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Baby surname - advice needed

(36 Posts)
Newmumoct20 Thu 19-Nov-20 19:33:50

Hi

I really need the advice from people on here as to what to do next.

Some background, me and my partner have been together 2 years, I’ve just given birth to a beautiful baby boy after an incredibly difficult pregnancy. We haven’t been getting on for months and he often threatens to leave and be nasty about me to the point most days I’m upset.

I have to register the birth and I am adamant that I want our baby to have my surname. He is furious it’s not having his but bearing in mind his threats to leave I don’t feel this is the right thing.

I want to name him as the father but know if we go together to register the birth he will kick off about the name, and like so many other things I’ll be pushed into a corner and just agree. To add, he has said several times that if we don’t work out, he will want to see baby whenever he wants and he has threatened several times to get my baby taken off me, all the more reason to register the birth alone but I feel so awful about it all.

What I do know is that if I don’t register his details on the birth certificate he will definitely leave and not speak to me again. He has also said he will make things difficult with solicitors and alike, it’s so upsetting for me in these first few weeks where I should be bonding with my son not bickering or worrying about becoming a single mum.

Any advice most welcome!

OP’s posts: |
Quercus3 Thu 19-Nov-20 19:36:55

Go without him, use your name, don't name him!

Twizbe Thu 19-Nov-20 19:40:41

Go without him, give him your name and be glad he's out of your life. Not being on the birth certificate will limit what he can do anyway

WoWsers16 Thu 19-Nov-20 19:54:05

To be fair will he be able to go at the moment with Covid - may only be allowed just one person?
Use your name xx

Bobbiepin Thu 19-Nov-20 19:55:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YoniAndGuy Thu 19-Nov-20 19:56:57

Please please please do not register the baby with him there, do not even tell him until it’s done.

You are saving a WORLD of trouble for yourself by giving the baby your name. Great.

If he isn’t on the certificate, he has no parental rights. He can ok go to court to get them if he is serious about them, but don’t hand an abusive man rights relating to you and your child by voluntarily putting him on.

Please please book it without telling him and just get it done!

YoniAndGuy Thu 19-Nov-20 20:00:13

Oh and also - block him. If he continues to harass you, go to the police. They will warn him off contacting you and tell him to get a solicitor to deal with it.

‘Make things difficult’? Well - he can’t. He can go to court to get access, the end. He CAN be prevented from harassing you. He CAN’T take the baby when he feels like and going to court is only going to backfire for him big time if he thinks he’ll get to dictate. More likely he’ll find himself put on the spot himself!

But please, first register your baby without him, then te him to keep away.

OverTheRainbow88 Thu 19-Nov-20 20:01:02

I would book it without telling him, use your surname and not put him on BC

Protect Yourself and your son.

Blossomhill4 Thu 19-Nov-20 20:01:44

Interesting! I wish I would of thought harder about giving DS his dads surname. Zee zee mills is speaking about this currently on her instagram and she makes some clear and harsh points!

Do you usually travel? Because it’s rather embarrassing when the officers in the airport are questioning you because you and your child don’t have the same surname.

Although if the mans surname would be needed to claim CSA it’s a tricky one!

Brighterthansunflowers Thu 19-Nov-20 20:09:27

Register the baby on your own with your name.

Then ditch the abusive partner

AnotherEmma Thu 19-Nov-20 20:10:54

Bobbiepin

Definitely use his name but keep in mind if you don't name him as the father you can't claim child support from him. He sounds like a dick though.

This is wrong.
You can (and should) claim child maintenance whether or not he's named on the birth certificate.

OP, it sounds as if you and your baby will be much happier and safer without this nasty man in your lives. Register the birth without him, give baby your surname, let him leave, and claim child maintenance.

No court would separate a newborn from its mother, btw, so don't worry about that.

He sounds abusive and I advise you to talk to your health visitor about the situation, call your local women's aid or the national DV helpline for advice and support.

nowishtofly Thu 19-Nov-20 20:12:36

If he hasn't married you then why would you give the child a name different to your own. If he's threatening to flounce over this then he likely will over something else - he sounds like a right charmer(!). Go and register on your own. Give the child your name. Let him walk off. Incidentally, he will not be able to get the baby taken off you and he is very unlikely to get any meaningful custody rights to a very young infant such as would allow him to see baby 'whenever he wants' when mum is around and able to provide care. Especially if you are breastfeeding he won't get any real access at all.

You'd be better off single than with this abusive person. You most likely want to try and make it work especially as you have just had baby but it's unlikely that you can make him reasonable or respectful of you,

CodenameVillanelle Thu 19-Nov-20 20:14:37

He's abusive and your relationship needs to be over regardless so definitely go alone and give your name. He can apply to be added later if he wants but he won't be able to change the surname

bumbledeedum Thu 19-Nov-20 20:19:50

Please give your baby your surname. As PP has said, travelling with your child if he has a different name is difficult enough but you will also become 'Mrs father's surname' regularly. My son has my name and so will any future children.

bumbledeedum Thu 19-Nov-20 20:20:35

Also PP is completely wrong, maintenance is nothing to be with being named on a birth certificate (or not)

CodenameVillanelle Thu 19-Nov-20 20:27:05

Bobbiepin

Definitely use his name but keep in mind if you don't name him as the father you can't claim child support from him. He sounds like a dick though.

Not true

FelicityPike Thu 19-Nov-20 20:32:19

Go alone, use your name.
If dad wants to go on the BC then he can go to court and be easily added on after a court ordered conclusive DNA test.....if he can be arsed.

Nell96 Thu 19-Nov-20 20:36:01

As pp have said - the provision of child maintenance can still be enforced by the child support agency regardless of whether or not the father is listed on the birth certificate. Register the baby with your surname, don't put your partner's name on the birth certificate and leave what sounds like a very toxic relationship. You do not want your son to be raised in an environment where his mother is treated with such little respect. Rest assured, he will not be able to take your baby away from you or see him whenever he wants. As others have said, seek support from your health visitor, local women's organizations, citizen's advice, friends and family - help is out there and you're strong enough to manage on your own.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper Thu 19-Nov-20 20:39:08

He has no intention of being a decent df. Or he would not be planning on taking it away from it's dm whenever it suited him... Register alone. Claim Cms. If he seeks legal advice he can show a judge he has your dc's best interests..

RedMarauder Thu 19-Nov-20 22:07:12

He can be furious and cause a scene when you register the birth but as you aren't married you have the final say in what you name your child. Registrars are aware of this so most are discrete in asking the mother the names of the child when parents aren't married.

If you don't take him with you to register the birth then he won't be put on the birth certificate at that time. However he can very easily get parental responsibility by going to Court, and so have the same responsibilities and associated rights as if he was on the birth certificate. Bear in mind at the moment the Family Court system gives fathers a lot of benefit of the doubt as while they leave the mother they don't leave the child (ren).

He still has to pay child maintenance regardless.

He may if he is vindictive go to Court and successfully argue before your child starts school that the child's lastname should be double barelled. Most men don't do this as they either aren't that much of an a-hole or more likely they don't know they can.

Start talking to family and friends now particularly anyone he respects who isn't themselves an a-hole who will talk to him. That way you can split up without more animosity.

indemMUND Thu 19-Nov-20 22:13:22

Please go alone and give baby your name. I speak from experience after years of hassle, you've got massive red flags going on right now. Let him take it to court. He can get himself listed as father after a DNA test but he can't change the surname. DD is desperate to get her surname changed to mine and I can't legally do it without her fathers permission. She's 8 and he's let her down badly all her life. Do the right thing by your baby. Maintenance is a separate issue if that's a worry.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll Thu 19-Nov-20 23:37:59

Tradition dictates that a baby is given the same surname as his/her mother, so tell him you're just doing it as 'standard' if you feel you need to give a reason.

Many married women take their husbands' surnames, but the baby is still named after the mother - it just works out that the father also happens to have the same surname i.e. the man gives it to the woman and the woman subsequently gives it to baby; the man doesn't give the name directly to the baby.

But leaving tradition aside, you'd be crazy to give the baby your partner's surname. If this makes him angry, calmly point out that it's much more straightforward for the baby to have the same name as the parent he's guaranteed to be living with, considering the many threats/promises to leave you both.

Your baby is a person in his own right, not a trinket owned by his father to be got out of a cupboard and shown off on the odd occasion when the whim takes him.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll Thu 19-Nov-20 23:44:19

By the way, if you're worried that he might try to register and name your baby without you, he legally cannot. Only the mother OR her husband (whether the father of the baby or not) is legally allowed to register a birth.

An unmarried father can accompany the mother IF she consents, but she will always legally have the final word on everything, should their stated wishes differ in any way.

I'm not certain, but I assume that, even in the case of a married couple going to register the birth together, the mother's word is still final, should they disagree on anything.

VenusClapTrap Fri 20-Nov-20 15:31:52

Definitely your name, and register the birth without him there. Let him leave. Even better, take control and throw him out. He upsets you every day - why would want him to stay?

Being a single mother will be far pleasanter than having the stress of this arsehole abusing you. You can focus on your beautiful baby in peace.

Grimbot Fri 20-Nov-20 15:36:20

Give the baby your name. I’d say that anyway as you aren’t married to him, regardless of the stability of the relationship. You are the baby’s mother he should have your name.

He sounds absolutely horrible. ‘Get the baby taken off you’ how on earth is he going to manage that. You can’t get a baby taken off someone like that.

Register the baby by yourself and have a serious think about whether you’d be better off as a single mum or being stuck with this unpleasant man in your life.

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