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Naming baby after passive agressive MIL

(19 Posts)
YummyMummybee Wed 24-Jul-13 17:19:35

I'm quite upset with MIL. We named dd1 after my wonderful mom, she's the best & I mentioned at the weekend how my mom is thrilled with a namesake, MIL replied I would never have thought that X was a version of mams name & I would never have associated the 2, even though it was said to her all along DD1 was a version of mams name, she was quite vicious about it.
All along to keep her happy we have said if we were lucky enough to have another dd it would be named after her but her behaviour over the last week & lack of interest & support with our dd I have said to dh that I no longer want to use her name as my daughters name... Dh is like we have to seeing as we have told her & all the family next child will be after her. I said I'm happy with her getting second name but I think I'd regret naming dd after such a nasty woman but I also don't want my daughter to be resented by her nor do I want to be seen as using her name as ammunition or a war weapon against MIL!!!!!! HELP, advice please.
BTW not pregnant but hope to be soon, so upset still about the way she spoke about my momsad

Thurlow Wed 24-Jul-13 17:22:38

That's not good sad Can your MIL's name be changed slightly? Does she have a middle name you can use?

Of course, at the end of the day it's your baby and you can call her what you want.

GummyLopes Wed 24-Jul-13 17:25:12

Screw'em, although I am slightly confused.

Morgause Wed 24-Jul-13 17:27:18

Difficult to unmake a promise, especially as one DC is named after your mother. Your DH gets a say as well, surely.

YummyMummybee Wed 24-Jul-13 17:28:24

Well we were always using a slightly varied but obvious version of her name... I like it a lot but theres names I prefer alot more but was willing to compromise so I could name both babies after their Grannies.... I really don't want potential dd2 to suffer at the hands of in-laws due to not using name, even last week I was joking with her that I hope Kate didn't use said namesad I just feel she doesn't deserve it, she's been so passive aggressive towards me over the years & has no interest in my dd1... Then again it could be a boy in which case MIL says we "absolutely have to name him after my FIL & DH" even though we have no intentions of doing so. DH does not want a son named after him.....

HairyPotter Wed 24-Jul-13 17:28:43

I would wait until you are

A) pregnant


B) have a girl

before worrying about it tbh.

<Probably not helpful>

YummyMummybee Wed 24-Jul-13 17:32:19

Its true Hairy, just so upset over the weekend & I want to feel like I have so control over my little family, besides being passive agressive the woman is overbearing & very controlling....

Nandocushion Wed 24-Jul-13 17:34:05

You say "MIL replied I would never have thought that X was a version of mams name & I would never have associated the 2, even though it was said to her all along DD1 was a version of mams name". Sorry, what exactly did she do wrong here? It just sounds as though she was confused.

If you do have another DD, then no matter what name you give her will, in theory, be the name of a "nasty woman", somewhere. Sorry if this isn't helpful, but I don't really get why people reuse family names anyway. (am stuck with two particularly unlovely ones myself)

runningonwillpower Wed 24-Jul-13 17:34:17

I've always thought that once you go down the family name route, you are kind of stuck with it.

It's very hurtful to just pick out the names of the family members you like. Either you embrace the family name tradition or you don't. In my case I opted out, not because I didn't like the family member but because I didn't like the name.

You chose a variation on your mum's name. Couldn't you consider doing the same with MIL IF you have a girl. Because, whatever you choose it will be your beloved child's name and that's what will count.

Last of all, is it worth borrowing trouble? You and MIL could have made your peace by the time you have a lovely baby boy!!

ParrotsHilton Wed 24-Jul-13 17:36:33

So if your MIL was called Jane, name the baby Jane Sarah Jones and then say 'but we're going to call her Sarah'.
Your child, your rules!

YummyMummybee Wed 24-Jul-13 17:45:20

Sorry just to clarify, I used a well known version of my mams name for dd1 & all along we said we were using it to honor mam, MIL knew this all along & said how much she loved the name we chose. However at the weekend she turned around & said I never knew that was a version of your mothers name, I would never have associated the 2 names even though throughout my pg we said it was a name to honour my mom, Its a very obvious nn

Zynzong Wed 24-Jul-13 17:46:28

wow. I would quit the unsaid coded messages and say to her "I feel like there has been a lot of tension between us, just because I named my daughter after my mother, and I have felt judged, criticised and pressured, so the next baby's name will just be a name [husband] and I like!

two weeks of awkwardness. But well worth it in the long run. you don't owe it to her so if she moans let her show herself up.

BanjoPlayingTiger Wed 24-Jul-13 17:53:37

It doesn't sound like your MIL has done anything wrong from what you've said except admit that she hadn't realised your dd name was a nickname for your DM name. I can't see what the problem is.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 24-Jul-13 18:01:06

Too late but like you I wish you'd not elaborated on why DD1 has the name you gave her. Maybe the next will be a boy! Try not to panic. Your child be called whatever you and DH want. Nobody usually goes out of their way to saddle a child with the name of an unpleasant manipulative bitchy individual.

MIL had her go with her own DCs, she can't dictate the next generation's given name. If she remains antagonistic about it, is there another female name from DH's side with which you can honour a different relative? Use that as a middle or third name then no-one can say DH's family were ignored.

Nandocushion Wed 24-Jul-13 18:32:00

No, I understand what it was she said - I just don't understand why it makes her nasty or why you're so angry with her. That's the part you haven't really clarified. "at the weekend she turned around & said I never knew that was a version of your mothers name, I would never have associated the 2 names". So what? Why is that so awful?

Still, I agree with others that as you're not even expecting DC2 yet, I wouldn't stew on it now.

YummyMummybee Wed 24-Jul-13 18:55:29

Well she knew all along it was after my mam, said when dd was born how lovely it was to honour her & phoned mam after the birth & said lovel to have a namesake!!!!!

Thurlow Wed 24-Jul-13 18:56:22

I'm with the other posters - I don't quite understand why saying she didn't realise your DD's name was a version of your DM's name is quite so bad?

BanjoPlayingTiger Wed 24-Jul-13 21:53:10

It just sounds to me like she was admitting she hadn't realised this before you said. I really can't understand why what she said was in any way offensive.

Notsoyummymummy1 Thu 25-Jul-13 01:57:04

You should just give your child a name you genuinely like - forget about paying tribute to anyone or rewarding/punishing anyone. What on earth can she do about it anyway - she will just have to get on with it whatever you call the child. If you name the child after her she will never appreciate it enough and you will just feel even more resentful towards her.

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