Using a deceased parents name

[Liadain]

Hi all,

I'm just wondering how you feel about this situation really (the name is Mary, btw). My partner suggested using the name as a memorial to my mum. She died very suddenly and unexpectedly.

I'm in two minds about it - on one hand, I think it's a lovely tribute and I would really like to honour her that way.

But on the other, it may be too much of a raw reminder of her? And I also wonder is it better to give her her own name so she can be her own person, instead of the fanily always being thinking of my mum when she's called. I'm not hugely keen on Maria/Marie etc.

All opinions welcome!

[SuperBeagle]

DS1 is named after my father who passed away when I was a child. But he doesn't have his exact name, and we wouldn't have used his actual name (for reasons other than simply being reminded of him).

DS1 is named Sam, which was my dad's nickname. His real name was David long story short, there were 6 Davids in his kinder class so they all got given unrelated nicknames and his stuck. If we hadn't gone with Sam, we would've chosen Davis, as it's similar but not exactly the same.

But it's up to you whether or not you think you'll be bothered by using the same name. If you want to name her Mary, do. If you think it would be too hard, maybe consider something similar to what I did?

[Mycarsmellsoflavender]

How about using it as a middle name? That is more in keeping with tradition: lots of parents give their children middle names after family members, deceased or alive. Mine all have a deceased grandparent's name as their middle name.

[LittleCandle]

I am called after my mother and my aunt. My aunt died just a couple of days before I was born. So my middle name is not mine. That is not a huge problem. My first name is not mine because my father insisted I be called after my mother. i loved my mother deeply but I was left in no doubt that the name was not mine. Hence, I never say 'my name ...' I say I am ... when introducing myself, or if asked I will say I am called ... because it is not my name. I would use the name as a middle name rather than the given name, but I made a point not to call my children after anyone I knew.

[Liadain]

Ah yes, if I don't use it as a first name I will use it as a middle for sure. I'm just toying with the suggestion at the moment, tbh. On one hand it seems nice but I think I'm leaning away from it - just wanted to hear some other experiences :)

[Tuesdaysun]

I wouldn't, because I do think it is nicer for the child to have their own name.

Also, Mary isn't too bad, but in my case my dad had a very Welsh name and I just don't like the sound of most Welsh names, and my mum's was one from the Shirley/Jean/Pauline era and I'm just not keen on it.

[Twistmeandturnme]

I think that Mary is a very underused name which fits well into a class of Milly, Molly, Poppy, Gracie, Daisy, Chloe etc. easy to spell, recognisable as a name. It has lots of positive attributes as a name.
The name will become your child's, rather than it always being a reminder of your Mum.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

It does sound like you would feel happier using it as a middle name.
However you choose, Mary is a beautiful name.😀

[MikeUniformMike]

It's a lovely idea, but if you're not keen you could use it as a middle name or you could use a different form of the name. I like Maria - it's pretty, shouldn't date, easy to spell and pronounce, works in other countries and so on.

[frid]

Lots of names have Mary in them, what about one of those?
Rosemary, Maryan/Marion, Maria, Miriam, Marina, Mariah, Maris

Or Marian names based on the Virgin Mary?
Soledad, Dolores, Regina, Rosario, Lourdes

[Perpetualstateofchaos]

I'd personally use it as a middle name. My db died unexpectedly before I was pregnant with ds2 so he has end 1st name as his middle name as a tribute but I wanted him to be his own person and not compared with db.

[bridgetreilly]

I think that if you choose to use it, it will become her name and other family members will quickly get used to that. I wouldn't choose a 'similar' name, because I don't see how that is honouring your mother, since it's not her name. Mary is a lovely, classic name and a sweet choice for a little girl.

But if you feel it would be too much of a reminder of your mum to bear, then a middle name is a good compromise.

[Lemondrop99]

I'd use it as a middle name rather than a first name.

[Floralnomad]

My eldest was given my deceased dads name as a middle name , it's a name that's generally hated on here and quite dated but I love it and my dad was awesome .

[MissBax]

I would use it as a middle name :)

[user1459464195]

Whilst I really like the name Mary, and would love to see it used on a child/baby, I think it's safer/better/easier to use as a middle name. That way the child gets their 'own' name whilst still remembering the deceased.

Another option though could be to use Molly or Polly?

[BunloafAndCrumpets]

My child has my late granny's name as her first name, and my late MILs name as her middle name. I love that her names are another way that she's woven into our family. Saying that, we wouldn't have used MILs name (also Mary) as a first name simply because it feels too overlapping to us. That's probably a bad way to describe it but I can't think how else to put it. Entirely a personal decision and I agree that your daughter will grow into and own her name as herself, whatever you choose.

[Soozikinzii]

Mary is a beautiful name my son has his granddads names i.e. Thomas Arthur and that's fine it's his name now ( he's 33!)

[Ninjakittysmells]

Ds has my dad name as his middle name. I love it and he loves the story behind it and says that grandad is always with him in his name.

I say go for it! Mary is beautiful too

[Bumpitup44]

My daughter's first name is Evelyn after her great grandma and great,great grandma and her middle name is Audrey after my grandma who sadly died when I was 11 and I still miss her dearly. I love that my daughter's name represents so many of the women in our family! We call her Effie for short though so that's 'her' name if you understand what I mean? A name that isn't linked to anyone.
I would say if you don't feel it's right for her first name then definitely use it as her middle name, I think it's a lovely honour xx

[Liadain]

I definitely get what you mean Bunloaf - there's a bit more of a degree of separation when it's your granny's name used, rather than your parents.

Thanks everyone! You were all great to share your thoughts. I'm not keen on the Maria etc variations tbh, they just don't recall her, for me. I think I am leaning more towards it as a middle name but will have a chat with dh and maybe my dad too.

[supersix]

My Dad died just before I had my first son. I know what you mean about it potentially being too raw to use the name...but part of me really wanted to & I was a bit torn. Ended up using his name as my baby's middle name. Now that he's old enough to understand, he loves that he has that connection with my dad, his lovely Granda that he never got to meet.

[MikeUniformMike]

Mary is a lovely name either as a first or second name. Please use it OP. There is something beautiful in keeping a memory alive. Each of my DNs has his grandfather's first name as a middle name.

[Highpeak]

DD has hubby's late mum's name as a middle name. We didn't want to use it as a first name for some of the reasons here, it wouldn't be "hers", it doesn't have shortenings or derivatives.

[LinaBo]

Like many PPs, DD also has late MIL's name as a middle name. I would've used it as a first name but felt it was not my place to suggest it, since she passed before I met DH, so I never knew her.

In your case, since it's your parent, I would have a talk with your DH and see what he thinks. It's a lovely name.

[jbee1979]

I met a Mariam recently, pronounced Mary-um, rather than Marry-am. I thought that was nice. She's only 3, so lively and happy, it really suits her.