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Surname dilemma

(64 Posts)
Level75 Mon 28-Apr-14 18:43:52

I've got a different surname from my DH. I don't see why our son should have his surname. My surname is very rare and I'd like to pass it on but I can appreciate that this isn't fair either. Double barrelled would be too long.
Has anyone else been in this situation and if so how did you work it out?

Hassled Mon 28-Apr-14 18:47:05

How many syllables are we talking with the double-barrelled approach? I double-barrelled, but DH and I both have single syllable surnames so it was fine - but a friend's child has a 5 syllable d-b surname and actually, it's OK.

I know some couples decide that daughters will take the mother's name, sons the father's (or vice-versa) - would that work?

Level75 Mon 28-Apr-14 19:09:00

4 syllables but I think that's too long.
The boy /girl thing might have been an option if I didn't know it was a boy!
We're only likely to have 1 so it's not like I'd get a shot having a girl.

alita7 Mon 28-Apr-14 19:30:36

not quite the same but I'm grumpy that we probably won't get the chance to get married before hand as I want baby to have his surname but I want it too so I have the same name as baby.

McFox Mon 28-Apr-14 19:36:44

We're in this situation and leaning towards giving our baby my surname as a middle name because double-barrelling would sound ridiculous - it's too long at 5 syllables. Would that work for you?

squoosh Mon 28-Apr-14 19:38:17

You could pass it on as a middle name?

Personally I'd go double barrel. He doesn't need to use both name day to day but it but it's seems more egalitarian to me for a child to receive both parent's surname. Father's surname as automatic default aggravates me.

Level75 Mon 28-Apr-14 19:43:04

I've heard of the middle name suggestion before but no one has ever suggested it gets his as a middle name and mine as the surname. Most people seem to think it's completely crazy to suggest my surname. I just don't understand why in most people's solutions it's the woman's name that gets pushed out or to the middle.

Lots of relationships break up and usually the mum ends up with greater custody of the kids, so for that reason alone it makes more sense for babies to get the mum's name.

GimmeDaBoobehz Mon 28-Apr-14 19:46:40

Might sound ludicrous but why not choose a completely different surname - so it's not unfair on one of you.

I find it quite sad when someone is already talking about possible break up before their baby is even born. I understand - it's just horrible to have to think like that.

Or you could shorten them both and make them into a surname in their own right for example:

DHs surname is Harrison
your name is Javier
New surname Harrier or Jarrison?

Yep, probably stupid but just don't know how else it can be 'equal'.

kimlo Mon 28-Apr-14 19:47:17

Double barrel it then just use yours for day to day.

PotteringAlong Mon 28-Apr-14 19:49:21

You cannot choose your child's surname on the basis that you're more likely to get custody than your partner if you split up...

Would your partner change his surname to yours and you could all have the same name? Or do the middle name thing?

PukousMucous Mon 28-Apr-14 19:56:04

Hugh fearnley-Whittingstall pulls off a 7 syllable double barrelled surname. I like it.

Level75 Mon 28-Apr-14 20:01:07

Oh I'm not saying our choice would be governed by who got custody if we split. We've been together 19 years and I see no chance of that. It's more an observation on wider society and the fact that if we though practically rather than traditionally the woman's surname might get used more.
Squashing the names together was actually an option we discussed but then we couldn't agree on who got the start and who got the end.
I went to school with siblings that all had the surname Rivers and the parents had their birth surnames so that's not a novel suggestion.
I'm just hoping that DH gives in!

McFox Mon 28-Apr-14 20:25:17

We're choosing to use my DH's the surname for the baby based on the fact that it sounds awesome with the names we've picked rather than using mine, which doesn't.

I know what you mean though - my dad and DH went for a pint last week and my dad was telling him that he can't understand why I don't just change my name, he thinks I'm being daft. That really annoys me.

Martorana Mon 28-Apr-14 20:32:13

Hyphenate. Honestly- long name not a problem. Don't go for the middle name option- people just say that to shut up women who might otherwise want their child to have their name. It just gives the father's name by default.

And, for the love of God, don't fall into the "women's last name" trap. You know, those last names that only women have, that are hard to spell, or awkward, or sound ugly, or are boring. So that it's so much better to use the man's name, because it's easy to spell, or exciting or unusual or beautiful..............

McFox Mon 28-Apr-14 20:58:20

So I'm suggesting the middle name option because I'm suggesting the OP shut up, I've either been told to shut up, or have fallen into a patriachal trap?!

This is my first ever use of this, but did you mean to be so rude?

Level75 Mon 28-Apr-14 21:08:22

McFox - I think how the names sound is a perfectly good reason for choosing what order to have or which to use as a middle name. If I had a rubbish or boring name I'd be much more relaxed about letting the point go.

I do however have sympathy with Martorana's point. I know loads of women who on marriage choose the man's name and claim it's because his sounds better when, objectively assessed, it doesn't.

McFox Mon 28-Apr-14 21:15:48

I have sympathy with the point, its the delivery of it that I find objectionable!

ThinkIveBeenHacked Mon 28-Apr-14 21:20:35

Have you spoken to your DH about it? Tbh you can give your son whatever surname you both agree on, doesnt even have to be connected.

But he is the one to ask grin

Blu Mon 28-Apr-14 21:23:10

What Martorana said.

DS has a 5 syllable hyphenated name , it's fine.

Martorana Mon 28-Apr-14 21:34:10

I didn't mean to be rude to anyone in particular. But yes, I can't see any reason for the middle name thing to be suggested except as a "compromise" which effectively gives the child the men's name by default.

And yes, I agree that it's nice if names sound good- but I have never, ever, heard of a man's name not being used because it is unattractive in sound, spelling or meaning. Instead you get women coming on here asking for suggestions for "nice names to go with DP's unfortunate last name-it's so hard to find something that sounds good with Arsebiscuit......."

Catsmamma Mon 28-Apr-14 21:37:57

I'm a three syllable first name and a five d-b surname.

it's fine now there are no cheques to write in supermarket queues.

HauntedNoddyCar Mon 28-Apr-14 21:44:15

Draw the name out of a hat. Best of 3.

pebblyshit Mon 28-Apr-14 21:47:02

Ds's schoolfriend has a 6 syllable double barrelled name. It's a mix of English and Spanish so not two names you expect to go together. He gets his full name a lot as there is another child in the class with the same first name. It works fine. I think you should try saying the double barrelled name a lot and see if you can get it to grow on you because if you both want him to have your name then there isn't any other way of doing it.

FrumiousBandersnatch Tue 29-Apr-14 00:22:00

Double barrel but without a hyphen, to give your child te option of using one name as a middle name later if he wishes - it's what we have done. Then you only need to worry about the order of the names. Ours is alphabetical but you also need to consider how the names scan, as some form really pleasing metric feet and others sound awful.

BobPatandIgglePiggle Tue 29-Apr-14 00:27:49

Could you blend the names to make 1 new one?

So Robson + gibbs = gibson type thing?

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