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Would it be heartless to use this name?

(97 Posts)
Iris1 Wed 15-May-13 19:58:37

So Im pregnant and mulling names - don't know the sex.
In a tough situation as my SIL has recently suffered two losses and its cut her up big time. I had a miscarriage myself but still feel so guilty about being pregnant when she's not.
Anyway for a girl I love the name Eliza, really truly love it have done for as long as I can remember. I have never spoken to SIL about the name Eliza but know if she had a daughter she would want Elizabeth as its a family names although she would use Betty all the time.
I would also want Elizabeth as I like full names but for the most part she would be Eliza.
Am I being heartless - is it horrible to consider using that name?
I feel it is and I already feel bad enough but cant shake it that I love the name Eliza. What if I never have another daughter and in future she has only son's so neither of us use it? I would be gutted.
Not sure what to do, the plan would be to broach it with her nearer the time if we decide we definitely want to use it but I dunno if I should just push it from my head.

Anyone ever had a similar situation?

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Thu 16-May-13 20:58:00

I just find it difficult to think that someone can't or shouldn't use a name they have always dreamed of.

LOL, yes, that is the difficult thing in the scenario the OP describes...! confused

Lavender, chances are you'll never be faced with the same circumstances the OP is in, so it's a moot point. But if you are, by all means just go ahead and use the name, and see how it works out for you.

This isn't about ownership of a name, but if that needs explaining to people, then chances are they're never going to get the issue at hand anyway.

Sorry for replying to the thread when you'd asked everyone to leave it, OP.

Bakingtins Thu 16-May-13 20:42:08

I doubt anyone thinks you are awful, an insensitive person wouldn't even have considered her feelings.

mewkins Thu 16-May-13 20:27:40

Actually using it as a middle name may be a nice touch, maybe takk to her about it first. I think I would choose a different name, not because anyone has dibs in a name but it will be quite delicate for all of your family when your lovely healthy baby arrives and she will feel her loss more keenly. So as not to make it more painful for her and her dp choose a different name that will be all your dd's and not have any sensitive connotations. Xx

DontmindifIdo Thu 16-May-13 20:06:14

Just to throw something else in before you cancel this thread - if you give your DD the name Elizabeth, at some point in her future, she'll be known as Liz. If you'd rather have Eliza, then name her Eliza, it's a name in it's own right - once you know if you are having a girl, then I'd ask her if she is ok with you calling your DD Eliza - and make it clear that you won't mind at all if in the future she uses the name Elizabeth as you know she would always want it.

Personally I had a misscarriage last year, we didn't know the gender of the one we'd lost but at the time but did know that my SIL was pregnant with a girl so refused to discuss girls name, but had agreed on the boys name William. There is no way I could even entertain the idea that the baby I am now pregnant with would be called William and it does make me slightly forget how to breath for a second when I hear a boy being called William or Will.

BTW - it's lovely of you to think about this. It's very kind to worry about her feelings even though Eliza and Betty are very different names. Some people have been v insensitive re my miscarriage and it's great that you are trying ot be as sensitive as possible to her feelings.

everlong Thu 16-May-13 20:04:44

No I don't think you're an awful person OP. An awful person would just go ahead and use the name and you haven't done that, you came on here and asked for an opinion.


Branleuse Thu 16-May-13 19:59:34

dont use it. you will hurt her.
maybe a middle name x

HabitualHobbyist Thu 16-May-13 19:58:02

Iris I don't think you're an awful person and I think some people on here have actually been quite cruel to you in being so blunt and rude with their responses. For what my opinion is worth, I wouldn't use Elizabeth as a first name, but love Eliza on its own and can't see any problem with you using it as a middle name. flowers

Iris1 Thu 16-May-13 19:54:17

I didnt say anyone was awful to me I said people obviously think im awful.

Thank you for all the nice replies people have left, ive decided not to use the name at all.

Adeliza is lovely.

Ive asked for this thread to be deleted im worried there is too much personal information after all and wish id used different names.

I appreciate all the replies so far and will not be using the name or bringing it up with her.

If anyone reads this now please don't reply as I want the thread to disappear if it doesn't get deleted - like I say I think I've been daft and put too muh info im worried she may read it.

Thanks again

everlong Thu 16-May-13 19:48:16

I don't think people were awful to you tbf.

You asked a question and people including myself were honest.

Catlike Thu 16-May-13 19:45:39

Adeliza sounds like a good compromise. Or how about Elise as an alternative?

alcibiades Thu 16-May-13 19:37:23

How about Adeliza, nn Eliza. Adeliza of Louvain was the wife of Henry II (or one of the Henries).

You might have to adjust the pronunciation, because I'd pronounce it Ad-el-ee-za, but you might prefer Ad-el-eye-za.

That could get round the Elizabeth/Eliza issue, because in full it looks a very different name.

kipplin Thu 16-May-13 19:32:11

I don't think you're awful Iris1, these boards are here to talk through these sort of questions. Sometimes in your heart of hearts you know the answer but an impartial opinion helps mull it through.

I LOVED the name Alice but a good friend beat us to it. Forget Elizabeth/Eliza and another name will soon capture you. Congratulations on your baby. X

orangepudding Thu 16-May-13 19:22:40

Don't do it.

Your SIL may resent you may be reminded of dead babies she sees yours. Your SIL may avoid you and your baby and may not bond with her. It's not worth it when there are so many other names.

LemonPeculiarJones Thu 16-May-13 19:12:32

I'm sorry if I was a bit harsh in my earlier post OP. I still think its a no-no but you asked because you obviously do care about her.

I don't think you're awful, you're just someone in a difficult situation with regards to a name you love.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 16-May-13 19:03:37

Hope everything goes well OP flowers.

Viviennemary Thu 16-May-13 19:02:55

Nobody thinks you're awful. If you were awful you wouldn't be asking.

Viviennemary Thu 16-May-13 18:59:47

I don't think you can use Eliza if your sister-in-law has plans to use Elizabeth. You will just have to find another name. And I don't think it would be very sensitive to broach the subject if there is any chance she will get upset.

DreamsTurnToGoldDust Thu 16-May-13 18:58:39

Im sure no one thinks your awful Iris, you sound lovely especially as you can see it could cause upset. I think most people think its just a bit too sensitive and probably best to find another name, there are so many lovely names out there smile

Congratualtions on preganancy thanks

Mindyourownbusiness Thu 16-May-13 18:45:05

I meant to add about the OP having had the bereavement of a miscarriage that had her baby survived and been a girl she would have surely called her Eliza. Her s-I-ls tragic losses happened recently according to the OP so presumably later, so OPs (if a little girl obv.) baby would have already been called this name. Therefore both could really say they have 'missed out' on this name only because of their respective very sad endings to previous pregnancies.
The OP l think has an equally valid emotional attachment to her long term favourite girls name as her s-I-l and would surely be just as upset if her s-I-l used it in the future when OP had felt she couldn't.
I suppose ideally they should both steer clear of this name in consideration of the other.
But the problem is that if the OP even brings it up she may well upset her s-I-l but if she doesn't how will she know the sil wont use it in the future if OP refrains now.

Lavenderandlimes Thu 16-May-13 18:39:11

I can fully appreciate the sil pain and suffering. I just find it difficult to think that someone can't or shouldn't use a name they have always dreamed of. If I am lucky enough to have a daughter one day, I know what she will be called. I know there is no other name that would do. I think Eliza and Elizabeth are two different names so the OP should name her baby Eliza if that's what she loves.

Iris1 Thu 16-May-13 18:38:17

Thanks for all your replies.
I can see most of you think im an awful person so I will not be using the name.
Thanks to those who have been kind about it.
She has never said she named her babies this her losses were very early I just know she likes it.
I have also lost a baby but I understand her loss is worse as im actually pregnant.
I going to ask for this to be deleted please as im worried she might see it and it will be obvious who I am.

ProphetOfDoom Thu 16-May-13 18:13:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

miffybun73 Thu 16-May-13 17:47:06

I agree with Bakingtins, when I had a miscarriage I'd named the baby privately and wouldn't use the name again for subsequent babies.

A neighbour then had a girl with the same name a few months later and it really hurt.

Tarty42 Thu 16-May-13 17:31:04


That's tricky. I don't think I would use it. I agree with the other messages that there are so many pretty girls names that you could choose from. Good luck!!

miffybun73 Thu 16-May-13 17:23:36

I definitely wouldn't use it in these circumstances.

It will upset her and I'm sure that there will be other names that you love just as much once you've made the decision not to use Elizabeth/Eliza.

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