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Naming new dc after dc that died....

(67 Posts)
Adviceinscotland Mon 07-Jan-13 14:35:48

Sorry for the depressing topic but looking for a bit of advice.

Lost a baby last year early in pregnancy, dh and I and a couple of others know the sex but I did not want anyone else to know at that time. Only dh and I know what the baby was called.

Am now 7 months pg and think I am having the same sex again, i would love to give this dc their older siblings name as a middle name but not sure if it's weird or not?

The name won't be used everyday (are any middle names) but as all my dc's middle names are after people in the family i know people will ask why we chose this name.

I'm totally comfortable with telling people now why the name means so much to us but I'm worried people will find it weird/morbid and that I may somehow cause a negative impact on my new dc, perhaps thinking older dc was wanted more than them or something (obviously not)

Am i totally overthinking this? Or would you think it was weird? It does mean a lot to me but not if i might be causing problems for new dc.

barmysarmy Mon 07-Jan-13 14:41:28

I dont think so I personally think it lovely, a nice way to remember the child you lost x

HoratiaWinwood Mon 07-Jan-13 14:41:30

Sorry for your earlier loss, and congratulations on your new pregnancy!

I think it depends how you play it - "this is a name we really liked when I was pg with the baby we sadly lost" is a bit different from "I am naming my take-home baby after his dead sibling" even though it comes to the same thing.

Fwiw I am still interested in the same girl names for hypothetical dc3 as I was for DS1, mmc and DS2. It only proves your taste in names hasn't really changed.

knittedslippersx3 Mon 07-Jan-13 14:41:39

I don't think it's weird at all. I think it's a lovely thing to do in your dc memory. I think it's only a problem if your new dc is made to feel that he is living in his older siblings shadow. You are keeping with your tradition of choosing middle names after family members. I would do what you want and if others find it strange it's their problem. Congratulations, by the way!

nannyof3 Mon 07-Jan-13 14:42:46

Tbh, i wouldnt... If the child was me, and i found out my middle name was my sibling that had passed away , i would find it abit weird...

Its completely up to u.. Everyones view will be different

DystopianReality Mon 07-Jan-13 14:46:40

I had two miscarriages in early pregnancy. Didn't know the sexes. It had absolutely no bearing on what we called our full-term children. We had planned which names we liked and we used them. Just because we lost two early on didn't mean we felt we had to relinquish the names we liked. It's different if the children had been born and we'd named them and had spoken to them using those names, but we did not attribute the names to the 'bump' so felt we could use them for our children that survived. I had no qualms.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Mon 07-Jan-13 14:47:35

I think that's party the issue though - as long as the child doesn't 'find out' but knows since, well, forever then it's not a problem.

If all of your children have middle names, that are family names and mean something, then I think this is lovely. I'd probably say 'not a great idea' if your other children just had random middle names - that might feel a bit like burdening this one.

My DS who is 11 has his brothers name as a middle name, he never 'found out' as such, he just always knew about his name, his brother, and why thats his middle name and he loves it, he says it makes him feel closer to the brother he never met. Its not weird at all.

sallyanny Mon 07-Jan-13 14:49:26

We've done this - we had a stillborn baby boy called John, and when we had another son a year later, we gave him John as his middle name. He's 9 now, and he's very proud of the fact that he was named for his brother. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Startail Mon 07-Jan-13 14:50:19

OP said she lost her baby early in PG no one except DH and her knew the babies name. No reason at all the child should ever know it was going to be the first child's name.

I don't even know if OP would tell the baby it should have had a sibling.

Adviceinscotland Mon 07-Jan-13 15:01:49

Well my older dc know that I lost the baby so there would always be the possibility that they would tell new dc even if we never, likewise I know my mum lost two babies before having me (though she never knew the sex)

I could never have used the name for a first name as I associate it with lost dc but it feels "right" to me to use it as a middle name, I was worried my hormones may be confusing me though.

CiderwithBuda Mon 07-Jan-13 15:06:42

I think it's fine to use as a middle name but not a first name. My parents did that with my sister and she hates it. Messed her up for a whle.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Mon 07-Jan-13 15:08:49

Advice - it feels right to you and many of us have said it's a lovely idea. I think you just need to make it one of those 'known facts' so that the child grows up knowing, not 'finding out' so that it's something 'good' and something the child can be proud of.

Theas18 Mon 07-Jan-13 15:12:34

Very normal to do this in previous generations. Why not do it? The baby you lost is a part of your family and always will be. I don't see it as any different from naming them after grandad Fred or what ever.

(what was just a little odd though in my family at the turn of the century recycling names in the same generation that had a " person" attached IYSWIM eg naming a post WW1 baby after a teenage brother who died in the trenches. My dad was named for the baby brother my gran had, who died at age 3 or 4, it didn't bother Dad at all and he always knew about it).

5madthings Mon 07-Jan-13 15:14:32

I think its a lovely thing to do especially if the name has special meaning to you.

JustFabulous Mon 07-Jan-13 15:15:51

No one elses opinion matters. You want to do it, your reasons are understandable and brought about with love, so do it.

SomebodySaveMe Mon 07-Jan-13 15:19:33

DPs middle name is the name of his older brother who died at birth. I think it's a lovely idea.

PacificDogwood Mon 07-Jan-13 15:19:51

You do what you are comfortable doing.

I have lost several pregnancies, but have never been in your position as we had never decided on a name yet by the time I had a miscarriage (mine were all before 12 weeks).

Personally, I don't think it would be 'weird', but like HoratiaWinwood said right at the start of the thread, it depends on how you present it. 'I've named you after the baby we lost' would just be too awful for words; to give a name that means a lot to you is lovely.

amck5700 Mon 07-Jan-13 16:17:06

Is there a slightly different spelling of the same name that you could use so that it is both in memory but also the new baby's "own" name if that makes sense?

My OH and I both lost adult brothers with the same name (My husband's many years before we met, when my OH was a young teen himself) When my son was born - we wanted to honour them both but there was an alternative spelling of the name and that's the one we used. Both brothers coincidentally had the same spelling.

aprilrain Mon 07-Jan-13 16:36:47

My DH has the same first name as his older brother who died at 2 days old. Nobody in their family thinks its odd. You should use the name - it's actually a lovely way to celebrate the memory of your other baby.

PacificDogwood Mon 07-Jan-13 16:37:19

I hope I won't offend you or anybody else with what I am about to say.
Here goes:

If you gave a new baby the same name as a deceased sibling, I mean a child who lived, but subsequently died, I would find that rather morbid.
However, using an important family name that was intended for a much hoped for child that never was, for a new baby I find rather touching. Does that make any sense?

Honouring the memory of any other late family member by using their name again I also like, provided it is a name you like too. We talked about using DH late father's name for our PFB, but didn't, as DH did not like it. FiL was a lovely man, not blessed with a nice name.

PacificDogwood Mon 07-Jan-13 16:38:13

Oh no, awful x-post with aprilrain, I am sorry! Really sorry sad.

ethelb Mon 07-Jan-13 16:47:09

I also hope I don't offend but I think it is a bit odd for siblings born after another sibling has died. They have never met this person but will be born into a family that will always be mourning that child. It is entirely possible to manage that sensibly.

However, giving the same name will mean a lot more to everyone else than your child themselves and might make them feel a bit awkward.

I lost a cousin, and the child they had afterwards was given a middle name meaning 'life'. Coudl you do something like that instead.

Pacific I assure you that there is nothing morbid about my sons middle name being his brothers name.

My son loves the fact he was named in his brothers memory and loves the fact that they share that bond although they have never met.

Its a celebration of my sons life and acknowledgement that, yes, he was here (albeit for a short time) and that he isn't anything to be ashamed of or hidden away and forgotton about.

My DS says that he is glad he has his brothers name because he doesn't have his brother here.

AWhistlingWoman Mon 07-Jan-13 16:52:30

I'm so sorry that you lost your baby OP. Such a personal decision and I think that only you can decide what feels right for you and your family. Try not to worry about how you think other people might react and follow your instincts maybe? Especially if the name that you had chosen is not common knowledge it would be up to you who you shared the information with?

My DD1 passed away at three days old. DS1 has the male variant of her name as his middle name. I did hesitate over this at the time but, now, I'm glad I did it. I hope that like sallyanny's son, he will be proud of having this connection with his big sister.

Personally, I would not ever use DD1's name as a first name for another child. To my mind, it is HER name and I would no more use it again then I would give two living children the same first name iykwim? Perhaps would consider using her middle name again if I am ever lucky enough to be blessed with a DD3?

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