I miscarried and now my friend wants to use my name

[pencilandpen]

I'm so distraught right now, I just cannot believe my good friend would do this to me. I miscarried at 12 weeks in February and told my friend (who had known about the pregnancy) that I was going through a hard time with it.

A few days later she rang me up for a chat and told me she was pregnant - she is due only a week after my miscarried baby was due :( So even though it was hard to hear, I was happy for her of course. She told me she had the CVC testing and already knew it was a girl, so naturally I asked her if she had thought about names yet.

I had already told her our chosen names - I tend to choose them before baby is even conceived - this baby had taken us four years to get around to so I had a lot of time to think about names!

So then she said she was actually thinking about Florence and what a great name it is and that her husband really likes it too. I said, but that is the name we were going to use if we had a girl. She then pretended that someone was at the door and she had to go and I haven't heard from her since and I'm still stewing.

So I lost my baby (and maybe a good friend) and now I'll never be able to use the name I've had picked out for three years if I decide to overlook this and still be friends with her! I know no-one owns a name and we could well have a boy, but by geez this oversteps the friendship mark by a looong way for me :( I guess I just needed to vent...

[pictish]

I am so sorry to read your sad news.
I think she is very inconsiderate and inappropriate.
Please take care xx

[Aworryingtrend]

I'm so sorry for your loss. It was very insensitive of your friend to ring you and start discussing names so soon after your loss.

Did she know prior to you telling her on the phone that you were planning to use Florence? If so, she is being unreasonable I think. If she didn't know until you told her after your m-c then I think that whilst you are very understandably distraught, your friend did not know you planned to use that name, and therefore isn't being deliberately cruel it would just be a very sad and unfortunate coincidence.

Also worth bearing in mind is that when you become pregnant again you may have a boy! So may not be able to use Florence anyway. But I know that doesn't make it any easier now, and I am sorry for what's happened.

[typicalvirgo]

Vent away... this forum is brilliant for that.

I feel for you at this time. It must hurt.

But personally I don't see the problem with both using the same name.

[squoosh]

She sounds like a total cow. It's not a matter of 'no one owns a name'. We all now that. It's a matter of her being an insensitive witch and snatching the name of a child that you are grieving for.

I would tell her this too.

[FruitSaladIsNotPudding]

She is being massively insensitive, I'm not surprised you're upset. I hope she thinks better of it.

[pictish]

That's a good point about Florence being a popular name. It is. It's a nice name and has had a revival.
HereIgo is probably right - there will be other Florences popping up here and there.

I understand your upset and sympathise, but on refelection, it probably isn't worth losing a friend over.
Admittedly, I cannot think of a single one of my friends who would do this though. It would be a big no no amongst us.

[kilmuir]

no one owns a name. at most a bit insensitive but not worth losing a friend over

[sashh]

Trying to change the spin - is it possible she had forgotten you had chosen it? Maybe she is too embarassed now to make contact.

So sorry for your loss.

[Bucharest]

I'm sorry for your miscarriage, truly I am.

But it wasn't, and isn't your name.

[SpringHeeledJack]

awww, that's tight

miscarriage is dreadful

and your friend is being insensitive

have a (hug)

[3boysgirlontheway]

I am so sorry for your loss, I hope you are being kind to yourself?

However, could she have other reasons for choosing the name, could she have had it in mind for years?

We have a 4 week old DD called Florence, we picked her name 20 years ago when we first met, it is my husbands grandmothers name. We had 3 boys before her, and only got to use it now. If in those 20 years another friend had chosen and used it, I would still have used it.

[pencilandpen]

It was never about being 'my name' Bucharest, despite the title of my post - this is just a really incredibly horrible thing for a friend to do. I would never do this to a friend. Yes of course she knew we had it picked out, yes I am aware that Florence isn't the rarest name in the book - that was never an issue. This is about a friend really hurting me.

In different circumstances I would feel differently but the loss of my baby is so fresh - she told me a mere week after my miscarriage! The least she could have done was waited until later and I don't think anyone can debate that.

I'm not sure what I'll do - suck it up probably, but this changes things. It has changed how I see our friendship probably for a long time to come.

[squoosh]

I would happily ditch a friend who had no regard for my feelings at a low point in my life.

Life is too short to bother with people who don't bother about you.

[pencilandpen]

Ah squoosh, you got it one.

Yes that is it - "...no regard for my feelings at a low point in my life."

[Aworryingtrend]

If she knew it was the name you had chosen (sorry I missed that in your OP) then bloody hell its a god awful thing to do. It really is. In your shoes I wouldn't be ale to forgive this for a very long time, if at all.

Personally I would lie low and see if she comes to you.

[pictish]

Sometimes a friend does something, and you know they are no friend of yours.
This could be one of those occasions for the OP.

My friend behaved abysmally in the time surrounding my wedding. My mum had died, and friend just did her usual of making everything about her.
I felt really let down, and our friendship didn't recover.

If one of my (good) friends was a due a baby the same time as me and then promptly snaffled my name choice, after I miscarried, I would think her extremely crass.

[MarthasHarbour]

Unbelievably insensitive.

So sorry for your loss OP

[SunflowersSmile]

It sounds like she is being very insensitive.
Is it at all likely that she feels she is 'honouring' your baby by doing this? I know that is unlikely from what you have said and would be misguided even if she was.
You take care.

[AndiMac]

Isn't there a chance she forgot that was the name you had chosen and chose it herself without any intention of seeming rude and insensitive?

I am sorry for your loss and you are obviously and justifiably sensitive to these things right now, but I would give yourself a bit of time and perspective before throwing away a friendship on this.

[birdofthenorth]

I'm sorry for your loss OP. If your friend goes ahead and uses Florence knowing that would have been your choice she is highly insensitive.

I miscarried in November and even though it was too soon to have known the gender, my DH and I had found ourselves calling the baby Phoebe. We haven't told anyone this, and I now have several friends expecting girls and am dreading one of them being named Phoebe, and watching her arrive and grow whilst our Phoebe will never be At the same time, I realise it's a popular name, and sooner or later, someone I know will have one.

I wouldn't name a future DD it now as I associate it with my lost baby, but I still understand your sadness about your lost Florence. Hopefully your friend will think about it and choose another name.

I'm still TTC but my next imaginary DC will be Emmeline or Nye. Bit more unusual so fingers crossed no-one will thieve them off me!

Also, OP, four months after my miscarriage, I wish I'd let myself stop and be sad a bit more at the time. I'm doing ok but think it has affected me at work and at home more than I suspected. Take care and look after yourself. I'm sending lots of good wishes your way.

[Lovetats]

This would be the end of the friendship for me, most definitely. She's being very callous.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[AndiMac]

Maryz, if the OP's friend didn't know she had considered it, in what way could it be considered insensitive??