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Stealing names - etiquette?

(22 Posts)
Coldcuppacoffee Tue 30-Aug-11 21:02:58

I am not really stealing a name, but I know what I want to call my DC. I feel very strongly this is the right name, I felt the same with DS so I know it's right.

Anyway, in the interim, someone else has used the name. It's not a family member and it's not an close pre baby friend either. I would say it's a toddler group, "see in the street and say hi" friend, not much more (although she is lovely!).

It's not a popular name, but it's well known. I've had a couple of mums to be say "Just so you know we're considering *insert DS's name*" and I really don't mind and I like that they have warned me. But they were better friends.

Should I warn her? Tell her?

AKMD Tue 30-Aug-11 21:06:35

No. Just use it smile

ChippingIn Tue 30-Aug-11 21:10:40

I wouldn't - she's not close enough to you for it to really matter. I think the only time I would in that situation would be if her child had inspired the name.

TheOriginalFAB Tue 30-Aug-11 21:14:17

"Just so you know" - is that to warn you against using their choice?

rubyhorse Tue 30-Aug-11 21:20:32

Use it. If it's someone peripheral then there's only going to be another "NAME" around for a short time in their life, anyway. I wouldn't say anything before the birth, but I would maybe seek her out afterwards and have a chat along the lines of "Great minds think alike".

I think I know what you mean about "just so you know" - the fact is that they were considering using your DS' name for their subsequent baby? I have had the other situation, though - someone who was pregnant at a similar time to me, but due five months later, was desperate to tell me "her" names so that I wouldn't use them. I refused to let her.

Coldcuppacoffee Tue 30-Aug-11 21:23:14

Yes, "just so you know" is someone after DS was born saying that their name was on the short list. I don't own it, I don't mind, but I do appreciate the heads up!

TheOriginalFAB Tue 30-Aug-11 21:26:01

Oops, I misread it. I thought they were warning you off using a certain name, not considering the same name as your child's.

Coldcuppacoffee Tue 30-Aug-11 21:31:24

No, but I have had that. And then they chose another name! So I don't take it too seriously.

Cereal Tue 30-Aug-11 21:34:53

Just use it smile Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and I don't think you need to "warn" anyone of your choice of name - they'll find out soon enough, and why on earth would they find it a problem at all?

dreamingofsun Tue 30-Aug-11 22:48:55

i think if its a close friend, especially if they have chosen an unusual name then its not really on. you sound more like acquaintances though - so can't see its going to make much difference - you probably won't see that much of them and maybe won't even know them in a few years. its not like you will be meeting up all the time and then having loads of confusion every time you call your child or having to call them big x or x surname

You're not close friends, so it's fine. I wouldn't warn her or tell her - she might say no!

Justfeckingdoit Wed 31-Aug-11 13:09:10

Names are not some kind of private monopoly!

If you like it, use it.

scarlettlips Wed 31-Aug-11 20:04:25

I very much doubt that in say 5 or 7 years you will even know this women! Use the name...you'll be sad if you don't.

If she ever mentions it..just say it was on your list the first time around but you had DD or DS so couldn't use it.

Really want to know the name now...please tell? smile

Nightstar Wed 31-Aug-11 20:14:23

Ooh, I'm the opposite to everyone else! I think there are enough other names in the universe that you dont need to use someone else's! If you already know someone with that name and you are not naming your child after them, then chose something else!

Coldcuppacoffee Wed 31-Aug-11 20:39:31

Interesting new dilemma:
a friend gave birth to a DS this morning and named him the same as my DS. She's a closer friend and I had ruled out her DS#1's name because I can only think of him when I think of the name, even though I like it. No warning from her (although to be fair I think she was expecting a girl!).

The shoe's on the other foot now, and I feel fine about it. I know that DH is a bit peeved but I also know that, once you've got a name in your head and it won't go then it's the right one.

I do think that you become your name. I can't separate friends and their names which is why I wouldn't ever use "someone else's" name.

Sorry, I've got a no name policy for online for my born or unborn children. I realise it's annoying to start a thread and not reveal but it's more about the etiquette. Which I find really interesting.

But as I feel like I have just had a taste of my own medicine so I am going to shut up now!

TheOriginalFAB Fri 02-Sep-11 20:05:34

I don't think it is etiquette. It is just your choice.

Your friend didn't need to warn you, why would she?

5GoMadOnAZ650 Fri 02-Sep-11 20:13:51

I agree that you can't own a name but I think sometimes for practical reasons it's better to use another, for instance my dd who is nearly 10 now has 2 out of 3 names the same as her baby cousin, so their mutual grandparents have two grandchildren named y-x x. When it's a friend or aquantaince using the same name I wouldn't have a problem.

dreamingofsun Fri 02-Sep-11 22:07:06

agree 5gomad - you call someone a name so everyone knows who you are referring to. if you are close to someone with the same name and see them a lot it causes confusion. no-one owns a name - but i think you should be considerate to another person if they are a friend and if you think it would cause upset by using the same name choose a different one (unless its a really common one like james). otherwise i don't think you are a very nice friend.

exoticfruits Fri 02-Sep-11 22:26:30

I don't see why you need to warn her. Probably by the time the DCs are 5 yrs you will have completely lost touch anyway. You can't steal a name-even if your best friend used it you are still free to use it if you really like it.

oohlaalaa Sat 03-Sep-11 13:44:09

One of my mums friends gave her daughter the same name, born a few months after me. She said to my mum, I hope you don't mind but I've always loved the name. My mum said she didn't at all, and rather pleased that she wasn't the only one who loved the name.

exoticfruits Sat 03-Sep-11 14:11:30

Are you still in touch oohlaalaa? We moved around a lot and have lost touch with a lot of people-it would seem pretty silly to me if my mother said 'I wanted to call you x but my friend next door had the same name' and I say 'when were you last in touch?' and she says 'over 40 yrs ago'! Just have the name you like best.

lurkinginthebackground Sun 04-Sep-11 16:17:41

I think I would tell the mother something like "oh I love the name x, infact so much so that we are thinking of calling our new baby it".
Seems better than just turning up with the name.
I had it happen to me at prenatal swimming, I had told the group what name we had decided on and then used the name. Later on at a get together another mum had called her baby by the same name but had never said anything at all about liking the same name. Whilst I appreciate I don't own the name it just seemed odd behaviour not to have mentioned it to me when she had had evey opportunity to do so.

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