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Surname dilemma !!?

(17 Posts)
Ditsydo Tue 06-Jan-15 11:50:51

Ok so to cut a long story short my DPs family have never been fond of me and since falling pregnant have made it very clear. They on a whole think they are a large well known family and think it is somewhat of a privilege to be part of it. When unfortunately things came to a blow a few weeks back lots of personal abuse was hurled at myself (currently 36weeks pregnant) and after long lengths of sobbing and alone thinking I am now 70% sure I do not want to give my DD their surname. Don't get me wrong I am very traditional and would always what my children to have their fathers last name but to be labelled in this small town with their last name after so much abuse has been hurled at me I would feel like a hypocrite !!!

Please help !!confused

loislines Tue 06-Jan-15 14:01:10

Can you use one of the surnames as a middle name?

squoosh Tue 06-Jan-15 14:02:23

Give the baby your surname.

Where is your DP in all this? Do you see yourself with him for the long-term despite his family?

Personally I never understand why so many women automatically give their child the father's name instead of their name or both names.

Deerhound Tue 06-Jan-15 14:15:13

I replied to a separate post but it seems to have disappeared.

If you are not married then my assumption would be that she would take your surname.

What is your Dp's view on this (I'm assuming that he is a lot nicer than the rest of his family)? It is your and his opinion that matter, no one else's.

ProcrastIWillFinishThisLater Tue 06-Jan-15 14:21:22

Mine only have dh's name because I took it when I got married - so in effect they have my name. If I wasn't married, they'd have my name, no question. I don't understand why so many women give their dc the dad's surname and not theirs.

confused79 Tue 06-Jan-15 14:26:04

I would give your child your surname. Me and my brother had my mums surname, even though she was with my dad. He never really liked his so was more than happy for us to have hers.
Both my kids have their fathers who I'm with BUT can't help feel a bit put out that they don't have mine, and know it'll be a parlava to change them now ( not with partner, he wouldn't mind). That's more to do with the fact that his family is huge and mines small, so would be nice to have my surname carried on.

UnrelatedToElephants Tue 06-Jan-15 14:41:49

If you personally aren't using his surname (after marriage) why would your baby?

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Tue 06-Jan-15 18:49:58

Give the baby your surname. I've never understood why women would want their child to grow up with a different name to them.
I know someone who gave her son his fathers second name because she liked his name, insert confused face here

Ditsydo Wed 07-Jan-15 11:36:23

Thanks for your replies, we aren't married but do plan on it and again the name change would be something I would consider... I don't particularly like my surname and it would be silly to double barrel. As far as DP is concerned it's just as upsetting for him as it is me as his father has past away and that's who we would most likely go to for advice.

In a silly lighthearted discussion we spoke about both if us changing our last names to something completely random to upset nobody ! confused

ThinkIveBeenHacked Wed 07-Jan-15 11:38:36

Id give baby your name and as and wheb you marry, DP can take your (and baby's) name if he wishes

Adarajames Wed 07-Jan-15 12:30:53

I'm all for the idea of you both picking a new name together and giving the baby that as well. Is no good reason to keep either current surname if you don't like them / want to be linked with a family who sound particularly horrid to you!

loislines Wed 07-Jan-15 13:02:44

Choosing a new surname sounds like a very sensible option. I know a couple who combined bits of both of their old names to make a new one when they got married.

whevs Wed 07-Jan-15 13:29:53

Why would it be silly to double-barrel? For me it's the only way for things to be truly equal.

If you give the baby your name and then change it on marriage, your child would end up with neither of your names, which might feel odd.

But then personally I absolutely would not take DP's name if we got married, and I am regularly dismayed when friends do. So I am biased.

Frikadellen Wed 07-Jan-15 16:39:12

If your dp is not that fussed and you don't care for your surname then I think go for the idea of a surname you all like and create your own family name.

zipzap Wed 07-Jan-15 17:05:23

bil changed his surname just before he got married to his second wife - who had the same first name as his first wife and didn't fancy being known as 'The Second Mrs Miggins'. They chose the name together (ended up being bil's middle name which is one of those that works as a first name or surname).

They didn't tell anybody - so at the wedding, when the registrar read out the names there were a few people who noticed or wondered if they had forgotten to read all bil's name out... others guessed what they had done.

Needless to say, FIL was most upset about it - saw it as a personal rejection of him and his family and his name - and refused to speak to bil for a couple of years afterwards. Maybe the fact that he discovered in public (albeit a small family wedding) made him more upset than he might have been if bil had told him beforehand but chances are he would have reacted like that anyway.

Meant that SIL was able to change her name to BIL's new name when she got married and change everything easily rather than have to do it by deedpoll further down the line.

Which is a long way round of saying that by changing your names you might find you upset everybody rather than nobody - but if you both like it then it's none of their business quite frankly - go for the name you like! And definitely register your dd in your name even if you do go on to change it later - you'll regret it otherwise I'm sure (speaking as somebody who forgot to add her name to ds1's name and then got vetoed by dh when I tried to do it for ds2 on the basis it wasn't fair for one of them to have it and not the other)...

carbolicsoaprocked Wed 07-Jan-15 19:43:41

I like the idea of you both choosing a new surname, but I would say don't do anything hasty that you may regret just because you're hurting. Be careful of adding more fuel to the fire. Your, your DP's and your DC's relationships with the wider family are much more important than a name (even though they don't sound the nicest). Whatever you choose to do, congratulations in advance and good luck!

ChocolateTeapotsDontWork Sat 10-Jan-15 16:50:27

DH and I changed our surnames to one we both liked when we got married and the DC also have that surname.

SIL was pissed off that we weren't carrying on the family name but she had the choice when she got married and changed her name to her husbands so quite frankly it was none of her business.

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