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Reusing a name

(54 Posts)
Username0000007 Wed 08-Nov-17 13:27:38

Hello, I'd like some advice on this sensitive subject. We very sadly miscarried our ds at 18 weeks a few years back. I decided at the time of the mc to give him a name and we made an announcement on fb about the late mc.

We are now 34 weeks with another boy. We still love the name and my dh, children and I are happy to reuse it. Ever since the mc announcement we haven't used his name and I speak about him as our precious angel we lost. The name means a lot to me and I've looked at hundreds of boys names but nothing comes close.

I've only told one friend about this and her reaction was that there is no way on earth we can reuse the name, no no no no no no and that the baby needs his own name/it's weird to reuse. I was so taken a back by the reaction that I went home and cried. Now I am completely confused about what to do and am worried about what others will think.

RatRolyPoly Wed 08-Nov-17 13:31:31

Of course you can reuse it, your friend is not the boss of the world, jeez! You're the people who could have the strongest feelings about it and if it works for you then it works - end of. I could come up with a million justifications that you could roll out to any sceptics you come across but you know what? You don't need to justify yourself to anyone. So I won't.

Chaffinch4 Wed 08-Nov-17 13:31:49

I think it's fine to use the name if you and your partner are happy.

Thiswayorthatway Wed 08-Nov-17 13:33:18

Congrats OP. Use the name if you both want, totally your decision.

Username0000007 Wed 08-Nov-17 13:34:03

Thanks so much for your kind replies. I've been so worried about this and that our new ds will think it's weird/creepy when he is older.

Sugarpiehoneyeye Wed 08-Nov-17 13:34:30

Sweetheart, of course you can use your chosen name, cry no more.
It is a beautiful tribute. Don't ask the opinion of others, if if may upset you, just go ahead and name your baby, when he arrives.
I have a friend who carried her DS full term, though he didn't survive long, she gave her second Son, his name, and it was, and is, absolutely fine.💐

Username0000007 Wed 08-Nov-17 13:36:34

That's so lovely thank you. These kind responses have brought tears to my eyes.

nanight Wed 08-Nov-17 13:36:43

I'm so sorry for your loss flowers

Of course, there is no right way to grieve, but IMHO, the baby needs to be a separate entity from the little boy that you lost. Could you use it as a middle name in honour of him, rather than as the name you will call him by?

I feel like you need to be able to talk about your two children, and not have to differentiate between them - James 1 and James 2 kind of thing.

They are both important people and need their own names. I wonder how your second son would feel growing up with the name of his deceased brother? It could feel like an honour, or it could feel like something impossible to live up to.

user71017 Wed 08-Nov-17 13:40:28

My big sister died before I was born. I have her first name as my middle name. I love that I feel connected to her, especially as I sadly never got to meet her but I like that I'm "me" too.

Mysharonawoana Wed 08-Nov-17 13:40:49

This is your baby and you must choose his name. I had a similar experience losing three babies before I had my DS. We had one boy name we were happy with, and thought of each baby as that name. We used it for DS and he could never have been anything else. I think it’s your complete right to use the name you have chosen and your friend needs to get back into her box. Huge congrats on the bump and good luck with everything.

pipilangstrumpf Wed 08-Nov-17 13:44:09

I’m sorry for your loss.

Personally I feel that both boys need to be honoured separately and deserve their own name. Your second son could feel like a replacement for his lost brother otherwise.

How about including the name as a middle name?

pipilangstrumpf Wed 08-Nov-17 13:45:41

I think user71 makes a good point, from personal experience.

RatRolyPoly Wed 08-Nov-17 13:50:43

To be fair I don't think you're going to be able to predict how your son will feel about it growing up, so try not to let that affect your decision too much. He may feel funny about it, he may absolutely love it. I would advise giving him a middle name as well just so he has the choice later in life. My mum was named after one of her mum's best friends who saddly passed away. In her late teens she decided she wanted to move away from that and have her own identity, so chose to use her middle name from then on. So it's nice to give them the choice, but I think to start with you should give him the name you love smile

daisypond Wed 08-Nov-17 13:51:47

I think you need to be careful. There are so many nice names out there and I think your child should have his own name. In times gone by, reusing names was common but it's not so common nowadays. I wouldn't reuse a name, because I think it could be damaging to the child. I think a child given the name of a deceased older brother who is referred to as a precious angel will have a lot to live up to and could feel he can never compare to the first angel child and that he is only a replacement child. I think it could cause some psychological problems for him possibly in the future - it depends on the child's personality and how you refer to the first child.

MontyPants Wed 08-Nov-17 13:56:03

A friend's parents lost a son when he was a toddler. He was called Samuel. They had my friend a few years later and named her Samantha in his honour. She loves that she is part of keeping the memory of her brother alive. Could you choose something similar or use your late son's name as your newborn's middle name?

Sunisshining12 Wed 08-Nov-17 13:58:55

How about re use as a middle name as a tribute?

Migraleve Wed 08-Nov-17 14:00:27

I agree with the PPs. As a middle name this is a lovely tribute but as a first name it’s actually not such a good idea. Your DC need their own identities flowers

pipilangstrumpf Wed 08-Nov-17 14:01:29

Given how many thousands of names there are, why risk your second son possibly feeling upset by sharing his name with his deceased brother? Also, don’t you as parents like to think of your first son by his name sometimes? Good luck and sorry for your loss.

pullonyourjudgypants Wed 08-Nov-17 14:06:41

I wouldn’t, can’t you use a variation of the name ? Does sound a bit like a replacement but you are the ones that have to be ok with it and be ok to explain to your new DS in futureX

For example if the name was Robert why not Robin ?

Or use as a middle name.

We used the name of someone we lost that was very special to us as our Ds’ middle name.

Sorry for your loss

Username0000007 Wed 08-Nov-17 14:33:53

He doesn't feel to us like a replacement. We've been trying to get our new ds into our family for years but have suffered multiple miscarriages along the way. Since after ds1 was born I've known in my heart there should be another ds with us and his name is this name. This is why it's so hard for me to let go of it.

user71017 Wed 08-Nov-17 14:34:58

Don't let go of it. Have it as a middle name or a double barrel. Like if it's Jack, he could be Benjamin jack or Benjamin-jack

CotswoldStrife Wed 08-Nov-17 14:37:30

Sorry for your loss OP - no, I wouldn't reuse the name as a first name.

pullonyourjudgypants Wed 08-Nov-17 14:43:41

I didn’t mean to sound so harsh, I just think this is a new person !

What is the name ? maybe someone can suggest something similar you hadn’t thought of?

I know choosing names is hard, but babies become their names as they grow.

I liked a particular name my DH didn’t and we came up with a variation we both love.

What does your partner think ?

Username0000007 Wed 08-Nov-17 14:58:11

It's not that great as a middle name, doesn't flow that well. My dh would like to use his late dear father's name as a mn.

My dh is fine with using this name again. He chose not to see the baby after the miscarriage and he never felt comfortable with naming a lost child he didn't get to know.

user71017 Wed 08-Nov-17 15:19:30

Is it a name that shortens well like Daniel, Samuel to give him individuality

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