Name regret - does it ever go away?

(63 Posts)
everythinginthegardensisrosie Wed 07-May-14 13:18:35

My DD is now 5, so there is absolutely no way I would change her name or let on to her that I feel like this.
Ever since we named her I've had namers remorse. I suffered from horrendous pnd after her birth which made me completely paralised in decision making and made it very hard to name her. Even after recovering from the pnd, I still feel like I made a mistake and I've let her down. The rest of the family have solid names such as James, Will, Anna, Lucy, Edward, George etc. I gave her a very fashionable name which I hear everywhere. I wish I had called her a classic too.
Just want to know if there are others that feel like this and if the feeling passes with time. She is very much her name now and it does suit her so I'm confused as to why I can't move on.

squoosh Wed 07-May-14 14:06:57

Do you think it might be because naming her reminds you of having PND? Does she have a nickname that you quite like?

everythinginthegardensisrosie Wed 07-May-14 14:21:09

Thanks for replying Squoosh. I feel a lot of shame when I think back to the mess I was in - I changed her names several times in the first few weeks and I think people thought I was mad. It's just that nothing felt right at the time.
I took my time when DC2 was born and I feel happy I made the right decision that time (even after having pnd again).
She has a lot of pet names but not one I could use as her every day name.

Forago Wed 07-May-14 14:33:18

aw that's a shame, is she old enough yet to tell you if she likes it? I know a lot of people with trad names who wish they had something more unusual

flavourflave Wed 07-May-14 18:14:10

I have been in similar situation, cycling through names. I think I simply couldn't commit. It was and is a way of channelling all my worries into one thing.

Is there another name you prefer?

everythinginthegardensisrosie Wed 07-May-14 20:00:59

She's a confident and happy little girl and I think she is fairly happy with the name. She does get a little confused though as there are so many little girls with this name at the moment. At a recent party there were four girls with this name!

Yes I do think I am channelling my worries into one thing too. It's annoying as thought I would be over it by now. Don't think I have ever obsessed about anything else this much - seems ridiculous! It's all I thought about for the first year of her life and I would constantly notice other names at playgroups that I wish I had thought of - less popular, quirkier names - two inparticular which would have been perfect.

MrsCocoa Wed 07-May-14 20:08:18

Can understand this.

Does she have middle names already that you like? If not, could you possibly add one of the ones you love to give you a sense of resolution? Nice as an older child or young adult to have a choice of first names to play with a bit as you establish your own identity?

flavourflave Wed 07-May-14 21:29:28

What were the two other 'perfect' names? Is her current name in the top 5 I take it? I suppose the recent party where there were four other girls withe the same name brought it all up again.

DogCalledRudis Wed 07-May-14 23:44:37

My DS1 is Marvin, though i wanted him to be Kevin. Anyway, when that horrific book came out, though it is a very good book, i'm glad he's Marvin, not Kevin

flavourflave Thu 08-May-14 07:48:05

I found that the name I loved and still do I couldn't use on baby. It was too much. I tried to imagine her as an old woman with the name and it simply didn't suit her personality. The other name I love is a quieter, gentler name that suits her more. It doesn't have the marmite wow factor tho but its as good a name. However I had to make a choice and let one go. Its hard!

Sarah is a very common name but I think its still as beautiful as say something quirkier like Emelda. Met two Sarah best friends who run a company and they giggled about their shared name. Its

AMI88 Thu 08-May-14 08:37:37

My other half has a very common name- Dan. It wasn't his moms first choice but was a favourite name at the time (25+yrs ago) she wished she had chosen a more unusual name, but every dan I have ever known has been so different,the fact that their names are the same seems pretty irrelevant, if you know what I mean?!
None of them look similar, and non of their personalities are the same, so they kind "wear" the name differently, so to speak.
If you DD isn't fond of her name in later life, she can always swap it! Try not to worry you, what's in a name after all! Xx

Notsoyummymummy1 Thu 08-May-14 10:00:18

Can I ask what her name is?

HeyBungalowBill Thu 08-May-14 10:04:54

Does she have a middle name OP?

everythinginthegardensisrosie Thu 08-May-14 11:23:26

Thanks for your replies. It's actually helped me a lot by just typing all of this as it's not something I've been able to talk about for years.

This is not the exact name but a similar kind of thing and went something like this:

Announced name as Ella Catherine (Catherine one of my middle names).

Fely very hormonal and confused/fuzzy, wobbled after two weeks and changed to Ava Catherine.

Registered as something like Ava Jane, then obsessed because thought it was too short.

PND got worse, obsessed about it for months and then changed middle name so name became something like Ava Olivia.

Then followed years of obsessing/shame/embarrasment about it all and wished I had stuck with the original name. Plus thinking about all of the names I should have called her Eliza/Elizabeth, or Harriet or Beatrice or Catherine/Kate, or quirky like Polly, Betty, Sadie etc....

So when I hear the name Olivia it makes me upset as it brings it all back. I don't even think she remembers it's her mn.

So if I added Catherine back it would be a mouthful - Ava Olivia Catherine.

I sound like a crazy person!...which I'm not usually, honest....that's why I don't understand why I can't just let it go.

My other DC has a popular but classic name, think James William, which I am proud of.

Everard Thu 08-May-14 11:37:27

I think the regret does lessen, yes.

I gave my dd a name that is not at all like my other children's names (which all have a similar theme, if you will) and it is not a classic or traditional name, which is something else I have always valued. I have no idea why I chose such a name. Her mn is classic and beautiful and what I actually wanted to call her, but at the last minute I changed it to her mn as I knew someone with a dd with a similar name and didn't want to seem to be copying her (I hardly know her now!)

I couldn't keep my feelings to myself so my dd has long been aware that I regret my name choice. She too preferred her mn and wanted to be known by that name for a while, but it was too hard to start using another name, albeit her mn.

I am not sure how she feels now, but I feel less strongly about it. It is something to do with seeing her growing into womanhood (she is 14 now). It is hard to explain, but to me, as she grows up, she becomes less and less one of many, and more and more her own unique individual. And the name goes with that individual, if that makes any sense?

everythinginthegardensisrosie Thu 08-May-14 12:09:01

Thanks for your reply Everard. It's good to hear that it lessens over time. AMI88, I agreed that people "wear" their names differently.

I think what seems to make things worse for me is when I get comments like "Ooo that name is very popular, I know 5"...or "Wow, that name came from nowhere"....or the worst one "that name is sooo trendy, like Tracey was at one point". Not that there is anything wrong with Tracey (sorry to any Traceys), it's just that I love solid names which are rich in history if that makes sense.

I had a terrible birth for my DD and at one point we thought we had lost her, plus my mother was seriously ill at the time too. I think all of that contributed to the pnd and it seems like the naming thing is connected to all of that. However, maybe it's just as simple as I don't like the name or the way it sounds.

CrispyFern Thu 08-May-14 13:14:23

If it is top five it can't be a horrid name.

I'm sure everyone would be saying how lovely it is if you told.

I love one of my DC's names but the other was very much a compromise neither of us hate it DH and I can't find anything else to agree on thing.

But the name isn't the person. It's just a word. Not really a definition.

everythinginthegardensisrosie Thu 08-May-14 13:25:42

Thanks Crispy, you are right, it is just a word, so I shouldn't be obsessing like this.

I guess I'm overthinking and worried about it dating badly, etc, etc...

I need to find something else to obsess about instead :-)

flavourflave Thu 08-May-14 13:26:18

Hi op. I think everyone gets comments even if you choose unique name. I think you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. With DD1 name I wonder if it passes the right hon test! Dd2 name is yoonique and I've been told she will hate spelling it forever more.

If its similar to Ava perhaps its Eve or Evie, it doesn't really matter. Yes, it is popular, no denying that, but it is also a beautiful name. Hence why it is so popular!

Most girls I know go through a phase of disliking their name. I know I did. As I get older it doesn't bother me that I have a name popular for that decade. Your dd might at one point have a moan about her name. Be prepared for that! I am prepared for dd telling me she preferred original name!

You are not mad. Not at all. It seems that your mind is stuck on this, that's all.

If only we had longer than six weeks to decide. I think I needed 3 months. But at the end of the day one name is as good as another. I had to tell myself that when deciding between two names and remind myself whenever I think about the what if name.

Salazar Thu 08-May-14 13:36:22

The regret will lesson, but you've got to frame it in your mind in a way that will allow the regret to go away.

So..

Does your daughter like it?
Does she suit her name?
Nobody teases her for her name?
Does she fit in with her peers names?
Will the name have a negative impact on her life?

If you're answering all the right answers, you've chosen a pretty solid name for your DD. Well done - tonnes of parents can't even do that.

You've got to get a little bit badass about it I think! Think 'fuck it, that's my daughter, that's her name, and she is a bright, happy little girl'

Try to associate all the things your daughter is with the name, not just the name itself.

sillylily Thu 08-May-14 13:38:56

Words of advice from my late great-grandma "it's just something for people to call you".

MissHooliesclassmonitor Thu 08-May-14 13:51:04

yes i had this too so i no how you feel. I love love love the name Luca but dh didnt. i really wish i had stuck to it (especially as he is now ex-dh) but ds fits his name - and nickname!

flavourflave Thu 08-May-14 13:55:22

Salazar, that's an excellent checklist!

everythinginthegardensisrosie Thu 08-May-14 13:55:59

More lovely replies, thank you all.

Yes she suits it and no she won't get teased. She fits in with her peers as three of them have the same name. I've never asked her if she likes it, but I assume she does.

Yep I need to get a bit badass, brilliantly put Salazar. x

everythinginthegardensisrosie Thu 08-May-14 14:00:35

...one day I will tell her the other names she was nearly called. It would make me smile if she said "urrrhh, don't like that"....and one day I might tell her how much I obsessed over her name, and she might say "shut up Mum you were being a dick".

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