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Did you and DH clash on names? How did you solve it?

(22 Posts)
Angelico Sat 22-Sep-12 19:02:42

Just that really. We are having our first DD early next week (ELCS). We had a joint short list of names which we both liked - all of which DH has now back tracked on for a variety of stupid reasons, leaving us with 'the dregs list'. I'm so angry and sad about it - feels like he has taken all the pleasure out of choosing when we're so close to the end (it has been a demanding pregnancy at times). He's now trying to go with a name I liked which he previously 'hated' - but has managed to completely put me off it while he still hated it hmm

If you were in this situation how did you decide? Did you end up choosing a crap compromise name that neither of you really liked?

I know it's partly because I'm hormonal but I am so angry at him at the minute angry It should be a happy thing but he has made it totally joyless. Plus I kept my maiden name but we agreed the baby would take his surname so I already feel like he has had some kind of extra say in choosing the name, pathetic as that sounds.

chocoluvva Sat 22-Sep-12 19:14:49

Aww. Your post brings back memories....
DH didn't seem to like ANY names, so we settled for a scottish name (we're both scottish).
I wouldn't choose the same name for DS or DD (if I could) but it doesn't matter now - they're both known by abbreviations.
I'm sure it won't feel important once you've had your baby.
Good luck next week smile

rubyslippers Sat 22-Sep-12 19:16:44

You have 6 weeks to name your baby

See what she looks like when she emerges smile

DD wasn't named for 6 days whilst we argued decided

FamiliesShareGerms Sat 22-Sep-12 19:17:32

We agreed easily on a girls name, could not agree on a boys name. We literally went through the baby names book until we agreed on one (did I mention that this was in the labour ward?) We got to the second half of the alphabet before we agreed.

TBH I don't think that there's a shortcut to agreeing if you both feel strongly. Get out the book....

Angelico Sat 22-Sep-12 20:41:33

Thanks. You've all been very kind, was half expecting a flaming blush Thanks for good wishes Chocoluvva.

He really doesn't get how angry and upset I am about this sad And Ruby I really wanted to know her name on the day so I could let people know - idea was we would 'meet her' with shortlist in mind and see what she looked like smile Only now the fucking shortlist is being shredded and we're back to the shit list. Families we have combed through books, websites - had a long list shortened down - and now we are back to the reject names.

God, getting angry all over again angry

lovechoc Sat 22-Sep-12 20:54:51

Not worth getting upset about, honestly. Agree with PP, just wait and see what she looks like when she's born and you may find you'll both just agree on a name together.

It's such a difficult decision to make!!

Badgerina Sat 22-Sep-12 21:29:09

What name do YOU like? Honestly, once you're holding that baby after your operation, you are perfectly within your rights to use out and out manipulation, guilt tripping and emotional blackmail to get him to agree to what YOU want grin

Good luck! I can imagine how pissed off you must be angry

CitizenOscar Sat 22-Sep-12 21:30:36

DH & I couldn't agree on ANY girls' names. Luckily we found out we were having a boy! Before we found out, I was so worried we were going to spend 9 months arguing!

But I think if we hadn't been able to agree, I'd have been tempted to wait til he was born. Your perspective can't help but change once the baby is actually born.

Good luck.

jkklpu Sat 22-Sep-12 21:33:08

I always think that each parent has to have an absolute veto on names they can't stand, no questions asked. The "reasons" for disliking a name are often totally irrational, but they're there and there's no point fighting them as someone just ends up miserable. There are loads of names and perhaps it's best to start a completely new list so you can both be calmer in your discussions.
And forget other people - there is really no imperative to tell anyone what the name is until you're ready. All your nearest and dearest will want is confirmation that you and your baby are fine. Anything else is a bonus, so take a deep breath, give yourself some time and fix a time to have a new conversation when you've both had a breather.

Angelico Sat 22-Sep-12 22:43:10

It's weird because I'm normally pretty laid back about stuff and not much of a grudge holder but I am so furious with him I can't even look at him. I know some of this is probably hormones and general pre-baby nerves but I'm not used to feeling so angry with him sad I know you are all right about waiting till things settle but we are going to have a baby in 72 hours time and it's making me cry thinking we don't have a name for her.

I feel like we had a nice list of names and it was supposed to be a happy thing picking one and now he's just shat all over it sad The thought of looking at names all over again and picking one I'm indifferent to just depresses me.

The name I really liked which he didn't... he told me all the reasons he didn't like it. Now he has decided he does like it and expects me just to forget everything he said about it before including stupid jokes he made about it. All the names he rejected are like that - they're all tainted now with his dislike confused How am I supposed to suddenly pick one of them?

Frikadellen Sat 22-Sep-12 23:41:23

Dh and I had this issue. esp with boys names in fact the only time (we have 4 dks) we didn't argue over a boys name was for no 4 where his father passed away when i was 8 months pregnant we agreed quite quickly a boy would be named after his granddad and my granddad we would wait to see what one a boy looked like (she was a girl)

In my opinion it means you have not yet found the right name for " your " child. If you have gone off a name then say no and you move on just like you have had to with the short list. Having said that I also think you need to be a bit lenient. dd2 is named something that dh said NO WAY to with dd1's pregnancy. I however had fallen in love and kept mentioning how much I loved it. In the end he said ok but I prefer it with an "a" ending I said deal.

DS is named something I would never have considered as a possibility for a child before dh. (Conrad) but it suits him it is very much him and dh didnt like my all time favourite boys name (Sebastian) why force him to have a name I knew he didn't like?

I would view it as a " ok lets go back to the drawing board and recheck names etc. until you find that one you both love.

DessieLou Mon 24-Sep-12 14:13:21

Angelico I know exactly how you feel. We've got ten weeks to go and I am so fed up that I've stopped suggesting anything. Today is the first time in ages I've looked at names and I'm not really getting into it to be honest! I wish I had an answer for you. It's so crushing to find a name you love only to have them mock it and rip it to bits. My plan of action now is to write down all the names I like and he can choose from that when the baby is here.... it might work, you never know! hmm
I wish you the best of luck and would love to hear how you get on. [hug]

JuliaFlyte Mon 24-Sep-12 14:22:04

I honestly feel that the person who carries a baby for nine months and gives birth to it should have the final say regarding the name. That's how we did it, three times. If dh had really hated a name I would probably have ruled it out, but he like all of my choices and I had the final say.

Wait until the baby is born, choose the name that you love and stick to your guns smile

TidyGOLDDancer Mon 24-Sep-12 14:59:10

Oh Lord, don't play the vagina card. That is so deeply unfair. You need to settle on a name you both like, you can't force a name on him and then guilt him into accepting it.

Having the final say obviously worked for you Julia, but that kind of thing can breed intense resentment.

JuliaFlyte Mon 24-Sep-12 17:25:13

It is not unfair Tidy! I said that I wouldn't have chosen a name that my dh disliked, he liked all of our options and I chose my favourite of these.

Dogsmom Mon 24-Sep-12 17:41:04

I know it's too late for OP but we've agreed to use a name for a week and see how we get along with it (I'm only 16 weeks and have found out at the weekend she's a girl so we'll probably go through loads)

It's easy to overthink names and soon every name sounds weird so this week she's Emma and instead of referring to the baby as she/her/it we're putting her name into the sentence to see how we get on with it and whether it sits well.

TidyGOLDDancer Mon 24-Sep-12 19:21:35

Yes Julia, I'm afraid it is.

Like I said, it clearly worked out fine in your situation, but it's not something that should be routinely recommended!

No parent should feel pressured into choosing a name they are not happy with. Regardless of what reproductive organs they have.

StellaNova Mon 24-Sep-12 20:26:49

DH and I disagreed on boys names. I vetoed his first choice (Andrew) and he didn't seem able to come up with any others; he didn't like any of mine (Sam, Edward/ Teddy, John - I'm sure there were more) for reasons that seemed annoying to me ("too middle class"). So the names we ended up with were compromises that we both kind of liked, but I wouldn't call them dregs - we had reasons for liking them and once I knew that those were probably the names we were going for I set about liking them more by thinking of historical characters, literary characters, songs etc with those names, potential nicknames etc.

I did feel with DS2 that the name was not one I would have chosen, and it took me a long time after he was born to feel right calling him it (he seemed lik Teddy to me!) and to feel that it was his name, whether using the long or short form. But it is his name and it is a nice name.

LittleBairn Mon 24-Sep-12 20:38:23

OP if you can't agree on names and he's insisting on his surname rather than your surname, I would tell him he could only get his way once he needs to compromise somewhere either he chooses the first name or surname but not both.

exoticfruits Mon 24-Sep-12 20:51:51

You just keep going until you get a compromise. It is very unfair to say that your choice is more important.

lovechoc Tue 25-Sep-12 07:57:42

both of you played a part in making the baby, so both of you play a part in naming the baby.

DessieLou Sat 20-Oct-12 11:41:52

Hi Angelico. Just wondering how you got on with your dilemma? I've got 6 weeks to go and haven't bothered suggesting any names for weeks now! Hope your little one arrived safe and sound. smile

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