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Feel like I'm settling with DS's name

(23 Posts)
eversomuch Wed 24-Oct-12 22:02:43

After months of searching, I think we've decided on a name for DS. It's a name I do like -- but before we thought of this one, I fell in love with another name and am having a hard time giving it up.

DH says he likes it but doesn't think it's really usable (it's somewhat obscure, but not bizarre or completely unknown). I know I should cross it off the list. I just don't want to, and I keep hoping he'll change his mind, though I know he won't. And to be fair, the name we're leaning towards is his second choice as well, so we're both compromising.

(We're not doing a middle name, btw, so squeezing it in there is not an option.)

I guess I should just get over it. But I do feel a little sad and as if I'm settling for a name I like but don't lovelovelove. And I want to lovelovelove it. Maybe I will once it's attached to my beautiful little boy?

/whinge

curiousgeorgie Wed 24-Oct-12 22:30:08

No one can really help you unless you tell us what the names are??

eversomuch Thu 25-Oct-12 15:08:14

Thanks, curious, but it's not really about the specific names at this point. We're 99.999% decided on our second choice and baby is coming next week.

I was just curious if others have felt this way about "settling" on a second-choice name and how they got over the disappointment, how they felt afterwards, etc. Apologies if that wasn't clear.

HoratiaWinwood Thu 25-Oct-12 15:51:52

Convince DH ten seconds after giving birth. "Ooh doesn't he just look like a Vladimir after all."

He will be in such awe of your brilliance he will agree. [grinned]

Dogsmom Thu 25-Oct-12 16:03:06

I think you should love the name, I've read a fair few posts on here from women who desperately want to change their babies name when they're a few months old as they didn't use the name they really wanted.

On the other hand if your first choice is obscure then your child will probably thank you for not using it as they are the ones stuck with it.

minipie Thu 25-Oct-12 16:03:16

Hmmm... I had to write off a name I loveloveloved but have managed to let them go and have now persuaded myself that I lovelovelove the name we have chosen. So yes in a sense I have settled but it doesn't feel like a compromise because the first name was never really an option iyswim.

I think however I was only able to do this because I was convinced that there were good reasons to write off the first name. If I wasn't convinced, it would have been very hard to let that one go and focus on the second name.

What are DH's reasons against your first name? TBH if he likes it, and it's not totally weird, I don't really see what his problem with it is (and it sounds like you don't either).

Basically I think he needs to persuade you that his reasons are right, before you'll be willing to let that name go and focus on the second name. Only then will it stop feeling like a compromise name.

MrClaypole Thu 25-Oct-12 16:10:37

Just make a shortlist and wait till you have met your baby.

Once baby has been with you a few days you will know what to call him. You may find he suits one name more than another.

FWIW I had decided 100% that DS2 was going to be Jude but he came out looking like Phil Mitchell so we had to find something more butch!

DontmindifIdo Thu 25-Oct-12 16:20:08

Tell us the names, it might make more sense. If your DH doesn't truely hate your fav name, then go with that. Is the second choice something he loves or is it something he just prefers a bit?

DontmindifIdo Thu 25-Oct-12 16:20:55

I also second the plan of holding your newborn DS and saying "hello [insert your first choice name]!" Can you imagine your DH arguing with that? wink

eversomuch Thu 25-Oct-12 21:08:19

Thanks, everyone.

Horatia I'm having an ELCS, so the birth won't be that dramatic. Still, he'd better be in awe of me anyway or else! smile

Dogsmom I do like the name we're leaning towards (and would probably grow to love it bc it will be his name) and I think the chances that I'd want to change it afterwards are very low. My first choice isn't radically, embarrassingly obscure, but only seven boys were given the name last year, according to the natl statistics.

minipieI'm glad you've grown to lovelovelove the name you initially "settled" for. There was another name I liked that I eventually wrote off bc I understood DH's arguments against it (too foreign, always needs spelling/explaining, etc). With my first-choice name, I think it's just a matter of him liking it but not enough to use it. Perhaps because it's a bit rare? And I feel like I'm nagging if I keep bringing it up.

MrClaypole and dontmind Our shortlist is now down to just the two names (although there were two others that we were seriously considering until they were recently eliminated. I know it's common in the UK to sometimes wait days or weeks to give a baby a name, but where we're originally from it just isn't done and I still can't really wrap my head around the idea of him not having a name for any length of time after being born.

I think that most baby naming decisions are 'settling' because it's about finding a compromise between names that each of the couple like. Neither of my dds ended up with names I 'loved' or that dp 'loved' but we love them and their names quickly came to define them so be loved too.

bigbluebump Thu 25-Oct-12 21:48:09

So you really love a certain name and your dh says 'he likes it'. I do think that you should try to persuade your dh to consider it - otherwise you'll end up with a name neither you nor dh loves and may regret it later.

I also think it is great for your ds to have 'his own' name rather than potentially one he has to share with lots of others and be known by his name plus initial (or other modifier). Good luck!

NellyBluth Thu 25-Oct-12 21:57:47

I settled, I went with a name that I would never have even considered if I had been naming DD myself, but now I love it. It's her name. I sometimes think if I had gone with a name that I had lovedlovedloved for a long time it would feel less like her name and more like a favourite name I had given her.

seeker Thu 25-Oct-12 22:02:18

Once you actually have a real baby to love, the name becomes less important.

Oh, go on, tell us whwt they wre!

CheshireDing Thu 25-Oct-12 23:05:02

I do think you have to love the name, both of you, but I appreciate a lot of people compromise. DH and I were lucky in that we both loved PFB first name but he jus got the wobbles about her middle name being a bit posh he thought grin. Now he is always spouting it !

Leafmould Thu 25-Oct-12 23:30:32

nellybluth I could have written that post!

Whereabouts are you from where it's not the done thing not to have the name decided? Just curious. I have an Ethiopian friend who gave birth shortly after arriving in the uk, and she was asked immediately after the birth what his name was. She didn't realise you could say 'not sure yet' and said the first name that came into her head! And that is what he is called! Fortunately it is a great name. grin

HoratiaWinwood Fri 26-Oct-12 08:35:38

For what it's worth, I loveloveloved DC1's name, but settled for DC2. Now I can't imagine either of them being called anything else.

There is a difference, in that there

HoratiaWinwood Fri 26-Oct-12 08:39:40

... was no lovelovelove name I had to reject or could go for.

But the point stands: although I was settling at the time, it is absolutely his name now and I look at the rest of the shortlist now with utter bewilderment.

After your elCS he had better will be in awe of your having carried such a beautiful and precious baby for so many months. You could tell him you wanted to call baby Gandalf Hollytree and he would probably nod and smile adoringly.

jaggythistle Sat 27-Oct-12 07:41:22

we found boys names really difficult and didn't really love either of them, so i guess we settled too.

DS1 really seems to suit his so far, at 3yo!

DS2 is just a baby but his name is 'him' already Iyswim.

they are both 'real names but used less often', as that was my picky criteria.

i did have a girl's name that had quite grown on me, but i guess i won't be using it! grin

eversomuch Tue 30-Oct-12 12:05:37

Thanks again, everyone. I have had a chat with DH and I think he's given my first-choice name serious consideration. His main concern is that it will generate too many questions (Where is that name from? How do you spell it? Etc, etc.) I don't feel it's as big an issue, but I can understand where he's coming from.

We haven't 100% decided yet (hey, we've got three days to go, why hurry?), but I'm feeling more comfortable with the second-choice option. And as many of you have pointed out, whichever name we choose will quickly just become DS's name and we won't be able to imagine him being called anything else. I know I can be happy with either name.

And, FTR, I love Cedric; DH prefers Spencer.

attheendoftheday Tue 30-Oct-12 21:37:36

I had a name I loved but dp didn't. I let it go. I went through a name-mourning period but I felt better by the time dd was born. It really is better to choose a name together.

That said, at the last minute dp suggested giving my special name as a middle name, which we did. I know you've said you don't want a middle name, but if the name's that important then you could consider it.

attheendoftheday Tue 30-Oct-12 21:38:30

I love Cedric, btw. Great name.

flyoverthegoldenhill Tue 30-Oct-12 22:07:56

My dsis has 4 names. I think our parents were busy trying to keep all the GM's happy but from only a few weeks she was always known by name 3. As an adult she is known as a variation of that ! I don't understand why people think it is such a problem always having to spell someone's name. My name is easy,but I never take offence at having to spell it, and I see some lovely name suggestions on hereI would hope I was not offending anyone by asking them how to spell theirs.

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