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AIBU to consider this name?

(60 Posts)
HamFace Thu 11-Jun-15 18:39:37

Too wimpy to post in actual AIBU but...

DH and I are really struggling to agree on a name for our very soon to arrive DS.

We have one name that we both really like - goes well with our surname and chosen middle name.- top 20ish name but not overly used where we live...all great...except...
A good friend of mine called her DS this who was still born at 24weeks gestation. I've tentatively brought it up with her & she said about how she has no ownership of the name & although she may feel sad it could be sort of nice. But I really don't know if she is just being nice!! confused I would really hate to upset her & her family, and worry that our mutual friends might think I was a bit of a dick choosing the same name. But I really really like it! I really don't know what to do 😔 so oh wise mumsnet - be brutal...would it be ok and almost 'in honour of' or is it a total no go?

Lady84 Thu 11-Jun-15 19:40:09

We had a good friend who had been through this awfulness and DH kept saying that he really likes the name they had but I just didn't feel we could do it- it would make them too sad.

How about using it as the Middle name?

HamFace Thu 11-Jun-15 19:50:08

We already have a middle name as DH has a 'family name' that gets passed down. It's so hard. I wish we could just find another name we loved as much. �� thankyou for replying

TattieHowkerz Thu 11-Jun-15 19:51:34

Would you use the name if her child had lived?

Paddingtonthebear Thu 11-Jun-15 19:53:01

I wouldn't

Redglitter Thu 11-Jun-15 19:53:35

I wouldn't. I think it would be very unfair. Every time your friend sees your son it's going to hammer home her loss. If it's fairly recent she's also going to be faced with your son reaching milestones at a similar age as her son would have. Using his name will I'd think make a hard situation even worse.

Could you keep it in reserve incase you have another wee boy in the future?

For this one I'd say definitely find another name

lilivonshtupp Thu 11-Jun-15 19:53:41

No one owns a name, and your friend has been really sweet about this, but I think I'd find it a tiny bit dickish of someone to choose the name in these circumstances.

Why start a baby's life with baggage already attached to the name? I wouldn't touch it with a bargepole.

Shadow1986 Thu 11-Jun-15 19:54:11

No I couldn't do this. Sorry.

BagsyThisName Thu 11-Jun-15 19:54:17

My friend had a late miscarriage and couldn't even look at our colleague who had an older child with this name.

If I was in your place I wouldn't, there often are lots of reasons why we cant pick the names we like.

Wishful80smontage Thu 11-Jun-15 19:54:59

No I would either I'm sorry it would be a no go for me

SylvaniansAtEase Thu 11-Jun-15 19:55:28

Don't. I think you would regret it... which would be truly terrible if it were then your baby's name. Don't go there.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom Thu 11-Jun-15 19:56:27

Your friend is being very kind

No. Don't. Every 'first steps' Facebook photo. Every Christmas card signed love Emma, Dan and Jack. You don't think those will make her life just a bit harder?

HoggleHoggle Thu 11-Jun-15 19:56:36

Definitely not, sorry.

TheAuthoress Thu 11-Jun-15 19:56:44

No, I don't think you should.

SmokyRobinson Thu 11-Jun-15 19:56:53

No, I wouldn't use it.

It will always have the connection with your friends extreme sadness , which wouldn't be fair to both her and you LO

lilivonshtupp Thu 11-Jun-15 19:57:07

BTW - I think you have to listen to the first part of what she said, which is that this would make you sad. I genuinely feel that she added that it sort of might be nice so she didn't feel like a horrible person in case you went through with it anyway.

LeChien Thu 11-Jun-15 19:57:22

I wouldn't. Of course no-one owns a name, but this would be very insensitive for your friend, no matter how lovely she's being about it.

Orangeisthenewbanana Thu 11-Jun-15 19:57:29

You have been lovely to ask your friend, and she has been lovely back but I think it would be really hard for her and her DP long term to constantly see/hear the name of the child they tragically lost. Sorry.

TopCivilServant Thu 11-Jun-15 19:57:59

I wouldn't either, sorry

HeffaLumpers Thu 11-Jun-15 19:58:00

No, I couldn't do that to her. It isn't fair. Find another name

ScrambledEggAndToast Thu 11-Jun-15 19:58:06

I couldn't bring myself to choose that name when there are so many others to choose from.

HamFace Thu 11-Jun-15 19:58:37

I've been trying to think of that and yes, I think we would have as it is quite a popular name - so it's not 'stealing the name' so much as I don't want her to be sad seeing me with my DS & almost rubbing it in with the same name! She went on to have another DD who is 1 now so we will be meeting up for lunches etc with babies

chairmeoh Thu 11-Jun-15 19:59:43

I wouldn't do it. Are there any similar names?

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom Thu 11-Jun-15 20:00:34

It isn't the same as sharing a popular name with a surviving child though. That isn't causing a grieving family extra pain.

BikeRunSki Thu 11-Jun-15 20:03:18

I wouldn't. I've been in almost the same situation When I was expecting dc2 dh said he'd like to give it his grandfather's name if it was a boy. A few weeks later a friend of ours had her second baby at 24 weeks and gave him this name. Three weeks later he died. The family in question live in our village and their dc1 is the same age as our dc1, so we knew they'd be at school together, and I'd see the parents often. We decided then that we would only use the name with their blessing, having explained why it was meaningful to us.
In the end dc2 was a girl!

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