Surnames

[lucyst87]

Hi all

I'm currently expecting my 2nd child (boy) with my partner of 3 years. I have a 5 year old boy from a previous relationship who does not see his natural father and considers my partner to be his dad (he knows he is not his natural father).
The problem I am having is I keep getting asked what surname I am giving the new baby, as my son has my surname. I changed my sons surname to mine from his natural fathers as his natural father is quite bluntly an awful person and someone who will never be in his life again due to his poor life choices.. so I didn't see it fair that my son had his surname when he wasn't in his lift anymore.
Anyway my natural choice for the new baby is to give him the surname of my partner. Marriage is on the cards for us one day so it would mean myself one day sharing the surname of my partner and youngest son and my oldest son having my maiden name still.
I keep getting comments from my parents and friends saying how it will affect my oldest son and make him feel singled out. My answer is that I never planned to have 2 children by 2 fathers and 2 children with different names but that is the reality of it. I also say that if myself and my partner are doing our job properly, my oldest son will never feel the need to question his belonging in the family, as it's just a name. I keep getting pressured to hyphenate the new baby's surname so it is similar to my oldest sons, but I just see this as a faff. Am I overthinking this? Help!

[AfunaMbatata]

Why can't you partner change his name to yours instead? It's the simplest solution.

[MadameJosephine]

I would give the new baby your name, the same as your other child. If you get married at later date and you all want the same name your partner could change his to match you all or if you decide to change your name then you could change the children's to match.

[SwedishEdith]

I'd give the 2nd child your surname as well. Give the child your partner's name as middle name if you like but I'd go for both children having the same name here. You don't have to change your name if you marry.

[lucyst87]

Well I just believe that the baby should have his fathers surname (again I only changed my sons surname to mine as he is completely out of the picture) I think it's disrespectful of me to keep the baby's name ransom almost until we get married. It's his baby too and I feel like giving him his dads surname is the right thing to do

[SwedishEdith]

Well, give the baby both your names (non-hyphenated) and use just yours day to day.

[AfunaMbatata]

What will you do if you break up in the future? Change everybody's names again?!

Much easier if the father takes your name.

[TheMysteriousJackelope]

Can your fiancé adopt your older child so that you all have the same surname on marriage?

[BewareOfDragons]

There is no 'should'. There is want and need when it comes to surnames in this country.

Do what is best for your children. The very likely means sharing a surname. Give your new baby your partner's surname as a middle name or hyphenate new baby's surname. Your partner will understand. If he doesn't, you might want to reconsider who you're tying yourself to.

[Bubbaboo2]

I agree with pp, ,could your partner adopt your son so that you can all share his surname? Maybe a conversation worth having if you haven't already :) x

[lucyst87]

Afuna mbatana- I would like to add again that the only reason I changed my sons surname from his natural fathers is due to his behavior and life choices. If he was still in his sons life and wasn't a truely awful person then I would have no problem with my son still having his surname. My partner this time is a good man and a decent human being. If we were to break up there would be no reason to change our sons name as he would still be in his life regardless.
I was thinking hyphanating would be a faff but it's looking like that's the right thing to do after all

[harrietm87]

OP do you know that children are traditionally given the mother's name, not the fathers? It's just that where the parents are married, in the past the mother's name would automatically have been the same as the fathers as she would have changed it on marriage. But traditionally where the parents were not married the child would have the mother's name. Obviously this doesn't matter now as people are free to do what they want, but it might matter to you if you're basing your decision on "tradition", because naming after the father isn't actually traditional, and just a misunderstanding.

For practical reasons it will be easier for your children to have the same name. Since your eldest already has your name it makes sense that the youngest does too. You may never marry his father and if you do you can always change their names then too. As others have said you could always give your new baby your partner's name as a middle name or double barrel but use the second (yours) day to day.

[NameChange30]

What harriet said.

I suggest that you give the child your surname by itself, with your partner's surname as a middle name, or give both your surnames as surnames, with or without a hyphen (without a hyphen is probably a bit more flexible as it makes it easier for your DC to drop one of the surnames if they prefer).

[itsbetterthanabox]

There's 2 people already in the family with your surname. Logical thing to do is give baby your name and then when you get married you partner take your surname.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

Both brothers should have the same surname, ask your DH, if he'll consider taking your surname.

[Angeldt]

My friend just picked a surname she liked (completely unconnected to anyone ) and changed everyone to that.

[user1469201971]

It sounds like your instinct is to give the new baby his father's name, so I'd do that if I were you. There'll be two people in your family with your name, and two with your partner's, and that's perfectly fine.

When you marry, you can decide then a) whether to change your name and b) whether to change your older son's name. Make that decision then, based on what feels right at the time - you don't have to sort it out now. By then your older son might have his own opinion on the matter, which you can consider or not as appropriate.

I'd also say there's no right or wrong solution here, you're right to say the situation is what it is (and what it is sounds like a lovely loving family, congratulations!) so you should do what feels right to you and don't worry what anyone else would do - which includes ignoring my opinion too!

[Gaggleofgirls]

Was in a similar situation. DD1 had my surname, we gave DD2 my surname and when we married changed both.

[howthelightgetsin]

I think you should give your child your DP's name since that's clearly what you want to do so you'd regret it if not.

PERSONALLY I would be giving the baby my surname since your first son already has that name, but then I wouldn't change my name on marriage and it seems like you definitely would. I just think from your posts it's quite clear what you want?

[FartnissEverbeans]

I would give the baby my maiden name, the same as his brother. If your current partner is such a good guy then he'll be sensitive to the situation. I think it could be a bit isolating for your DS otherwise.

I didn't take my husband's surname though.

Why is it so important to you?

[Zoflorabore]

My ds has both mine and his dad's names but mine is as an extra middle name and he has chosen to use both names and is known at school by both names.

For example ds Bob my surname Smith, his dad's surname Jones

Ds is Bob Smith Jones

It has worked for us for 14 years and was a compromise that I'm glad we had.

[NameChange30]

FWIW I don't think you should change your DS1's surname to your DP's if/when you get married. His surname has already been changed once. And I don't think you should change your surname to your DP's and give DS2 his surname too, because then your DS1 will be the odd one out.