Falling out over surname

(30 Posts)
kath1987 Fri 25-Nov-16 18:11:59

I currently have a 4year old who has my surname as the dad was a waste of space. I met my current partner 2+ years ago and whenever kids came up I said I would never want my children to have different surnames and he said he totally agreed. As soon as I found out I was pregnant with current baby he changed his mind and wants the baby to have his name. His argument is that I already have one child with my name so it's unfair to him for this child to be different to him. We go round and round in circles and he wears me out with all the arguing over it so I give in. I only have 6weeks left and I don't want it ruining the end of my pregnancy. I even considered going to register the baby by myself as we aren't married but I know that would possibly end our relationship

cheweduprope Fri 25-Nov-16 18:12:58

Relationships are about compromise. How about you both do that and double barrel the surname.

kath1987 Fri 25-Nov-16 18:16:08

We both have really long surnames so I'm not really a fan of that idea

cheweduprope Fri 25-Nov-16 18:18:33

Well, like I said, one or both of you will have to compromise. Why do you think that he should and you shouldn't?

Aderyn2016 Fri 25-Nov-16 18:21:17

To put it bluntly, you could split up with this man tomorrow - him changing the goalposts from what he previously agreed to is not a positive indicator of long term happiness imo. You have a good reason for wanting the baby to have your name, he knew and agreed, so stick to what you want.
He isn't your husband, it isn't his choice. If he would end the relationship over this then he isn't the man for you and you would regret giving in to something that doesn't sit easily with you ( for a good reason).

ImYourMama Fri 25-Nov-16 18:22:58

Give the baby your surname, his pride needs to give way to the practicality of 2 children having the same surname!

Cucumber5 Fri 25-Nov-16 18:23:27

Does it matter that they are both long winded surnames. Why not be double barrelled

CalleighDoodle Fri 25-Nov-16 18:23:41

Stick to having your surname. Youre not married. If he was that bothered, and assuming you would change your name in marriage, he should have put a ring on it.

stitchglitched Fri 25-Nov-16 18:27:04

Give the baby your surname, you will regret it if you don't. You made an agreement, he is trying to move the goalposts but he actually has no rights here, you get to make the decision. Personally I think you'd be mad to give your baby a name that neither you or the baby's sibling share.

NotAUserNumberSoNotATroll Fri 25-Nov-16 18:28:41

If you're not married baby will be "Baby your surname" in hospital despite what he may want.....he could always change his surname to yours!

Ibelieve123 Fri 25-Nov-16 18:40:48

I have had this same argument with my partner. My children have his surname so I'm the only one in our house with my name. Marriage is never gonna happen for us as he doesn't belive in it so I will always have a different name to my kids which I hate but he thinks isn't a big deal. When i mentioned that if we were to have another child I would want it to have my surname he didn't like it at all.
Deep down I wouldn't do it as I think it's more important that all the sibling's have the same name.
I really hope you can reach a compromise op double barrelled seems the ideal way to please both of you

MrsBobDylan Fri 25-Nov-16 18:49:17

My kids have an enormous double-barrelled name and it's fine. DH and I are happy if any of them want to drop one of the names when they reach 18 but for now, dh and I both keep our names and see them reflected in our kids names.

I do think your dp has been underhand by changing his mind and as a result, you should make the decision which best suits you.

You could give your dp's surname as a middle name?

ThroughThickAndThin01 Fri 25-Nov-16 18:54:16

It has to be both names. Give the new baby a short first name for balance.

llangennith Fri 25-Nov-16 19:00:32

As you're not married and your other DC has your surname then new baby gets your surname too. Makes sense. It the relationship is that fragile that he might leave it the baby doesn't have his surname then that's another good reason for baby having your surname.

Pemba Fri 25-Nov-16 19:14:10

If he doesn't want to get married then I think it's tough on him. It would obviously cause complications for you for the new baby to have a different surname from you and his/her sibling.

cheweduprope Fri 25-Nov-16 19:20:04

OP said they're not married, not "he doesn't want to get married", as if he's refusing or something. Lots of people decide together not to get married. Registering him with your name behind his back/against his wishes is a significant betrayal of trust and would OBVIOUSLY damage the relationship.

This thread is very biased towards the woman's point of view. If the situation was reversed, people would be losing their minds.

cheweduprope Fri 25-Nov-16 19:22:06

If the relationship is that fragile that he might leave it the baby doesn't have his surname then that's another good reason for baby having your surname

Again, the OP never said that. People need to read threads more carefully. What she said was that it could possibly end the relationship if she went to register him alone (aka behind his back). Which is a fair thing to assume, since she'd be hugely betraying his trust.

NoSuchThingAsThePerfectParent Fri 25-Nov-16 19:25:29

I'd say always keep your name. You're legally entitled to, he is isn't. But if you use his name and ask him to change it your yours if you split up, he will never agree to change it and he's legally entitled to say no.

Why should you not share the name of the child you've carried? Nope. Not a big fan of that.

wetcardboard Sat 26-Nov-16 02:43:51

"His argument is that I already have one child with my name so it's unfair to him for this child to be different to him"

hmm That's ... not how adult life works.

The baby should have your surname, because this is what he originally agreed to, and furthermore, you carried it. You will birth it. You will most likely be the primary caregiver, and if you split up and the child has his surname, you won't be able to change it to yours and other DC's, without his consent, which you know he will never give.

bridgetoc Sat 26-Nov-16 02:46:49

There is some real man haters on this thread.... .grin

Underthemoonlight Sat 26-Nov-16 02:50:01

Please give the baby your surname, I let my ex wear me down to give DS his surname and I can't change it.

kittylh Sun 27-Nov-16 14:03:08

I really despise the whole 'You carried the baby, not him. You gave birth, not him.' argument. I mean, it's not like that's his choice!

EwanWhosearmy Sun 27-Nov-16 14:14:12

If you give the baby your name and you later marry, you can change its name then if you want to.

If you give the baby his name you can't change it ever without his permission.

Using yours gives you more options.

cheweduprope Sun 27-Nov-16 14:59:10

I really despise the whole 'You carried the baby, not him. You gave birth, not him.' argument. I mean, it's not like that's his choice

Exactly. And it seems only to apply when the woman stands to benefit from it. Otherwise, it's all "it takes two to tango".

TheHiphopopotamus Sun 27-Nov-16 15:37:49

Marriage is never gonna happen for us as he doesn't belive in it so I will always have a different name to my kids which I hate but he thinks isn't a big deal

I know this isn't the OP but ibelieve of course it isn't a big deal for him, as he has the same name as his kids.

There's no way I would have given my kids my partners surname if there was no chance of us getting married. OP, stick to your guns.

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