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Am I stepping over a line using a name for my baby that my sister in law has asked me not to ?!

(190 Posts)
fayemumtofive Tue 09-Aug-16 19:39:30

Evening all,
I'm looking for some advise; I'm heavily pregnant and my sister in law (who isn't trying to get pregnant & isn't really 100% if she even wants to/ will have any children in the future)..
has asked me not to use a name, as it is the name of her new (18months) partner's dead parent :-| And they've discussed that they would use it if they ever had a child of this sex in the future.

However its the only name my partner and i both agree that we like!
It has been on our name list since we first started having children 10 years ago, but haven't had the opportunity to use it until now.

She does live in the same town as us, though i wouldn't be phased if she then used the same name at a later date..
Am i being unreasonable?? And if you do think i could go ahead and use it should i forewarn her before the birth announcement ? I am concerned if i do she may try and persuade my partner not to use it and then we'd be back to having no name we can agree on despite it being a long standing favourite of ours :-/
Thanks in advance ! smile

NapQueen Tue 09-Aug-16 19:40:44

I would use it.

What's your partners opinion (assuming he is her brother)?

Goingtobeawesome Tue 09-Aug-16 19:41:08

It would be mean to use it

MaudGonneMad Tue 09-Aug-16 19:41:14

I think you would be unreasonable, yes, given that she's specifically asked you not to.

Dandelionandfizz Tue 09-Aug-16 19:42:17

I wouldn't use it.

DreamingOfADifferentMe Tue 09-Aug-16 19:42:46

Ooooh tricky one. Ultimately noone owns a name or has the power to forbid someone else from using it, and usually I'd be the first to say tough on her, but I can''t help but think that because the name is that of a dead parent, it's less black and white, or at least it is for me.

Do you love it desperately and nothing else comes close? Have you always wanted to call a child this particular name?

The only worry is that of course, she and her partner may not last the course and you'll have missed out on a lovely name for no reason.

biscuitkumquat Tue 09-Aug-16 19:42:47

I think if you'd already decided, then it would be fine to use it.

But, I would have a conversation with her now, just letting her know that you'd already decided & were going to use it.

EDisFunny Tue 09-Aug-16 19:42:58

I don't think she has any right to ask you to not use a specific name.

HaPPy8 Tue 09-Aug-16 19:43:22

I think it would be cruel to use it sorry.

BoGrainger Tue 09-Aug-16 19:43:53

Why didn't you just tell her about it being on your list as soon as she told you? Then it would've been out in the open

needanewjob Tue 09-Aug-16 19:43:59

I wouldn't use it as the reason they want to use it is for a very sentimental reason...this is her partners (dead) parents name....I think you would look incredibly unreasonable and a but spiteful if you now used it

eurochick Tue 09-Aug-16 19:44:36

There are thousands of names to choose from. You would be insensitive to use this one.

Stinkadoodle Tue 09-Aug-16 19:44:38

I would use it. They may never have a child of that sex anyway. They could use it as a middle name couldn't they?
Don't warn them, just announce it after the birth. You may change your mind too?

Graceflorrick Tue 09-Aug-16 19:44:59

You'd be very unreasonable to use it.

BoGrainger Tue 09-Aug-16 19:45:22

Actually I can't believe you would let her find out from the birth announcement! Def U

Lilmisskittykat Tue 09-Aug-16 19:45:39

I don't think I could. Just seems mean and wrong ...

HainaultViaNewburyPark Tue 09-Aug-16 19:46:22

I think you should use it. You'll regret it if you don't. Especially as you've liked it for so long.

Besides there is no certainty that she'll ever use the name (as this relies on her deciding to have children, having a child of the appropriate sex, having that child with her current partner, still liking the name, etc.)

ToffeeForEveryone Tue 09-Aug-16 19:47:12

This is tough, depends in part on whether their relationship is likely to go the distance and how strongly SIL feels about it. DS is named after DH's father who passed away when he was a child, it meant a lot to both of us to use that name and rightly or wrongly I would have been very upset if my Dsis had called my nephew the same name before DS got here!

I think you need to have a conversation with SIL. YANBU that there is no calling "dibs", but it could save you headaches later on. Could you have it as a middle name and use it as the given name? e.g. call baby Emma Alice and call her Alice in day to day?

Stinkadoodle Tue 09-Aug-16 19:47:36

I don't think it is mean or insensitive or spiteful to use it. The sil might not even end up with this bloke anyway.

HoneyDragon Tue 09-Aug-16 19:48:04

I think you need to,askwhatbherbobjections are to both children having that name?

She's not pg, not planning children, may not even be with her current Dp when she does.

I'm assuming that you picked the name ten years ago and are having the correct sex baby for it.

In which case it's a fair enough choice.

HoneyDragon Tue 09-Aug-16 19:48:51

I missed the really quite large space bar twice, sorry blush

Andbabymakesthree Tue 09-Aug-16 19:49:52

Unless you said immediately that's the name we've already agreed on and do plan to use it as soon as she told you then YABvU

Sooverthis Tue 09-Aug-16 19:50:15

I think it would be cruel to use it

TeaBelle Tue 09-Aug-16 19:51:31

Yea, definitely unreasonable to.use it these circumstances.

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes Tue 09-Aug-16 19:52:25

It's been on your list for 10 years...

Use it. It's a no brainer.

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