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Bit odd...sorry in advance.

(25 Posts)
SnoringNorma Wed 05-Nov-14 02:35:22

Hello..sorry if this is upsetting but it's a real dilemma. We have 2 older children and we're surprised to be expecting earlier this year. Sadly we lost the baby and thought that was that. Just found out I'm pregnant again! Very early days but OH says he wants to use the same names we had last time and I feel that's all wrong. What do you think? Oh and please keep fingers crossed for me!

SnoringNorma Wed 05-Nov-14 02:35:55

Tut. Were surprised not we're.

MargaretRiver Wed 05-Nov-14 02:46:47

Congratulations!
For me it would depend on how advanced the earlier pregnancy was, ie if I'd seen scans, felt kicks, talked to him/her, then I would not re-use that name
But if it was at an early stage and I hadn't yet bonded , I would consider reusing a name you really love

SurfsUp1 Wed 05-Nov-14 02:49:34

I had exactly the same dilemma once. I just couldn't do it. In my mind the baby I lost was a girl but DH was still very keen on the girl's name we'd chosen. Eventually I just said "NO, xx died and so we need a new name".

Sorry for your loss SnoringNorma. All the best and everything crossed for this little bundle!

Outfield Wed 05-Nov-14 02:58:46

Hi Norma. I'm sorry for your loss, and congratulations on your new pregnancy.

Your dilemma is a tough one, and a very personal decision, definitely no right or wrong. I think that how I might feel in your shoes would depend on a few factors that you haven't elaborated on: at what stage you lost the baby (especially whether you knew the sex and had already named him/her as opposed to having naming options you were considering / leaning toward), and whether the names have a deep personal meeting (e.g. named after a loved one) or were simply ones that you liked.

But the bottom line from your OP is that you say that you "feel it's all wrong", and to me if either you or your oh feels that way, then that should be the deciding factor, regardless of how much the other would have wished to use the name you chose for the baby you lost.

Wishing you a happy healthy pregnancy and safe arrival for little one smile

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Wed 05-Nov-14 09:21:43

Congratulations Norma. Very excited for you and of course I am sorry about your previous loss.
I do fully understand where you're coming from about not wanting to use the same name as it was the name of your previous baby.

Blowmeonelastkiss Wed 05-Nov-14 09:23:06

There are so many millions of names I think you should choose another one.

Hakluyt Wed 05-Nov-14 09:26:09

We gave our absolute favourite name to a baby that I then miscarried. I couldn't then use it for the baby I had later- I wanted to, but I just couldn't. Dp was sad about it because he felt we would be remembering our lost baby with the name, but understood why I couldn't.

Norfolkandchance1234 Wed 05-Nov-14 09:39:49

I chose different names after my miscarriage, it was emotionally the right thing to do for me. Congratulations on being pregnant again. I got pregnant a few months after and had a health DS. My DP had his heart set on a ridiculous name but once we'd had the 20 week scan I just said I'm carrying this baby and no way are we giving him that stupid name so we had a 30 second brain storm in the car and chose what is a lovely name.

thatwhichwecallarose Wed 05-Nov-14 09:45:58

Unfortunately, no one on here can decide for you. My dd was born after I had suffered a missed miscarriage and had she been a boy I would have used the same name (we didn't have a girls name for that baby).

In the olden days they suffered so much loss that the same name was often used over and over again.

So I don't think it's weird to reuse a name, but if you don't want to then don't. The name has to be chosen jointly between you DH and you so if either one of you vetos and name for any reason then you need a new one.

So so sorry for your loss and good luck x

wigglesrock Wed 05-Nov-14 09:50:58

I'm sorry for your loss earlier in the year. Would using the name as a middle name be any kind of compromise? I know quite a few families who have done this. I don't think I could use the original name as a first name, I think it would be too painful. I wish you all the very best of luck with this pregnancy.

squoosh Wed 05-Nov-14 12:07:49

I think the fact that one of the parents feel deeply uncomfortable about using the name means the name should be instantly dismissed.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, it hope it all goes well.

Mutteroo Wed 05-Nov-14 13:28:30

Sorry to hear about your loss, but I have everything crossed for this baby.

I lost my second baby & was convinced it was a boy. We've always wanted a certain name if we had a boy & after miscarrying, I had a dream where a little blue eyed boy reassured me all was ok for him. So I named this little boy in my head & my heart & when I got Pregnant again I was convinced I was having a girl & my little boy would always remain the child that never was. Problem was my third baby was a boy & it left me in a quandary as to whether we would use the name we had always loved. In the end we decided the baby that never was, was just that. We didn't really know what sex it was, it was my weird hormonal head which decided the sex & encouraged me to have strange dreams about the baby being a boy.

Baby number 3 is now nearly 19, he suits his name & he actually quite likes it. Very pleased we called him what we did, but this is an extremely personal decision & you have time to decide what is right for you. Wishing you all the best.

Castlemilk Wed 05-Nov-14 13:59:11

Sorry to hear about your loss.

It is a deeply personal thing, and also something that you should both feel absolute sensitivity about towards the other person. No compromise on that, I'm afraid.

So if you were both totally happy with re-using the names, then fine. But, if either of you felt the slightest bit sad or unhappy about it, then that is IT. Off the table. No discussion needed. No justifying required.

So no, off the table. And your DH really, really needs to understand that and stop the conversation right there.

You cannot even CONTEMPLATE setting up a situation where one of you feels such complex and potentially resentful, negative feelings towards the name choice of your new, innocent baby. That way real unhappiness lies.

New baby, new names, new beginnings.

Congratulations and good luck with the pregnancy.

lentilpot Wed 05-Nov-14 14:10:34

My mum had a loss before me, she gave me the same middle name the baby would have had, honouring her. It's never felt weird to me.

longestlurkerever Wed 05-Nov-14 14:53:12

Norma, I am very sorry for your loss. Did you name your baby, or were you discussing several names? I think my answer would depend on that.

mangoespadrille Wed 05-Nov-14 15:50:32

In the same boat. We've decided on new names as we wouldn't feel comfortable, but it is entirely up to you. I read an article recently about a family who had lost their ten year old daughter. They went on to have another baby girl and gave her their deceased child's name as a way of honouring her memory, which I found extremely disturbing, but obviously it felt right to them. No one can tell you how to feel about these things; go with your (and OH's) instinct.

acharmofgoldfinches Wed 05-Nov-14 17:25:00

Same here too. So sorry that you lost the baby and very best wishes that all goes well this time round.

As the others have said, there is no right or wrong, it's how the two of you feel that's important. And if one of you isn’t happy with a name – for whatever reason, but particularly this one – then I don’t think you can use it.

I did a lot of reading about miscarriage trying to understand what had happened to us, and I learned that, in Japan, babies who are not born are referred to as Mizuko, or "water children". In ancient times (and possibly still) Shinto Buddhists believed that when we lose a baby the same soul may return to us another way - through reincarnation.

It's not the western way of thinking at all, but in our situation I found it very comforting - it allowed me to hope that "our" little one would eventually arrive, rather than focussing on what we had lost; we are now expecting again, and because of this idea we are able to think about using the name we have always loved. It may not suit the baby when it arrives (if it's a boy it definitely won't!) but it's still at the top of the list.

SnoringNorma Thu 06-Nov-14 02:33:26

Thank you all so much. You've been so kind and encouraging.We had set names but didn't want to know the sex. ( I thought it was a girl) Middle names were family honouring names so feel ok to use them and I've shown OH this and thanks to you lovely ladies he gets it. Charm that is so very wonderful about the baby's soul. Thanks to you especially. I'm so nervous but have a positive feeling we'll all be ok x

ZingOfSeven Thu 06-Nov-14 04:48:09

sorry for your loss Norma and congrats on new pg!thanks

for me I couldn't choose the same name as a first name, wouldn't mind as a second.

but it used to be quite common to reuse the name for the next in line after loosing a baby/young child.
DH has a family tree that goes back hundreds of years, it's fascinating.
there are families where there were 10- 13 children born but there'd be 4 Elizabeths and 3 Thomases for example!
When you looked at the birth/death dates it would become clear that sibling with the same name meant the older child/ren weren't alive at the point of the younger one/s birth date.

so however painful personally I wonder about the motivation behind this practice.
maybe the parents wanted to carry on traditional family names? or felt like their newest child somehow carries on the memory of the others by having the same name as a bittersweet reminder?
or some other reasons, legal perhaps?

I wonder why your husband would prefer to use the same name again, what's the emotion or reasoning behind his wish.
(genuine question, not attacking or criticising at all)

If you feel uneasy, but say he wants to honour the baby you lost, you both have very valid points so neither of you are right or wrong!

it's a very delicate issue and probably a very hard decision to make.
but my feeling is that one parent is very much against a name for whatever reason it's best to avoid that name at least as a first name.

I hope this is helpful

ZingOfSeven Thu 06-Nov-14 05:03:05

Muttero

I had a similar thing in that we had a girl's name in mind since I was pg with DS1, but as we kept on having boys we didn't get to use it until DD, our 6th child arrived.

so when after our first 4 boys my 5th pg ended at 12 weeks and I just know it was a girl I had a sudden inspiration to name her Yasmin, and not the name we "always wanted".
I wanted to keep that name in case we ever had a daughter, or not use it all.

(just for the record we didn't keep going until we had a girl! grin in fact when I was pg with DS5 and then with DD I was convinced I can't carry girls. and that was fine.
we now have 7 children, DS6 is only 3.5 months old.)

Foxbiscuitselection Thu 06-Nov-14 23:35:38

I'm on the fence. Maybe it would honour your lost baby

clairemarie5 Fri 07-Nov-14 21:39:17

Sorry for your horrible loss but congratulations on your new pregnancy, fingers and toes crossed for you that all goes well smile
If it were me I'd feel the way you do.. If I'd lost my Louie (who I also named before he was born) I couldn't have named another baby the same name, it would have just reminded me of the little lost Louie too much. Maybe use your 2nd favourite name.. good luck!

SnoringNorma Sun 09-Nov-14 01:54:54

Thanks again... and I'll be bugging you with crazy name lists soon! Xx

MisguidedAngel Sun 09-Nov-14 05:57:49

Late to the thread, as your husband has now agreed - a very good resolution to your problem. But just in case others in the same situation are reading, I would say if you do decide to use the same name it would be best not to tell the child the origin of his/her name. It's surprising how much impact "the story of how I got my name" has on someone's life.

Congratulations and good luck for this pregnancy.

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