quickly and simply executed by the parent downstairs, who, consequently failed to notice the child leaving the room to go hassle you).

[seenyertoeslately]

When you carefully make them a birthday cake in the shape of a volcano (their current passion), they will burst into tears and tell you that birthday cakes are supposed to be flat on top.

[Jamiki]

SYT - oh, you poor thing, I could just see your face when DC said that!

[Jamiki]

They get a sparkling school report but at home they ignore you, fight w their siblings etc.

I said to DD7 once ' I bet your teacher doesn't have to ask you four times to do something does she?

DD: 'No"

Me: 'Why is that?'

DD: 'Because she gives me stickers'.

[PDog]

Baby will lie happily in pram while you look at clothes for them but will scream blue murder as soon as you head over to the womens section.

You will spend hours trying to teach your baby to roll over but they will wait til you have to leave them for a couple of hours and do it while you you are out.

Baby will do massive poo explosion in place with no baby change facilities and when you only 3 wipes left in the changing bag and no change of clothes.

[YunoYurbubson]

Oh syt - I'm laughing, but in a sympathetic way.

[Druzhok]

When there is no one within listening range, your 18 month old will very clearly say, 'I love Mummy'/'The sky is blue'/'God is dead', count up to 14, and use their potty a few times.

And soon as another adult approaches, they fall into a state of torpor and can summon little more than a sad 'my Mummy is a fantasist who pinches me to perform' face, whilst slowly blowing a spit bubble.

[Druzhok]

Conversely, they will then reproduce the above tricks after a day with the grandparents a few weeks later, always authenticated by at least 2 other witnesses, at which point no one remembers any previous mention and it seems impossibly churlish to remind them.

[Alicetheinvisible]

IvaNighSpare - exactly that happened on saturday, i was fuming!

They will refuse to even try something you have cooked for them, but then you see them eating mud.

They will wee/poo/vomit over themselves the minute you put on a special outfit.

You will spend a fortune in Clarks on shoes for them and they insist on wearing too small wellies.

[Psammead]

"...whilst slowly blowing a spit bubble."

That really cracked me up!

My current one - they will laugh like a drain at some inane thing you do, but the moment you try to capture it on video they just stare vacantly and spit up a little, leaving you with HOURS of video footage of you dancing with knickers on head/blowing desperate raspberries/impersonating a monkey etc etc to a thoroughly underwhelmed and somewhat frightened looking baby.