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AIBU .. my father other OH father .. name wars

(33 Posts)
MrsWakey269 Sat 15-Apr-17 21:38:20

We are currently expecting baby no.2 at the end of June and have been having some issues choosing names. We are quite set on first names for girl and boy that isn't the issue but when it comes to a middle name for a boy the arguments begin. I lost my dad when I was 18 and we were really close and I was always my daddy's girl and my OH knows this and witnessed the bond we had for a short while before he passed. We have agreed (under some of my duress) that the name variation I had originally liked has been vetoed but now every time I mention my dads name as the middle name my OH response is 'what about my dad?' To which I respond both our children have your dads surname. OH gets defensive and shuts off and says he doesn't want to talk about it just now. AIBU to think this is a silly argument and that I am fair in what I say about surname and middle name

user1483387154 Sat 15-Apr-17 21:40:00

Why dont you use both?

MiniAlphaBravo Sat 15-Apr-17 21:40:23

I can see your point here. Could you make your dad's the first name then his dad's as middle name?

Floozy89 Sat 15-Apr-17 21:41:44

I feel it would be quite a mouthful as my nephews name is Iike this and he doesn't like having such a big name

Floozy89 Sat 15-Apr-17 21:43:07

The same argument unfortunately arises as to why my dad is first but his isn't blah blah blah .. I'm going crazy lol hoping it's a girl again at this rate xx

Sylvannas Sat 15-Apr-17 21:45:15

I've used my father's name as DS middle name. DH knows how much my father means to me and doesn't see it as a rejection of his own father. It's a shame your DH can't talk about it as it sounds like you need to have a heart to heart.

Floozy89 Sat 15-Apr-17 21:53:52

Exactly how I feel Slyvannas .. his family just don't work that way. They aren't very open about things and live by an old fashioned rule of the parents should always be obeyed regardless of weather its right or not which is why I don't always see eye-to-eye with them as my family is not that way at all polar opposites. OH has no problem being open with my family though and always seems much more relaxed with my family than his own sometimes. But that is another issue xx

HeddaGarbled Sat 15-Apr-17 21:57:18

I think these are two separate issues. You made the decision to give your children your partner's surname. Yes, it's his dad's name as well but that isn't why you've given them that name so you aren't honouring or pleasing his dad by choosing the surname.

Using your dad's first name is a completely different thing. I understand why you want to but I also understand why your partner is concerned about how his own dad might feel.

So, look at all the alternatives:

Both grandfathers' first names included
Use your own/your dad's surname
Don't use any family names, just choose names you both like

motheroftwojedi Sat 15-Apr-17 22:02:20

We had a similar issue and in the end we just gave DS two middle names (my Dad and DH's dads names) It's not really what I would have chosen because the surname is my FiLs name but actually now my son is older he loves the fact he has both his GF names as his middle name.

seven201 Sat 15-Apr-17 22:13:33

Is your DH's dad still alive? My mum is dead and I asked told my dh that we would be using my mum's first name as dad's middle name. If he'd have hated the name then it would have been up for debate but his mum is still alive so it didn't even occur to us me at least to think about using it. Your dad's name trumps his dad's in my view!

SuperBeagle Sat 15-Apr-17 22:14:03

DH and I agreed that we wouldn't use the names of anyone currently living in our families. Otherwise, if you use one family name, you feel pressured to use others etc.

So the only name we've chosen to use that's a family name is the name of my dad who passed years ago.

If you can't work out an agreement that's like that, it seems you'll either have to find a way to honour both sides, or choose not to honour either.

seven201 Sat 15-Apr-17 22:14:18

Bloody autocorrect. Dd not dad in places!

Floozy89 Sat 15-Apr-17 22:18:58

I see where ur coming from and can also see why my OH feels about it and if I'm honest I think I'm trying to keep control as OH parents and sisters have developed a habit of renaming our DD and keep double barrelling her name as her middle name is his mums family middle name and after numerous conversations about not doing it cos that's not DD name they all argue and say if it isn't then we shouldn't of called her that and I just don't want it to happen again with baby no.2. God I sound pathetic.. it's impossible to keep everyone happy confused

Floozy89 Sat 15-Apr-17 22:22:32

Yes DH father is still alive. I am under the impression though from my FIL that if baby is a boy (also 1st male grandchild on OH side) that he would be happy that he had a boy to carry on his family name as that's how my dad would have been.

Floozy89 Sat 15-Apr-17 22:25:58

I can see myself unfortunately giving in and striking both names from the list as to not cause upset with OH, MIL and FIL but upsetting my own mum and myself at the same time. I have even tried to think of ways to twist and turn my dads name but it just isn't possible. My dads name is Malcolm if anyone can suggest anything.

SomethingBorrowed Sat 15-Apr-17 22:27:10

Too middle names might be a good suggestion.
I really understand your position so YANBU for me

CocoLoco87 Sat 15-Apr-17 22:29:51

Floozy89 and Mrswakey are the same person??

buttercup54321 Sun 16-Apr-17 00:12:59

Two middle names.

MauvaiseFemme Sun 16-Apr-17 08:43:35

I think yanbu. My mum is dead and I want to give my dc her first name as a middle name if it's a girl. I've said that we can use dh's grandad's name if it's a boy and won't be kicking up a fuss that my dad's name isn't at all included. I respect that my dh wants to honour to grandad as they were very close.

The way I see it is that living relatives are far luckier to be alive and get to have a relationship with their dgc. For me a name choice is recognition to the person who is dead and putting both names in detracts from that.

PaperdollCartoon Sun 16-Apr-17 08:47:03

I have two middle names - my two grandmothers, my brother has the two grandfathers. Yes it's all quite long (both my middle names are also unusual) but I actually like having something a) meaningful and b) different to the Rose or Louise everyone else my age has. Just use both names.

Floozy89 Sun 16-Apr-17 09:31:38

Yes same person just changed my username x

StinkPickle Sun 16-Apr-17 09:39:11

All 3 of our children had my husbands surname with the agreement that their middle names were from MY side of the family.

If your boyfriend wants his dads middle name then you should use YOUR surname.

Floozy89 Sun 16-Apr-17 09:39:39

Thanks everyone. I think im gna have to bite the bullet and have an uncomfortable conversation with my DH and work out what is best. TBH we had a similar situation when choosing our DD name and settled on an abbreviation of my mums family name Elizabeth (Elsie) and used his mums family name Ann as middle so she still had family connections (even though MIL insists on double barrel even when told.its not a double barrelled name just to use her middle name i think) but also her own name and i think thats what im.looking for 2nd time round. .. i have slight in-law issues grinblush

Montsti Sun 16-Apr-17 09:50:53

Use both of them but put your dads name first.

Luckily for us, my dad and my father-in-law have the same name so we used that as DS 2nd middle name after another name I liked but not family-related...

emilybrontescorset Sun 16-Apr-17 10:03:05

I think after reading your update that you should stick to Malcolm as a middle name.
Your in law's house ace bad their chance to choose baby names.
I imagine if you use file name then they will refer to, your child as firstname_filsname and you will be forever correcting them.
I don't believe in choosing a name just because a living relative gas that name, I know lots of adults who are, embarrassed when parents have done this.

We didn't go with our first choice name for dd1 due to fil poisoning dh about the name. After that we didn't tell in law's any of our intentions.

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