SIL and baby name

[RuckAndRoll]

A bit of a what would you do, hope this is the right place for it.

DSIL has recently told us she's pregnant, we're really happy for them. Whilst we were visiting (they live 7 hrs away), she told us the names they've decided on, apparently they've been decided for over a year.

Well, the boys name they've chosen is a family name on my side (going back about 7 generations) which I was really hoping to carry on if we have a son. DH has decided we can no longer consider this name, even if they have a girl. Apparently we can't even use it as a middle name as SIL will kick off about 'her' name.

Now I know neither of us 'own' this name, would you use a name your SIL has told you is her chosen name? as a middle name? Or should I just accept I can't carry on this family name?

[usualsuspect]

I would just use the name regardless.

[suburbandream]

I would explain to SIL exactly what you've said here - that it's a family name on your side and that you will use it if you have a son. If she still wants to use it, fine.

[CalamityJones]

Just explain. And things may change anyway - I was 'decided' on my daughter's name for years... Until about month seven of being pregnant.

[DontmindifIdo]

I would tell her that you will want to use it if you have a boy because it's a family name, explain the history on your side.

Also, remember they might not be telling you their 'final' name - I thought we had a final name for DS, and then we went for dinner and suddenly DH mentioned the name we have gone with, and it just seemed right.

I'm surprised your DH says no even if your SIL has a boy, could it be that he doesn't really like the name and would only go along with it because of your family tradition? This gives him a good 'out' without having to say he doesn't like it. Could you probe a little on that, you might have to rethink yourself.

[Wildwaterfalls]

I would certainly use it if they have a girl. If they have a boy, perhaps use it for your DS too but as a middle name?

I am in a very similar position: DBIL & wife named their DD a name which has been in my family a long time - my middle name too.

Now that we are expecting, if it is a girl we will use this name as middle name - no one minds. Quite nice for the cousins to share a name in a way I think.

[MagdalenaAlec]

I would first talk to SIL about using the name as well, see how she reacts, but making clear that you would take her opinion in consideration, not necessarily follow it.
If she has a girl, I believe you obviously can use the name: first come, first serve.
If she has a boy, I still think you can use the name as a mn (after all they are mainly here to honor family members), if she does not want you to use it as a first name and you accept it.

Last, maybe you could find a solution with different nn? You could both have the same name for your sons then. E.g.: two Edwards, nn Eddie for one, Ned for the other would be alright with me.

[exoticfruits]

I would just explain - 7 generations is a lot and a shame to stop. I can't see why it stops it being a second name.

[5madthings]

i would explain, can i ask tho are YOU pregnant? as you dont say?

if not and she has a boy and uses the name it may be tricky! so i would explain to her about the importance of the name to you, she may then decide not to use it, but she may still use it, keep your fingers crossed for a girl!

have to say we had names we really liked and when the babies were born we chose names that were not even on our list a few times, so just because she is set on it now does not mean she will use it.

[EdithWeston]

In the case of a 7-generation family name, you need to say immediately the name is mentioned "Lovely. I'll definitely be using that as it goes back for 7 generations an no other name could ever mean so much to us"

You need to say similar now after the event - get DH to tell her perhaps? But remember, she may use it anyway.

[RuckAndRoll]

Thanks for all your responses.
5madthings I'm not pregnant yet but we are trying. When she told us she was pregnant she said 'I assume you and DH will now stop trying until our baby is born as we can't be pregnant together, could we?!' DH told her to stop being silly and she stormed off crying that we were trying to steal her thunder. but that's a whole other thread!

Those of you saying talk to her, I know this sounds like a very sensible solution, however DH will not talk to her as she's very much a drama queen and will blow it all out of proportion. I'm pretty sure DH does like the name as it's one he brought up before he knew the family tradition.

Don't you just love family politics?!

[birdofthenorth]

She sounds like a nightmare, frankly. Telling you to stop ttc? How ridiculious! Would she and her DP have stopped trying if you'd announced a pregnancy? Surely it would be lovely to have cousins close in she anyway? except it would probably mean you having to hang out with your bonkers sil some more

[birdofthenorth]

Close in age, even

[birdofthenorth]

PS Good luck ttc -and use the name if she hasn't by then, or as a middle name if she has. I would say if she does have a boy and does use it you ought to reconcile it to middle name territory just to avoid confusion and so DP's parents (assuming one or more is alive/ around) don't have two grandchildren with the same first name.

[OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere]

Not really family politics.
This is someone who thinks you should use contraception until she has had her baby.
Family politics makes that sound normal.
The only way to deal with totally unreasonable people is to ignore their demands.
They will simple replace the one you conceed to with another.

[RuckAndRoll]

Thanks birdofhtenorth Think I'm going to put it to the back of my mind for now and see what happens when their baby arrives.

[MammaTonic]

What a mare!! Who's to say what gender their baby will be. If the name is important to you, then use it. And do carry on TTC!

Good luck x
MammaT

[DontmindifIdo]

If it's been in your family for 7 generations, could you keep talking about your dad/uncle with the name, ideally focussing on the 'older bloke' aspect of it - keep saying how it'll always make you think of your dad, get her to meet him etc. It might put her off if it's associated with a person... (precious types are like that)

[shimmy0]

Use it if you want or don't use it if you don't. That's really not the issue here. You need to be more assertive with her.

Had she told me I couldn't use a name I would have said straight away that I will do what I please and if she had then gone on to tell me to stop ttc I would have told her to "F" off.

No one can tell you what you should and should not be doing in your relationship nor do they have any say in what you will call your child. She just doesn't want you stealing her limelight.

[MammaTonic]

I would have laughed at her if she'd demanded that we stop TTC. Who the hell does she think she is? Looks like you could take some advice from the Relationships forum on here

MT

[5madthings]

she told you to stop ttcing whilst she is pregnant, oh lord i would just be ignoring her! and what mrsdevere said, she is a wise lady

[notnowImreading]

We have a family name too, and there is one boy in each family of cousins with the name as a middle name. Middle names the same is a nice bonding thing for cousins, I think. Certainly in our family there is a Robert Club with 7 extant members so far.

[3duracellbunnies]

They live 7hrs away, while I can see that it might be an issue if they lived 5 doors away, GP were likely to look after them both and then they were going to the same school with the same surname, under your circumstances the chances of confussion are minimal except for shared grandparents. I would use it, but make it clear that if they have a boy too you have no issue with them using same name.

I think before ours were born we did have some anxieties as to whether BIL/SIL would 'take' our names, as it is they haven't had any children yet, and even if they called them the same it wouldn't distract from our children with that name, as our children are now unique personalities in their own right rather than 'a name and a bump'.

And as for telling you not to ttc........!!!!!!!!!!???

[jaffacakehips]

Good lord..your SIL sounds well annoying, precious or what!

No advice really, just keep on TTC.

[RuckAndRoll]

Thanks for your replies

Conclusions seems to be it wouldn't be unreasonable to use the name, especially if it's as a middle name also that SIL is slightly crazy, but we knew that already!

If what we do is reasonable MIL should be able to put SIL back in her box if she kicks off.

[ChippingInNeedsCoffee]

What a loop! She's high maintenance, but clearly your DH & his family have enabled this... time for it to stop. I'm relieved that your DH told her not to be so silly re the trying to conceive - but honestly, he should have spoken up about the name at the time 'Oh that's a co-incidence! If we have a boy we are going to use that name as it's been in RuckNRoll's family for 7 generations - cousins sharing a name, that could be nice couldn't it :)' and yes, I'm well aware that she would have had a strop, but that's tough. She needs to grow the fuck up.