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A boy called Jaydon - A Cautionary Tale in Three Parts.

(77 Posts)
Psammead Mon 07-Jun-10 16:33:33

The Birth

The child arrived after one last great push,
The hormonal surge turned mum's mind into moosh
As she gazed at the angel with dreams and hopes laden
and whispered 'I think I will call him... Jaydon'.
The midwives all gasped, the father did groan
But too late! The boy's fate was now set in stone.
The baby did change before mum's fearful eyes
And a regional accent distorted his cries.
From his sweet little ear so soft and endearing
Emerged a cheap-looking, gold-plated earring.
Mum resolved to try with all of her might
To make sure that Jaydon turned out alright.
But her evil curse on the child was hard to forget
And her fears were confirmed whilst browsing mumset.
Lo, let us proceed in time for to see
What young Jaydon was like at the grand age of three.


Refusing the offer of free-range organic eggs
Master Jaydon would only eat sausage rolls from Greggs.
Fruit shoots were all that he would drink
And his love of TV made his poor mum's heart sink.
In the playground the other children were fearful
And would run to their mothers, angst-ridden and tearful
In case they too caught his fearful disease
and forgot how to say 'aga' in Mandarin Chinese.
His teachers knew he was a lost cause on sight
And no matter how nicely he attempted to write
Would always award him an 'F' and 'see me'
They knew he'd not get a 'decent' degree.
To exam halls they always refused him admission
As the local school board had a 'no Jaydon's' condition
No G.C.S.E.'s in this lad's future, you know
Though they gave him an honorary A.S.B.O.

Adulthood and beyond

Alone in his bedsit above a Chinese
Jaydon watches one of his three wide-screen TVs
He cruises the streets with his track-suited crew
On a never ending search for cheap special brew
No job to restrict him, he roams through the town
As his girlfriend goes shopping in her dressing gown
And despite both their parent's middle-class dreams
They wear George at Asda and eat custard creams.
It's not Jaydon's fault how he turned out, you see
But rather his name (which is somewhat chavvy)
It's a well-know fact that a collection of letters
Separates down-and-outs from their nicely-named betters.
Had Jaydon been Charles or Alex or Stan
He'd have been a doctor or rich business man
So don't pick what sounds nice in case it's taboo
And if you think that's the case, then the joke is on you.

Really, people - class is only an issue if you MAKE it an issue! Hope all mums of Jaydons out there see the funny side of this - I think it's a fine name and there were hundreds I could have chosen instead

Imarriedafrog Mon 07-Jun-10 16:36:10

Message withdrawn

atrixo Mon 07-Jun-10 17:35:00

Love it.

reikizen Mon 07-Jun-10 17:39:00

smile we have loads of Jaydons/Jaydens/Kaydens where I work. It's the new Kai.
Bloody good for you, it is a name of it's time.

kizzibear Mon 07-Jun-10 17:48:01

Lol, thats good! Where's it from?

Psammead Mon 07-Jun-10 17:54:27

I made it up :P

reikizen I don't actually have a Jaydon although I wouldn't be ashamed if I did! What I meant when I said that there were a hundred other names I could pick was names for a poem - not for my baby

I only have a DD.

MathsMadMummy Mon 07-Jun-10 18:03:10

well done psammead that's awesome

kizzibear Mon 07-Jun-10 21:26:02

wow thats great, how long did it take you?

LadyPeterWimsey Mon 07-Jun-10 21:27:51

Psammead, you are as awesome as your namesake! That's brilliant!

LadyPeterWimsey Mon 07-Jun-10 22:09:06

This is so great I'm going to bump it.

Jajas Mon 07-Jun-10 22:15:33

That is absolutely fantastic, it should be published, brilliant poem smile

chipmonkey Mon 07-Jun-10 22:34:06

Excellent Psammead!grin

StayFrosty Mon 07-Jun-10 22:52:39

love this so much.

lilmissmummy Mon 07-Jun-10 22:56:14


Cortina Tue 08-Jun-10 00:49:41

Brilliant, do you write?

Can you do something 'posh'/the other end of the spectrum: 'Araminta, a cautionary tale in three parts' or similar?

Something in the same vein as Betjeman's 'Hunter Trials'?

'It's me now I'm terribly nervous, I wonder if Smudges will shy..he's practically certain to serve as his pelham is over one eye' etc .

Psammead Tue 08-Jun-10 10:00:07

Oh gosh, I'm blushing now! Glad you like it

kizzibear I wrote it whilst BFing DD (obviously inspired by the other thread about Jaydons/Aidens etc)

Cortina I kind of write - but not for publishing. I am writing a book for DD at the moment. I hope she likes hearing it when she's old enough

I doubt I could write anything about posh names as I am not posh enough to know the stereotypes! Will give it some thought though!

I am relieved now. I expected to log on this morning and find it slammed.

MayorNaze Tue 08-Jun-10 10:04:10

lol lol lol vg grin

WowOoo Tue 08-Jun-10 10:08:01


Wish I had the time to write poems...

You should be very proud of yourself and Jaydon as am sure you are.

I like doing limericks as they're shorter and can be funny too. Wish my sons name was Bod - that rhymes with a lot. grin

WowOoo Tue 08-Jun-10 10:10:39

How about:

Farquar, he'll never go far.
He lost his inheritance in Daddy's bar.

? Double meaning there too. It's deep, man.

kveta Tue 08-Jun-10 10:16:21

that is brilliant psammead! I hope you don't mind me forwarding it to my mum - she works in a childrens hospital and will enjoy this, I'm sure!
are you the mumsnet poet laureate now?!

Psammead Tue 08-Jun-10 10:17:04

Ok, ok, what's the poshest name people can think of?

Make it a girl's name, for balance.

We've had Araminta... any more?

cravingcroissants Tue 08-Jun-10 10:18:02

Wow, that's fab!
I'd love to be able to write like that envy.

SpringHeeledJack Tue 08-Jun-10 10:21:49


FlightyButPolite Tue 08-Jun-10 10:32:08

I once taught a Persephone...

titchy Tue 08-Jun-10 10:50:41


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