Talk

Advanced search

Whose surname should children take?

(27 Posts)
ParsleyCake Thu 13-Nov-14 22:52:05

We are married but I kept my maiden name - whose surname should our baby take? Our names don't really go well together hyphenated, and as someone who grew up with a double barrel name, I wouldn't particularly want to inflict that on my child. Do most people have the child take the father's name? Or what about if the child has my surname as a middle name!

LittleBairn Thu 13-Nov-14 22:54:07

A lot of people seem to use one of the surnames as a middle name. And choose whichever surname suits the first name best.

Squtternutbaush Thu 13-Nov-14 23:01:46

Totally up to you as parents.

My kids were born before we were married and I knew I wasn't going to change my surname because I like my name and DH's surname is awful with my first anyway but they have his surname just because it flows better and I have to tell people how to pronounce and spell my name at least daily, although to be honest I don't understand why because its a well used word with a silent letter on the end so not that difficult really grin

SwedishEdith Thu 13-Nov-14 23:11:35

Maybe let the sons have their dad's name and daughters have their mum's?

TheNewStatesman Thu 13-Nov-14 23:23:33

I would choose the name that sounds nicest, or which "goes" best with the first names you like. If you really can't choose----flip a coin?

Hakluyt Thu 13-Nov-14 23:26:30

"I would choose the name that sounds nicest"
That'll be the man's name, then. Funny how that always happens!

Stirrup Thu 13-Nov-14 23:27:53

Our DC has DH's surname as a surname and mine as a middle name.

TheWhispersOfTheGods Thu 13-Nov-14 23:32:45

i think children should have their mother's name.

I mostly changed my name on marriage, and I'll give my DC my name as a mn and DHs as a surname. the names do not go together and i dislike double barrelled names, but I'd like them to have the option. two of my aunts did that, and of their collective 9 DC, 5 have changed to using their mother's maiden name (nicer names, sounds better with my name, i felt like it and split families as motivations).

I rather feel i have to use DHs name as it's the only bloody reason i changed mine at all, to have the same name as my children. If it wasn't a nice name I'd use my maiden name. In fact, if DM had done what get sisters did I'd have used her maiden name from 16, have kept it on marriage and insisted on using it for my children.

LetticeKnollys Thu 13-Nov-14 23:41:09

I think that the DC should have their primary carers name, so whoever is going to look after them most of the time for the foreseeable future. Usually the mum, but not always.

They are the one who will have to take them to the doctors and other official appointments and I have heard of some parents being challenged on their relationship to the child if they have different names. Also if the parents ever split up then the primary carer would usually become the resident parent and it seems to me like it would just be better for the DC to blend in with the family they live with most of the time, and they would be less likely to be challenged at airports and things like that.

PinkOboe Thu 13-Nov-14 23:51:48

Maria Heavens and Robert Smellie = mother

Janet Hoare and Stephen Paradise = father

Bob Jones and Sally Williams = either / or / both

BOFster Thu 13-Nov-14 23:55:27

PinkOboe grin

slightlyglitterstained Fri 14-Nov-14 00:03:58

DS has my name. It's hard to spell, people never know how to pronounce it, and all those other reasons women give as an excuse for not using their surname. It's still my name though, so DS has it. Because I wanted to, and DP thought about it and was fine with it.

Whatever you choose, you don't need to make up justifications for it. It's a fairly normal human trait to rationalise decisions afterwards, which is part of the reason the man's surname is always "the one that sounds nicer" as Hakluyt pointed out. (Obv if your surname is Turd and your DH's is Rose you may take issue with this grin but it's such a common thing ).

DP looks after DS as much as I do, takes him to doctor etc, has taken him through passport control when travelling. We're yet to have a problem there.

We did give DS a first name that has strong links to DP's family. That may be an option to consider?

Also know a couple who just decided they'd both pick a new surname as a family name when they had kids. That's fairly unusual but can work if neither of you are that attached to your current surname.

PinkOboe Fri 14-Nov-14 00:05:04

I used to work with a X Godbehere. I'd have kids with him just for the surname.

I also used to work with Y Sithole, about which I never once managed not to think Shithole when I saw it written down.

TheBuskersDog Fri 14-Nov-14 00:07:31

They are the one who will have to take them to the doctors and other official appointments and I have heard of some parents being challenged on their relationship to the child if they have different names. Also if the parents ever split up then the primary carer would usually become the resident parent and it seems to me like it would just be better for the DC to blend in with the family they live with most of the time, and they would be less likely to be challenged at airports and things like that.

I often see comments like this on these threads, they are never by people who have experienced this.
I have had many meetings/appointments over the last twenty years with professionals regarding my son and have never encountered any issues with us having different surnames.

zerotolerancezone Fri 14-Nov-14 01:04:08

We plan on flipping coin to decide whose surname goes first/last.

avocadotoast Fri 14-Nov-14 08:30:22

Which name do you want the kids to have?

When we got married I knew I'd be keeping my name one way or another. DH wanted us and any future kids to all have the same name so we double-barrelled and took each other's (myname-hisname). He said he would have taken my name if it came to it though.

That said, we both have really common, run-of-the-mill surnames, so if he hadn't changed it would have been difficult to decide for the impending child.

I think really you just need to do what's best for you. There's no right or wrong answer.

SophieBarringtonWard Fri 14-Nov-14 08:37:23

Just for the record I (and all of my NCT) group have a different surname to my kids & it's never been an issue as a sahm dealing with doctors, hospitals, schools etc.

My kids have DH name for boring reasons that boil down to I felt his wider family cared more than my wider family (who didn't care at all). I wish they had my name though. It is a middle name for them.

SophieBarringtonWard Fri 14-Nov-14 08:38:58

zero my parents flipped a coin to decide which surname we would get - my mum won smile

LetticeKnollys Fri 14-Nov-14 10:00:37

TheBuskersDog admittedly probably less common re the doctors, that is less usual, but certainly not the traveling abroad. A quick search throws up this thread, where lots of people report being challenged on it.

I have never had any problems because I made sure DS had my name! Although when I registered him at the doctors only last week I was asked if he had the same surname as me (I had already given them his full name, so it wasn't just a way of asking what his name was) - I'm not sure what would have happened if I had said no but presumably they asked me for a reason.

Squtternutbaush Fri 14-Nov-14 10:10:45

I've never been asked by anyone if DS had the same surname, they just ask our names and that's including doctors/dentists/schools etc.

Hakylut DP's surname is definitely better than mine, trust me! Put it this way its regularly pointed out as an anagram of urine wink

MillieH30 Fri 14-Nov-14 16:16:25

I think they should take the father's surname as that's traditional, unless there is a compelling (risk of being bullied) reason not to.

angeltulips Fri 14-Nov-14 16:20:22

Mine has both - unhyphenated but both as surnames - she is Lovelygirl Mysurname DHsurname

I had a hell of a time getting DH to agree but I am incredibly stubborn grin

OwlCapone Fri 14-Nov-14 16:24:27

I think they should take the father's surname as that's traditional

The good thing now is that "traditional" is irrelevant and you can have whichever surname you choose.

Betrayedbutsurvived Fri 14-Nov-14 16:26:06

I'm old fashioned, and took my husbands name, and my daughter is long grown up, but I've often thought if I was in this predicament now, DH and I could just pick a fabulous surname, like ramadangadingdong or something, both change by deed poll to that, and problem solved.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Fri 14-Nov-14 18:03:34

My d.d is in my name. No contact with her father.
However I am ttc again with a new partner and there is no negotiation to be had the baby (if I do get pregnant ) will going in my name.
Aside from the fact I am very proud of my name. I can't imagine growing up with a different name from my child, and I can't see my and d.p walking down the isle and even so I'd still keep my own name.
I had a friend once who chased after some fella got him and had a baby to him put the baby in his name all because she liked his second name. Stupid cow.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now