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naming my DS a close similar name to by DBs baby who died.

(25 Posts)
PavlovtheForgetfulCat Fri 16-Oct-09 07:34:50

My DB and his wife lost their first baby at 6months pregnant, about 6 years ago. She was still born. Her name was Lauren.

We are considering several names for our DS due in 5 weeks and a name we love is Laurence, shortened to Laurie. Do you think this is too close to their beloved first born's name. I had not initially considered it, until I though of the female equivalent and it occured to me how close it is.

I am going to ask them, but I know they will say they are fine with it, but I don't them to be insensitive.

It is insensitive, or different enough as its for a boy?

FlamingoBingo Fri 16-Oct-09 07:37:57

Well, you could say it was in honour of Lauren, or use it as a middle name in honour of Lauren.

We did this - our favourite name was the name of my still-born half-sister and the female form of the name of my cousin who died aged 14m. We decided to use it as DD3's middle name and tell the two people we were worried about that it was also in honour of their babies, which it was in a way - it felt very right. I've recently found out that DD3 was born the same time of year as my half sister had been due.

WailingGhoshe Fri 16-Oct-09 07:40:19

I lost DD shortly after birth, DGD bears her middle name, for me it brings comfort.

Northernlurker Fri 16-Oct-09 08:09:06

I think it's different enough not to cause them pain but you are absolutely right to ask how they feel.

PavlovtheForgetfulCat Fri 16-Oct-09 14:20:44

I think I would feel a bit fraudulent saying it was in Honour of Lauren though. As although it would be honouring her, it was not why we would be doing it, and I sort of think it would do her memory a bit of an injustice if I make up a reason for why we want it, other than its because we love the name. maybe we love the name as it was her name, who knows, but the link for us was not obvious immediately and I do not want to be insincere.

ScummyMummy Fri 16-Oct-09 14:25:50

I agree with northernlurker.

busybutterfly Fri 16-Oct-09 17:38:27

I think you should forget how you feel and imagine how difficult it's going to be for them with you having a new baby around.

And yes, you absolutely should ask them and you jolly well should say it's in honour of Lauren whether you feel it or not, otherwise choose another name.

differentWitch Fri 16-Oct-09 17:48:49

you could always say what you just said PAvlov. That you love the name and feel that it would also be a lovely way to honour Lauren as well, as you liked her name when she was born.

PavlovtheForgetfulCat Fri 16-Oct-09 18:11:23

We did love her name when she was born.

busybutterfly they will not find it difficult with a newborn around. They have had 3 more children of their own since, and we have one already so they have accepted what has happened in the past.

I just don't want them to think she has been forgotten or did not mean anything to us.

Jajas Fri 16-Oct-09 18:18:04

I think it would be ok but talk it over with them. It sounds as though it happened a while ago, I was initially thinking it was a recent event so perhaps a bit too close for comfort.

Bet they do still find it hard to see a new-born though sad

PavlovtheForgetfulCat Fri 16-Oct-09 18:23:37

They find it mixed. With each baby they have had, they have been over the moon, with sadness at the loss of Lauren. My SIL says she remembers how old she would have been, when the other have been born, she celebrates her birth, carries a photo with her. I know that pain will never go away, but they have learnt to live with it.

What I don't want to do is remind them every day when they might not be ready/want to be reminded. If it was a middle name, it would be a token, that they could chose to pay attention to when they wanted to. A first name, they cannot avoid it.

I think, perhaps, we may not use it. My brother, and his wife too are quite reserved with their emotions (he is an army man), i am not sure I would get the truth about how they would both feel, i would never be sure they would not feel upset by it.

crokky Fri 16-Oct-09 18:28:20

I don't think I would use the name - I do think it is too similar and your DB and SIL will have to write birthday cards to your DC every year, etc etc.

Just think of writing in a card L-a-u-r-e-n.. they have written her name!

FlightAttendant Fri 16-Oct-09 18:33:27

Busybutterfly there's no need to sound quite so cross with Pav. She is totally sensitive to the situation as far as I can see, I am sorry if you are upset by the thread but Pavlov has approached it really well imo.

goingtohaveagoodnightssleep Fri 16-Oct-09 18:35:31

I think this is really hard.

I mc'd my fist baby at 20 weeks. He had a name which the woman I was working for always called him.
My BIL told me his name choices when my SIL was pregnant. He mentioned the name that reminded me of my baby boy, I told him that it was a name that reminded me of my lost baby. They called their baby that name. I still remember my SIL calling me and telling me he had been born and his name and I couldn't bring myself to say it for months and months as it really hurt, more so because I had told them my back story. This was despite it happening years before he was born and having two children since.

Everyone is different but it really hurt me. A variation of the name wouldn't have felt the same.

PavlovtheForgetfulCat Fri 16-Oct-09 18:44:48

Thanks Crokky - if I was being insensitive I would not have posted at all.

goingtohaveagoodnight thank you for your perspective, I value that. I do not want for them to feel that way. There are plenty of names we could pick, so we shall not pick one that has the potential to create such heartache, even if they never tell us so.

Anya4 Fri 16-Oct-09 18:53:15

I lost my second daughter shortly after birth, about 4 years ago. For me, if the similarity was acknowledged on your part, I would fine with someone in the family having a similar name . What I would fine hard is if my brother/sister chose a similar name and it wasn't acknowledged.

I say go for it, especially as its a different sex - I've also had subsequent children, and whilst that doesn't lessen the pain it means I don't only associate newborns with my child who died, but also with my other two babies that didn't.

HerHonesty Fri 16-Oct-09 18:55:03

i think you have answered your own question tbh.

if there absolutely no other names with which you could possibly call your child, then by all means use it but you have to accept that you may cause them some pain. Even if, on asking they say they are ok with it they may think you are insenstive, as may the rest of your family.

Wags Fri 16-Oct-09 18:58:02

The only other suggestion is to spell it Lawrence/Lawrie, then if they were writing the name there is a slight difference to Lauren. Just a thought.

PavlovtheForgetfulCat Fri 16-Oct-09 19:00:23

herhonesty they are my only family. Not upsetting them is very important. And there are other names we can use.

You are right, we answered our own question, but sometimes you have to go through the speaking of it, to get it out and thought about don't you?

HerHonesty Fri 16-Oct-09 19:03:45

i know what you mean!! get down to waterstones tomorrow and buy the 5000 best babies name book. that should give you plenty to choose from! good luck, not long now!

Feierabend Fri 16-Oct-09 19:25:26

I am late to the discussion but had a similar dilemma with DD2. I would have loved to give her my niece's middle name (niece died aged 2 weeks). I decided it wasn't a good idea to even ASK my brother and his wife if they would mind. I am sure it would have hurt them. So I'd say, don't do it. Good luck with the baby.

busybutterfly Sat 17-Oct-09 00:06:09

Sorry Pavlov, didn't mean to come across as a stroppy moo blush

As I think flightattendant picked up, it was a subject a bit close to home as I lost my daughter aged a month and a day. I've gone on to have 3 healthy children but it's still hard.

Luckily, DD1 was called something you don't hear too much nowadays but I'll always remember going to a playgroup with DS1 years and years later and a mum said "Oh he's lovely, what's he called?" and I told her and then asked her daughter's name. When she said it, I couldn't speak... sad

Good luck with whatever you decide.

crumpette Sat 17-Oct-09 14:27:50

I lost my DD this year aged 14 months. If anyone ever used her name, or a name even vaguely similar to her name, I would be devastated. I find it hard even hearing names that are similar on TV, and after she had died my retarded (much) younger sister wrote a story for school featuring a girl with a very similar name, asked me to read it when I visited her one weekend, and even that upset me! I know people don't own a name blabla, but I think if they didn't mind her name being used they would have used it or a variation of it already in her memory as a middle name for their own DCS. I think it's totally insensitive, sorry

Lerato Sun 18-Oct-09 16:55:12

My sister died age 5 weeks. My half brother wanted to use her name for one of his children many years later. He did ask my mum what she thought. My mum wasnt honest - she said it was ok but was actually gutted. They chose another name in the end - the relief my mum felt was immense. What I am getting at I suppose is that even if you ask them and they seem fine, it may not be the case.

jellybeans Sun 18-Oct-09 23:30:19

Hi I sadly lost 2 babies after 20 weeks and still get a little sad when I hear other people (friends/aquaintences) who have had babies and they have chosen 'my' girls names. I don't mind but it just brings back sad feelings. If it was family/close friends, it would be unbearable. I would also probably find it hard with a very simelar name even for another gender. I wouldn't do it unless you are willing to discuss it with them first.

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