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Is it silly to give my children different surnames, when from the same Father?!

(55 Posts)
clashofclanswidow Sun 07-Feb-16 20:53:20

Would like opinions I just don't know anymore!

Long story short, I'm 25 weeks pregnant and ex left me for someone else 4 weeks ago. We already have a two year old together, who has his surname.

I wanted my kids to have the same surnames, even after we split as seemed like common sense but recently things have been getting worse...

He has left me in a lot of financial trouble with no offer to help, has already blobbed on seeing our 2yo and ended up out with her...and he never ask after the wellbeing of his unborn baby (despite witnessing me having breakdowns)

I think the final straw came tonight. I have asked him for our scan pictures back last week and tonight, got told he didn't know where they were as his bedroom was a mess?!

It sounds to me like they've just been thrown somewhere and if his actions didn't already demonstrate this, I can't help feeling like he doesn't give a toss about this baby at all. He's already admitted to not bonding with her.

My family have asked me to reconsider giving my baby his name and now I am seriously debating this myself but is it silly to have two kids to the same man but give them different surnames?!

I just feel like when she is born, he won't be around much anyway.

Obviously there is still a lot of tension, so I don't want to make any rash decisions and there is still plenty of time to decide but going on what I've said...wwyd? TIA xx

VerBot Sun 07-Feb-16 21:01:24

I would personally make sure that both the siblings have the same surname, they are only 2 years apart and I think they will appreciate it when they are older/at school. Is it possible that you could change your older child's surname?

Finallyonboard Sun 07-Feb-16 21:01:59

I'd be trying to compromise with your ex. If he'll agree now to your older child legally using both surnames or you'll only register your youngest with your name. It's in their interest to have the same surname IMO.

cornwallsharon Sun 07-Feb-16 21:04:49

Firstly I'm very sorry for your situation. I would be tempted to investigate changing your eldest child's surname so all 3 of you have the same name. They are so young they won't notice - however I'm not sure what the legal position is and if you can do that without your ex's consent. Hope all works out.

MyBigFatGreekYoghurt Sun 07-Feb-16 21:06:41

Change your eldest childs surname if possible but DEFINITELY give new baby your name.

clashofclanswidow Sun 07-Feb-16 21:07:42

No, I think he would argue with me over changing eldests surname, so that's not a can of worms I want to open.

I know it will be beneficial for the kids too to have the same. They will be biological siblings after all - it doesn't make sense not to I suppose.

The sensible part of me is saying..."just let them have his surname, it's only a name not an attachment" but the angry/hurt part of me is going "...hell no. You stand your ground!".

Hard when everyone around you thinks he is not deserving of it but I would have to deal with two different names for their entire life. Grrr - so frustrated by this crap!

Fourormore Sun 07-Feb-16 21:09:22

How would you explain to the children (when they're old enough) about having different names?
I think in your shoes I'd seek permission from your ex to double barrel the names. You could possibly get a court order for a double barrelled name showing both yours and exes name if your ex refused to agree.

RudeElf Sun 07-Feb-16 21:10:04

Can you double barrel the eldests and then give the baby the double barrel?

RudeElf Sun 07-Feb-16 21:10:15


RudeElf Sun 07-Feb-16 21:10:56

Is your Ex on the eldest's birth certificate?

RudeElf Sun 07-Feb-16 21:13:11

You could just start calling the eldest by your surname. Put the name as double barrelled so he/she becomes known as that name or even just your surname. I keep hearing on MN that "you can call yourself whatever you want" i think as long as it isnt to defraud.

hownottofuckup Sun 07-Feb-16 21:13:13

I decided to give new baby my surname, older DC although officially his surname can go by yours, so when DD starts school just let them know she goes by your surname.
My friend did this, she was know as 'Jane jones' but when she was called at the Dr's on was 'Jane Brown'.
I think new baby can only have the father's surname if he comes to register the birth with you, or if you are married.
So sorry your going through such a hard time, chin up smile it's more common than you think flowers

BikeRunSki Sun 07-Feb-16 21:15:41

Can your eldest not keep the father's surname officially but be "known as" your surname?

I was all set to say "don't be so daft" to the original Q, but I do see your point. I think the solution lies in both children using your surname though.

stitch10yearson Sun 07-Feb-16 21:16:31

a name denotes where a person comes from. Your dc both come from the same DNA, his. No matter how much of a twat he is, that is a fact that cant be changed.

TrinityForce Sun 07-Feb-16 21:16:53

Give new baby your surname, change 2yo's surname asap.

Shit situation, what a tosser he sounds.

RudeElf Sun 07-Feb-16 21:17:57

Bollocks does it stitch

Both children also have OP's DNA too!

MyBigFatGreekYoghurt Sun 07-Feb-16 21:18:01

Keep your eldest child with EXs surnme on passport but as everyone else said "known as" your surname. When elder child is older they can consent to a proper deed poll change even without EX's consent.

Your children need your surname - your family is right

clashofclanswidow Sun 07-Feb-16 21:18:19

He is on her birth certificate yes.

Sadly double barreling the surnames isn't really a route I want to go down either, as our names sound terrible together and have been the butt of many a joke!

I don't think I have much choice here really but to do what is best for the kids and just put up with it.

I think I've made this thread a bit redundant now, oops. I just needed to vent again because I so angry at how uncaring he is but I suppose just because they have his name, doesn't mean anything by it xx

MyBigFatGreekYoghurt Sun 07-Feb-16 21:18:34

what the actual fuck, stitch??

Her children came from HER

Shemozzle Sun 07-Feb-16 21:21:23

I would give new baby your surname, and change eldests to yours too. Doesn't have to be an immediate change, she won't notice the surname difference yet.

clashofclanswidow Sun 07-Feb-16 21:22:15

Oh a "known as" name! That's something I never thought of!

And yes, I suppose it never crossed my mind he might not show up to register her birth!

He would though I'm guessing. Just to try point out she was still his! xx

RudeElf Sun 07-Feb-16 21:24:06

Op if eldest is only two chances are they wont be aware what their surname is yet. Now is the perfect time before school starts to start letting her/him be known as your surname. You dont even have to get permission to do that or have their surname changed officially. You can just start calling them "toddler yoursurname."

Shemozzle Sun 07-Feb-16 21:26:05

He has had an affair while you are pregnant and left you and both children for her. I'm horrified you are even considering letting him have his surname on the birth certificate. Why are you trying to be amicable with such a pig? Your name, and don't worry about dd1 for now. She won't start school for at least 2 years. By then your ex might not have any contact with her at all. Hers doesn't need changing immediately so you don't need to have that argument just yet.

RudeElf Sun 07-Feb-16 21:26:20

Am i right in thinking a father doesnt have to be present to be named as father on the birth certificate or is that only for married couples?

clashofclanswidow Sun 07-Feb-16 21:26:31

And would I also do this with new baby?!

Give her his last name officially but have them both known as mine? Wow this got confusing! xx

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