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Name Dilemma

(40 Posts)
CrackersDontMatter Wed 13-Jun-18 18:38:21

It’s very early days for us yet so this is all just hypothetical right now. If this baby is a girl, DH wants to name her after his mum. Sadly she died before we met and I absolutely support his desire to memorialise her in this way. She sounds like an amazing lady and I’m sad that if we’d met just a few months earlier I could have known her.

The problem isn’t really the name itself, it’s a pretty name I suppose and I don’t dislike it as such. It’s not something I would choose because it’s not my style. The other issue I have with the name is that it is so popular right now.

I went through school being one of four of my name in my class. I was referred to as “First name Surname” all through school. Even by friends. I was never just “first name”.

So, I suppose what I’m asking is should I just get over myself and give him what he wants? Would I be an absolute knob to try and persuade him otherwise? Would you agree to a name you’re not really keen on in these circumstances? Obviously this could all be moot, the baby could be a boy but I just can’t get my head around a name I don’t love.

CrackersDontMatter Wed 13-Jun-18 18:39:03

Just to add, I have no issue whatsoever with using it as a middle name.

HeyDolly Wed 13-Jun-18 18:55:34

I would honour his mum by using it as a middle name but pick a different first name together

Yika Wed 13-Jun-18 19:12:43

You could use it as a first name but double it up by using it always with the middle name (as if it were hyphenated) to make it more unique without in any way compromising the name itself.

Flamingosnbears Wed 13-Jun-18 19:43:43

You could have it as one of the middles you'd still be honouring her, explain how you feel I'm sure he'll see it from your perspective if you explain it the way you did in your post.

NapQueen Wed 13-Jun-18 19:46:24

I wouldnt worry about popularity - apparently Jack is most popular boys name and I know no jacks. There are none in either of my kids classes either.

What is the name?

MikeUniformMike Wed 13-Jun-18 19:48:14

Use it as a middle name.

CrackersDontMatter Wed 13-Jun-18 20:02:51

Thank you, I’m sure I’m over thinking it. I didn’t want to say the actual name as I didn’t want a lot of replies telling me how lovely it is. Like I said, I don’t particularly dislike it, I just would never choose it. I was more just wondering about opinions of using a name you’re not sure of.

It’s Lily. I feel awful, I know it’s a nice name, I’m just struggling to get on board with it. Maybe if I’d known his mum, I’d be able to connect it more with the memory of her rather than it just being a word on a page.

Actually the more I read my words here, the more I feel like I should agree. It would mean the world to him and maybe that is a good enough reason.

Chewedupcucumber Wed 13-Jun-18 20:07:16

Lily’s a lovely, lovely name.
I thought you were going to say Bertha or Donna or something!

What would be your choice, out of interest?

Personally, id say go for it. It’s a beautiful name, it’s mean the world to him, and you get first pick with the next one 😉

BangPippleGo Wed 13-Jun-18 20:07:30

Lily is beautiful and you're right, very popular - but I think it might have 'peaked' a few years ago? I know of lots of 4/5/6yo Lily's but i havent heard any new Lily's for a few years so it's entirely possible she will be the only Lily amongst her peers.

That said you both need to really love whatever name you decide on.

NapQueen Wed 13-Jun-18 20:07:54

I think Lily is popular in the classic sense rather than in the 10 a penny sense. Its a name that doesnt date. Its very easy to pair with most sibling names.

MikeUniformMike Wed 13-Jun-18 20:10:46

As it is a lovely name, I think I would use it. Is there a name you love that you could use as a middle name, maybe yours or your mum's?
Please don't use something Lily-ish like Lillian or Liliana, as that is not honouring the name.

AnnieAnoniMouser Wed 13-Jun-18 20:15:02

I think unless you love the name, you should use it as her middle name. This is your daughter you are talking about, a person in her own right...she’s not a tribute to your DH’s Mum, no matter how lovely she was. She’s your daughter, you need to love her name and she needs to be ‘herself’ not a ‘soother’ for her Dad. Sorry, that’s not worded very well, but I hope you understand what I’m saying.

I lost my Dad and I adored him, but if I had a baby boy I wouldn’t name him after my Dad because I’d want to give him the space to be ‘him’ and not trying to live up to being like or living up to his grandad...a middle name, maybe.

Proudmummy2MA Wed 13-Jun-18 20:15:38

I think it's a lovely thing to do if it's in honour of his mum, especially as it means so much to him.

For what it's worth, I've been teaching for 16 years and have only taught 3 Lilys in that time (all spelt differently - Lily, Lillie and Lilly) and there haven't been any in my son's baby groups, pre-school or school year (60 children) so the name doesn't strike me as that popular.

Chewedupcucumber Wed 13-Jun-18 20:18:12

I was always Chewedup last name, with 2 or 3 of the same name in my class. Never bothered me at all, in fact it was nice to ‘blend in’ rather than be saddled with an ‘unusual’ name, especially during akward teenaged years.


LemonBreeland Wed 13-Jun-18 20:22:39

I think it is lovely to honour somebody by using their name, but it should be as a middle name and the child should have their own name and identity.

Why is it that your DP feels the need for it to e a first name, rather than a middle name.

CrackersDontMatter Wed 13-Jun-18 20:25:48

Again, thank you for the input, it all helps. I don’t actually have a name to counter with, which makes me feel even more unreasonable (!) but I haven’t really looked yet either. Lily is a little prettier than I would go for I think but I don’t hate it. There’s plenty of time though and like I said, it could be a boy and this could all be over nothing!

MikeUniformMike Wed 13-Jun-18 20:32:29

DCs have classic but very popular first names and were always known as Firstname Surname, but the full name was perfectly fine.
Lots of famous people have common first names and are known by Firstname Surname (e.g. Kate Moss, Kate Winslet, Kate Hudson, Lily Allen, Lily James, Lily Collins, Emily Watson, Emily Blunt, Emily Mortimer)

If your surname is something run of the mill pick a middle name that stands out a bit (e.g. Sarah Jessica Parker, Jonny Lee Miller)

Your daughter will have your MIL's first name and last name. Give her a first or middle name of her own.

CrackersDontMatter Wed 13-Jun-18 20:36:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrackersDontMatter Wed 13-Jun-18 20:44:15

Sorry for another drip feed but the baby will have my surname. DH took my name for the same reasons I mentioned in my last post. and it’s very run of the mill! Sorry to be vague, I feel like I’m betraying a confidence (I’m not, but hope you understand) but at the same time I want to be honest. I may ask mn to delete the sensitive info in my last post.

I’ve said to him already that it will definitely be a part of her name. But roles reversed, he’d absolutely give me what I wanted.

EstrellaDamn Wed 13-Jun-18 20:44:48

DH wanted to name our son after his Grandad ; he would have had the same first name and surname.

I vetoed it because I didn't want him to be 'another' John Smith. I wanted him to just be able to be himself.

I'm with you, I'd go for middle name but no more. Otherwise your daughter will be the 'next' Joan Smith.

There are millions of lovely names in the world, you should feel able to choose one that you love!

ZebraKid71 Wed 13-Jun-18 20:44:55

I personally would use it as a middle name and choose a name together.

I also just wanted to say that from the way you speak about it you sound like a really lovely partner.

EstrellaDamn Wed 13-Jun-18 20:45:28

Oh crosspost, ignore my post then grin

UntilTheVeryEnd Wed 13-Jun-18 20:45:57

Love the name Lily, but if you don’t love it as a first name then compromise and have it as a middle name. Lily works well with many names so would be a great middle name.
My dad died when I was 18, his name was John. I, like your DH wanted to remember him by using his name for my son. I don’t love John as a first name, it’s too popular, so when my son was born we gave him John as a middle name. It was a nice way to memorialise my dad but not have a Boring first name.

Incidentally my DH named our daughter, announcing it before my pain meds wore off, and I really dislike it, even now, after 4 years it just doesn’t sit right with me.
You have to LOVE your child’s name otherwise you will regret it and potentially resent your DH (as I do, a tiny bit) for taking that choice away.

mysteryfairy Wed 13-Jun-18 20:48:38

It’s popular because it’s lovely. Thinking of Lilys we know there is a Lily Josephine and a Lily Francesca. Lily does lend itself to a nice long middle name and if you can choose one of those rather than having a default lily mae or lily grace perhaps you will feel more at peace with the name.

For what it’s worth my eldest DC has a top ten name after a relative. When he hears our other more unusual options he just says how relieved he is he went through school with the name he did!

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