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Naming new dc after dc that died....

(67 Posts)
Adviceinscotland Mon 07-Jan-13 14:35:48

Sorry for the depressing topic but looking for a bit of advice.

Lost a baby last year early in pregnancy, dh and I and a couple of others know the sex but I did not want anyone else to know at that time. Only dh and I know what the baby was called.

Am now 7 months pg and think I am having the same sex again, i would love to give this dc their older siblings name as a middle name but not sure if it's weird or not?

The name won't be used everyday (are any middle names) but as all my dc's middle names are after people in the family i know people will ask why we chose this name.

I'm totally comfortable with telling people now why the name means so much to us but I'm worried people will find it weird/morbid and that I may somehow cause a negative impact on my new dc, perhaps thinking older dc was wanted more than them or something (obviously not)

Am i totally overthinking this? Or would you think it was weird? It does mean a lot to me but not if i might be causing problems for new dc.

Charleymouse Fri 11-Jan-13 12:22:14

Sorry for your loss. I think it is a lovely idea and would have no problems doing it or even explaining to other people why you have chosen the name. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I hate the way we have hidden from death and bereavement these days as for sure it is the one certainty we have. Death is normal and a part of life and the more we are open about it the less of a shock it is. I may be odd with this though as my DD1 has been to 4 funerals, and DS has been to 1.

My situation is as follows:
DD1s first name is derived from her paternal Great-grandmother (deceased)
her middle name after her paternal grandmother. (deceased)

DT1 (deceased) first name, name DH and I liked
middle name my (deceased) Dads first name as he was the first son.

DT2 first name, name DH and I liked
middle name my (deceased) Dads middle name as he was the second son.

DD2 first name, name I liked
middle name my sister and mothers middle name.

If (ha ha ha not a chance) I had another son I have would really consider calling him my Dads first name. ie DT1s middle name.

DT2 knows he is a twin and his brother died. He know he is named after his grandpa and he likes the link with both his twin and him sharing my Fathers name.

Awhistlingwoman my DT2 is 5 and does get a bit confused sometimes. It is getting clearer as he gets older but he sometimes thinks that although he is a twin he forgets that his older sister has also lost her brother. We have pictures of his brother up in the living room and he has one of his own and he sometimes looks at them and cries and sometimes he just talks to his brother.
Some people asked if we would tell him he was a twin and I can't see any reason why we would not, I have read that many twins feel something missing even when they do not know they are a twin until later in life. It has just been part of his life, I can't even remember him being told specifically it is just part of who he is.

Just because my son is dead does not mean I am no longer his mother; just because his twin is dead does not mean my son is not a twin. I feel so strongly about this I had twin put on DT1s headstone.

I think twins are very special and this should be celebrated, it has taken me a while (Shabba you would be proud of me) to come to terms with the fact I am still the mum of multiples.

Lafaminute Fri 11-Jan-13 11:38:56

Years ago this would have been standard practice - if your child died at any age, the next child (of same sex) would be given that name. THAT would be a bit weird but not what you are doing. I think it would be a lovely tribute to your lost baby. The saddest aspect of a mc is that the babies can be forgotten by all but the mother and this way signifies how important your baby was.

JustFabulous Fri 11-Jan-13 10:45:33

One of my children was a twin and we haven't told them yet. TBH I think we made a mistake telling our other children and should have told the twin first.

WRT names I can't bring myself to name an animal after my lost baby though coincidently a now dead pet had that name.

yellowsubmarine53 Fri 11-Jan-13 10:34:08

It all depends how it is done. For haberdashery, it sounds like the several complicating factors that have caused her difficulties, not the name per se.

Ham69 Fri 11-Jan-13 00:11:43

My twin brother was named after a brother my mum lost at full term a couple of years before we were born. It's never, ever been an issue.

Autumnalis Fri 11-Jan-13 00:01:28

Haberdashery - I don't think this is the thread for it. I don't have personal experience but my DD is 7 and she hasn't been negatively affected. She finds it rather special.

One of my middle names is the name of my deceased sister and it hasn't affected me one tiny little bit. I didn't mention it on here because I felt my experience of naming my son was more relevent here.

Haberdashery Thu 10-Jan-13 23:28:26

I notice most of the people who are saying it's a great idea have not actually experienced this themselves. I mean as the person who was given the dead sibling's name.

yellowsubmarine53 Wed 09-Jan-13 12:30:39

I think it's a lovely idea as a middle name.

Our first daughter was stillborn and we gave her my middle name as her first name (would have been dh's if she had been a boy).

When dd2 was born, she has family names, one of which has a strong connection with her dead sister.

Maybe think yourself ahead 5 years and imagine explaining your child the genesis of his/her middle name and if that feels good, then go for it.

AWhistlingWoman Wed 09-Jan-13 12:24:28

confuddled oh your niece! That must have been a shock, has she been ok with finding out?

My DD1, mentioned earlier, was a twin. Which is why her twin sister, DD2, didn't get any of her names, first or middle, as we named them at the same time.

We decided to tell DD2 she's a twin but as she's only four, I worry I've just ended up confusing her sad

delilah88 Wed 09-Jan-13 09:11:35

I think it is a lovely idea -- I'm sure people used to do this much more in the olden days when they had lots of children/pregnancies. xx

confuddledDOTcom Wed 09-Jan-13 02:09:38

babybladder, I don't think the find out comment was about the child finding out that they were named after a sibling but about them not knowing and finding out. I agree with that. It was important to us that we were honest about our first baby from the start and we never had a moment where we not only had to explain they'd had a sister but that we'd kept it from them. They've filled in enough detail as they've needed to as they've grown up. My niece has only recently (age about 9/10) found out she's a twin!

TCOB Tue 08-Jan-13 22:02:23

op so sorry for your loss. I think that the symbolism of names and the powerful connections they give us are great reasons to go with your heart and commemorate your lost little one. I appreciate it's different but when we came up with our boy name for DS, it turned out this was the name of DH's older brother who died age one. DS knows this is a key reason he has his name and feels 'rooted' and extra-special. We stand on the shoulders of all who went before, however tiny.

tunnocksteacake Tue 08-Jan-13 21:59:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

babyblabber Tue 08-Jan-13 21:04:21

Haven't read all the replies but I can't believe some people think it's morbid or something a child would "find out" or that it has any negative connotations.

You lost a child but will never forget and giving another child their name as a middle name is a wonderful way to acknowledge his brother (or her sister or whatever). It's not like you'll be making your child sad by reminding them of their sibling, you're honoring the child you lost and even creating a connection of sorts between your children.

I think it's a lovely idea.

Ham69 Tue 08-Jan-13 20:08:24

A lovely tribute to the baby you lost, not weird in the slightest. Go for it!

EldonAve Tue 08-Jan-13 20:05:01

I think it's fine for a middle name but odd for a first name

Hulababy Tue 08-Jan-13 19:50:17

I think it would be ok, a nice thing to do - and a name with a real meaning for you and the new baby.

It was very common in history. Been doing my family tree and it was very much the norm to use a lost baby/child's name for another sibling - as both a middle name or a first name even.

Sorry for your previous loss.

Ellypoo Tue 08-Jan-13 19:46:26

To me, middle names are to remember people - family members etc.

Therefore, I think it's really nice to give this DC your other DC's name as a middle name.

My DD1 died, and if we have another girl this time, she will have DD1's name as a middle name. I don't think it's weird at all, nice to have that connection I think, and another friend of mine who lost their DS1 at birth has given DS2 DS1's name as a middle name.

thegreylady Tue 08-Jan-13 18:36:06

If it feels right it is right.I think it is a lovely idea.

confuddledDOTcom Mon 07-Jan-13 23:21:20

We did it. I had a middle name (well two) chosen but I didn't feel it was right to give this name to the baby we had lost - birth and death so the name is officially registered. We chose one of the names as a first name because it is a variation of Mum's name. When our second daughter was born the following year she got the middle names we had chosen already.

I don't think there's anything wrong with it and I think people would understand. What might be weirder is what happened to someone we know, his older brother died of SIDS and he was given the complete same name as his brother!

Autumnalis Mon 07-Jan-13 23:19:16

We did this with middle name. Seems a nice way to carry on the memory without being too intrusive. Few people make the connection as few people know DD's middle name or, sadly, remember our stillborn son's name.

Sallyann - I think we might have been on a different forum together many years ago.

louisianablue2000 Mon 07-Jan-13 23:18:59

My grandparents did this, they lost a son in infancy, and then used his name as one of my Mum's middle names. Mum didn't know about her brother until she was 17 (people didn't talk about babies that died back then, he doesn't even have a grave!) but the name was a family (sur)name anyway so it wasn't surprising to her that she had a 'boys' name, and I think she still views it as having the family name rather than being named after her dead brother.

Haberdashery Mon 07-Jan-13 23:09:25

Oh please don't. I have a dead older half-sibling's name as a middle name. There are several complicating factors but I resent it BITTERLY and feel really angry about it all.

Leafmould Mon 07-Jan-13 23:01:21

A friend has his older siblings names who died in an accident as his middle names. This hasn't worked for him, because his mum hadn't got over the tragedy, and had real difficulty in bringing him up in a balanced way.

I think this is what it comes down to: if you have grieved, and can do it in a celebratory spirit it can work.

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